Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Deep in the Sauce

What's up bitches. I've missed you. I've been recovering all week, and as a result letting Jagermonster catch up on some PHC debriefing.

RE-CAP

If you weren't in Dallas last weekend, here's what you missed:

donkey boner shot - nast!

Hard

Dirt off yo' shouldah

Shark

Debauchery

  • Manhattan Bar Happy Hour w/ Craig, Monster, Swampthing, hot femmes. Thanks to the Baylor Dental School "Zips" fraternity for letting me drink on their tab (you know those dental school frats get Ca-razy - FOBVS!).
  • The Loon (for Kelly Cheeseburger's B-day)...where I proved it is possible to LIVE from 11 pm to 4 am with your eyes closed. Lots of beautiful people...3 coffee cups of Jager...cigarettes...4 finger high vodkie tonics toxics. Directly proceeded by a trip to Whataburger IN A FUCKING TAXI! (thanks Venus). Geez...most expensive taquitos I'll ever eat. Note to self: when you feel your esphagus self-lubricating...pre-vahmit stizz...don't order 2 taquitos and a saugsage/egg/cheese biscuit (96 grams of fat combined...look it up). I shortly thereafter donated my evidence to the throne, where Erin found me passed out against the wall and so graciously helped me to bed.
  • Drama (ex girlfriend stizz...seriously...stop spying on me)
  • Charlie Murphy...Professional Body Shield
  • Hangover Tennis...beaten by none other than my partner in crime (thanks to the low net, NATCH!).
  • 1 pound of hummus from Eat-Zi's (so best)
  • Back to Manhattan Bar for Erin's B-Day party
  • Jagermonster's Sportcoat from Sears (come see the softer side)
  • Knox Street Pub where debauchery ensued with Stu, Parker, Rocket, Scotty Dub, Craig, DJ Ketter, Wessah, Camgoldapp, Sheedy, Chaddicus, amongst others. Also sighted were the WORST boob job evs, followed by the biggest SMU frat-tastic crowd ever assembled. Since when is it okay to wear shorts, a button down shirt, and a FUCKING TIE?? Come on, guy.
  • Donkeyboner Shots....so WORST!
  • The Sony Mavica
  • Corner Bar to finish off Saturday night where Dub's cousin bragged about a night of donkey sex and blowing rails. Nice finish.

Hey man, I'm just trying to live.Aged...15 years


Unfortch for my liver, Jagermonster is coming to The Station for 4 days...The Glenlivet in tow (and hopefully Skunk Stripe).




How tall do you think John Kerry's head is?? I'll go ahead and throw out a bold 12 inches. Someone get a ruler and measure that thing.
So Pissed!

Some say Worst trick EVS! A hooters employee in Florida busted her ass (and sweater hogs) moving beer to win a Toyota in a recent contest put on by the chain. Is a play-on-words grounds for a lawsuit?? Apparently so. Should have used The Force.



WARNING: Shitty Pun Ahead. This guy was flying high trying to smuggle an effing METH LAB on an airplane. Backwoods son of a bitch. I realize you probably don't fly often, but dude, come on. Did you really think you would get past the dogs with that shit in your fanny pack?

Seriously...the guy really was raised by wolves.

In an effort to get Kerry elected, a group of "sexy liberals" are driving around the northern U.S. trying to trade sex for votes in swing states. Please tell me Teresa Heinz-Kerry is driving the van! I would donkey all over that shit!

I am a true Patriot (I can count myself as the voter, right???)


Kobe Bryant was quoted as saying he "should have done what Shaq does ... that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything" and already had paid up to $1 million "for situations like this." Shaq rebutted with "I'm not the one who is buying love." Still nowhere close to Wilt the Stilt...count on that.

"Tiger Woods hurtOww...My Back!
his back last week when he fell asleep in an awkward position on his plane, and said on the eve of the tournament he might have to withdraw." Yeah...in your fucking Gulfstream, laying down in your king sized bed and shit. Did you forget to sleep with your body pillow?? What is it with this guy. Just come on out with it...you threw your back out boning ELLEN! In a related note, looks like The Murph will have to wait a couple more weeks for the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005. So Durst.


And with that, I'm off to cook a buffalo roast (i'm not even kidding...my roommate's parents raise them...so titties).

I love scotch. I love gold.

Don't Change.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I see Paris - Volume Deuce!!!!

Part Deuce


BREAKING NEWS (10:30pm): Reports have surfaced that yet another Paris Hilton sex tape has surfaced - containing OVER 11 hours of footage! The report states that the video shows Paris having sex with multiple ex's including mega-durst Dick Carter. Hello G-Dubs! The video even shows Ms. Hilton rolling a fatty-j. Developing.....

I'm rich - bitch.

That's right friends - yesterday I made a purchase - or an investment if you will. I talked the parentals into hooking up the Jagermonster with an ipod for my 24th, which is just around the corner. Regardless - this thing is straight up so titties. So many bad azz functions, so easy to use. SO BEST. I assure you I will be involved in some tom-foolery today in the office - uploading songs and whatnot.

It sure is nice to give my liver a break - 3 days of soberiety and loving it. Now I just need to start exercising to shed off the ellbs. I remember when I had a 6-pack (not booze) - I remember that DAY.

I am finally willing to admit defeat. We are done for the playoffs. I guess it is time to renew my card carrying rights to be a member of RSN (Red Sox Nation - natch).

There will be an update tonight on The DB - Best Hair in sports - REVEALED! The smart money is on Johnny Damon - howevs I will be doing research throughout the day.

It is sad that even the Chinese are wrapped up (safety first kids) in Britney Schmears Gossip. When asked if pregnant, brit-brit's response "No, not that I know of. But next year, I am so there." SO THERE? This isn't a vacation to the beach or a night at a concert - this is a kid you are talking about. Hey Kevin - thanks for the Herp's.

Jay Leno to retire - IN 2009. Don't you think this announcement is a bit premature? Let me mark my calendar for 2009 - that I haven't bought yet! No buzz.

Hey Agassi - Kurt Warner called.

zzzzzzz NEXT!

And speaking of zzz's - check out this article forwarded to me by GoogleCV. After some long nights of boozing and debauchery I could surely use on of those....

Updates later yo.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Her Undercarriage Was Showing!

FRIZZZIDAY!
Wow. As predicted this weekend was totally AWESOME. Hurricane Chuck (aka Charlie Murphy) blew through town and damn - it did some destruction (i.e. my liver). Within 30 minutes of arriving C-Murph and myself were enjoying free cocktails on the dental school students tab at Manhattan Bar.

After several tasty bevy's and some good chatter(about tee's and debauchery) we decided to a 'last day at work' happy hour for a p2 friend. C-Murph quickly became a PBS - personal body shield - as we decided last minute to bail. We made our way to The Corner Bar for some delicious $2 dos equis (Double X, natch!) and some piss poor service. Not to mention the fact that they were showing the Sox/Yanks game on the big screen instead of the Rangers/Mariner's - durst move on their part. This was the first time during the night that I realized we were in trouble. Anytime a friend suggests that they are going to 'drink their dinner' - beware!

From Corner Bar we headed to the Loon - and became Loonatics - to celebrate Kelly Cheeseburger's b-day. Bfobvs all over your b-day tees, gfriend. Instantly we ordered our first coffee mug full of Jager - where Charlie had to take a quick Time-out and swallow 50 times to make sure it wasn't going to come back up. It was awesome to see everybody out -- and thanks to all the kind words people said about the blog. We got fans - biaaatch. The time-bomb named Charlie exploded after some 4-finger vodkee's and another shot o' Jager. At this point in the night - alcohol was being abused. The funniest moment of the night was when Charlie went to use the bathroom and stood at the door waiting to go in. I came over 5 minutes later and he was still standing outside. "Who the eff is taking a shit at the Loon, man" was slurred by Charlie, and I decided to make sure someone was in the bathroom -- I turned the knob and to Charlie's surprise - nobody was in the bathroom. Instantly classic - schmears. Warning! Do not send text messages while at the bar that read 'I need sauce'.

We caught a ride home for Mr. p2 himself - and ended up calling for a cab to take us to TWhataburger - worst idea evs. Matty V decided to enjoy a beer in the cab - so ridic's. Charlie leans over to me and says "I am trying so hard not to throw up right now - and am losing the battle". Jeez. We finally return to Kim's to enjoy our late night delicacies - eff'ing PEC taquito's yo! Charlie finishes eating and than goes and lays on the toliet to empty his stomach - so best.

SaturDAZE - The day was filled with dry heaves and tennis - not at the same time, of course. I was supposed to help my brother move a armoir and instead just got in the way as I sweated out the Jager I had consumed the night before. Miserable.

I ended up having a very busy night - consisting of 3 parties to attend as well as having dinner with Big Bob. We decided to have dinner at Truluck's where I bobvs'd all over some salmon and salad. fuuuuueeee. So delicious.
Afterward,I saw the most ridiculous thing evs. See below.

Give me an eff'in break!

I have no explanation for what would cause someone to want to have that. Straight up the most fucking asinine thing I have ever seen.

After dinner I stopped by C.K.'s party for some quality patio time and some ice cold Miller Lites. I then headed off with Scottland to meet up with Charlie Murphy at Knox Street Pub - for a donkeyboner and debauchery.

The infamous Donkey Boner

A donkeyboner - Revealed! A donkeyboner is hands down the wurst shot that was ever invented. It works like this - you get a group of guys (girls stay out of this!) and each person calls a different licka. Our donkeyboner consisted of Jager - 151 - and peppermint schnaaps. Not as bad as I originally thought - but definatly not good. Things started getting hazzy after this point in time - but we did have several discussions about improvements for the site (boner of the month) and wurst boob job of the week - stay tuned!

Diiirt off my shoulder

We got crunk with Jay during "dirt off my shoulder". DJ Mike was cracking my shit up with his air turntable abitilites - robvs.

DJ Mike getting crunk

Quote of the night was Scottland Dub - "Tonight is not about Donkey Boners - it is about other Debauchery". And he was correct, kinda. I can't describe what happened afterwards b/c apparently I left abruptly and told people I stole a bottle of licka - which did not happen. Anyways - I was hurting this morning when I ralphed at 12:30 - straight up 151 - uggggh. The bottom line - weekend was total tits. Thanks for all the good times - and high fives.

Now - for some quick PHC.

Hey Taco C. - hire some people who at least speak English at the drive-thru, or you will continue to lose my business!

Has anyone seen that Drew Barrymore documentary on MTV where she travels around and tries to convince people to vote? Don't waste you time - it blows. While I am on the rant - I think MTV is trying way to hard these days to send political messages. For example - the Bush sisters and Kerry sisters at the Music Awards - wurst idea evs. MTV - the majority of your viewers are to young to vote!

Wurst attempt to get media attention evs! Your life is basically over sweetheart.

I give you the best weather research on the web, hands down. Go ahead and bookmark it.

Singh me a song - talk about a hell of a year. This guy is looking like Tigre' did in the late 90's.

Say whaaaat?

And finally - you can bet your ass I will have front row tickets for this hottness. bobvs.

You guys are beautiful - keep reading - and stay bobvs.

Friday, September 24, 2004

I love Scoooootch! I love Gooooooold!

sooooooo soft!


A little PHC teaser before the weekend of weekends. The Murph is re-uniting with Jagermonster in the D (uptown stizz) for one epic, green bottle blasting, SP Mode Spying, Alcoholic Robot Imitating, HURRICANE MUTHAFUCKIN DONKEYBONER WEEKEND!!! Get the street sweepers out, for my liver cries tonight. SWAMPTHING!Birthday celebrations for Kelly and Erin...where else but THE LOON! Vodka Tonics...4 fingers high vodka, splash of sprite, 1 quarter lime, 3 ice cubes, little black straw. MARVELOUS. Three dollars you say? In Dallas? Get out of town. Predictions: Fire-Hydrant style Vomits, 3 empty bottles of jager, tennis on saturday (proceeded by vahmit), Venus gets out of control, Scotty Dub pees on the futon, Swampthing comes up for air and makes another appearance. Tees will be bovs'd upon.




A proverbial land missile? Nope...just some dude doing 205 ON A FUCKING CROTCH-ROCKET! I used to have a friend with a street bike. His name was douchebag.

Worst way to die....fire? suffocation? G-DUBS? Nope...this guy has got you beat.

David Koresh...you figure he's stealing money from his followers, stockpiles some cash, and decides he needs a decent ride to cruise around Waco and pick up some young central Texas skirts. What better car to cruise some talent with than a 1968 Chevy Camaro - 427 cu.in. block and 500 donkeypower, Gone In Sixty Seconds stizz (sans DSL Angelina Jolie). Totally matches the mullet and aviators. Miraculously (no pun intended), the car managed to escape the blaze unscathed (barring a few minor TANK scratches), and is now being auctioned off on EBAY. Charlie Murphy will ride $20 as far as it will go.

Oprah = Scam Artist. (robvs)
First of all, the cars Okrah gave away last week were not in fact bought by her.Say Girl!
They were donated by Pontiac, and she played it off as if she bought the damn things herself. What a fraud. And if Oprah were a true philanthropist, she would cover the whopping $7,000 per car in tax costs each studio member will accrue if they accept the shitwagon. I guess my marketing professor was right when he said, "There's no such thing as a free lunch."


And with that, I'm northbound 45, left on Hall, straight into the arms of my favorite girls (Yerby, Stinie, and Erin, NATCH!). Thanks in advance for babysitting me all weekend. See you at Whataburger, 4 am sharp! schmears!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Wrong side of the bed

Oh my God, I'm a DRUGGIE!
How many times will this picture pop up in the media over the next couple of days? What a nightmare. And what bad timing…I mean the bastard is riding high after the mild success of Saved, and then he gets caught carrying half an ounce of weed (modest chunk), and Xanex (which he definitely didn’t have a prescription for). Some say worst move since letting Jacko touch his tee-tee.

An amazing article by John Lopez (Houston Chronicle) describing the Atrophy of American Supremecy in athletics after the Europeans made us walk to the red tees with our dongs hanging out (old golf rule) at this year's Ryder Cup. This guy is dead on. Americans once again have something to prove to the rest of the world...who will step up to the challenge?

Martha Stewart. Why do I feel like this trip to Jail will only help her stock. Go Figure.

Honestly...how many fucking CSI shows can TV Dinner!run at the same time before America spontaneously vomits their El Charrito Saltillo TV dinner all over the living room? I mean, THREE are on during primetime slots this fall. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHO FAKE-MURDERED SOME CRACK DEALER IN EITHER MIAMI, NEW YORK, OR LAS VEGAS! SHIT!!!

Jason Alexander - dude...my favorite show on TV is ESPN's Pardon The Interruption. Now, Jason...Seinfeld was huge...you played a character who was funny...it was based upon the life of Larry David (writer of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm)...the act fit your look...but your last couple of projects have bombed. Maybe you should hang up the spikes. Your new show, based on Espn's PTI, features you playing a cranky, hot-headed (starting to sound familiar?), animated sports anchor...albeit Tony Kornheiser is way funnier than you will ever be. I guess some actors, although unfortunate, can only realize success when accepting roles suited for their typecast (see Matt LeBlanc). If it weren't for Theo Huxtable playing your sidekick, I probably wouldn't even bother to watch. Maybe you should start reconsidering a sequel to Dunston Checks In.

The only thing worse than listening to Soft Rock
(don't get me wrong...Charlie Murphy loves Phil Collins, but they repeat that shit like 5 times a day) at work is listening to Country all day. My new hate: the song by Gretchen Trailer-fem that's about redneck women and goes "Hell Yeah" like 50 times. I want to dig out my eardrums with the surgical scissors every time I hear that damn song. Whatever happened to hott female country artists like Mindy McCready? Hillbilly Heroin?
I Love Drugs!

Does your Grandmother relate everything in the universe to food like mine does? I love Mama Eva, she's a saint. But sometimes she makes me laugh out loud at her on the phone. For instance, last week I was asking her about Mom, Dad, and the house back in New Orleans (they stayed with her because of the hurricane). Her reply, "Oh...they're fine. But Charlie...I bought the most beautiful ham yesterday at the grocery store...you wouldn't believe it." I mean...I'm trying to check on my parents' life status and assess the possible damage done to our house by the hurricane, and she's bragging to me about some glorious ham she just purchased from the butcher. Lesson? Cajuns are serious about their meat.

Nalgene bottles have become quite the trend these days. I think I saw a 7 year old walking to school with one clipped to her backpack the other day. Being the avid outdoorsman, I have collected a few over the years...not as a trend setter...but for the simple fact that they are supposed to be able to withstand a fall from some rediculous height (I think the dude at Whole Earth told me 10 stories). Anywizz...I ran my own little experiment yesterday. Full of water. 5 story parking garage. To my amazement, held its form...and I am a satisfied customer.

Bush and Kerry have their first televised debate slated for next week in Florida. Do yourself a favor and watch.

Mrs. Federline. "The nondenominational ceremony took place at a private home in Studio City, California, with about twenty guests in attendance, including Spears' mother Lynne and younger sister actress Jamie Lynn. The couple ate chicken fingers and ribs, and danced to Journey." JOURNEY?!! Come on. Need I say more? Did you see that MTV COMMERCIAL about how the girl wasn't going to put the name of Brit's husband on the wedding card cause she knows she'll have to change it later? Re-Fucking-Donkulous....maybe you had to be there.

Speaking of funny commercials...the new Bud Light commercial where the ref gives the dude a 15 yard penalty for a Tribal Band arm tattoo. Classic!

Guns and alcohol don't mix? Don't tell this guy.

Okay....I just finished this at work (on the clock!), and I have a surgery to assist. Catch me on the flip side.

DON'T CHANGE.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Aww Skeet Skeet!

Guess who's back - Back again - Jager's back - Tell a friend!

Damn I have missed you people...

Let me start out by saying it takes a real man to stand in line with 20 other people at Best Buy with only a Mean Girls DVD in your hand. I persevered bitches.

Lohan in '04 - Bobvs.



What a great day! I got off work at 3:30 - I bought Mean Girls - and The Glenlivet 12 yr is now in my licka cabinet. Oh yeah - WSOP tourny of champs is on tonight too - some might say best day evs.

This weekend was filled with Bobvsicle's and Bobvsticles. Catch my drift? Apologies go out to all those in C-stat who thought I was coming down. I got kidnapped yo, and it didn't suck.

The Daddies & Co. progressed southernly to DD's lake house. And yes - WE FOUND SKUNKSTRIPE! After ace'ing a sixer in the car ride down, the debauchery started. Let's just say Scottland enjoys laughing at himself while throwing up, and of course likes urinating on bathroom floors. It was bfobvs. STICK PROCUREMENT!

Saturday was filled with countless beers - me eating shit about 30 times trying to water ski - and of course my 12th man kicking some serious bobvsticles. I might be looking through some maroon shades - but we might have a chance for a bowlgame. schmears.

Britney what the eff are you thinking? I am glad to hear that everyone went to the reception in 'sweatpants'. Also glad to hear that she had 'chicken fingers' and 'Waldorf salad'. And finally, glad to hear that the 'goody bags' (not funbags) included jeans and candy. I told you she wasn't WT! Some couples are just a match made in Heaven -- and by Heaven I mean trailer park.

Whoever thought Macaulay Caulkin would never have another big hit --you were wrong! Much like Ricky Dub's -- this kid looooves the ciggaweed (and pills).

You want hottness? Don't say I didn't warn you! (SFW)

Looks like somebody pulled an Anne Heche. How can a couple of hot Russian vixens go from lesbodian back to hetero? Who the eff knows, but you won't find me complaining!

And finally - for those of you who really don't know what skeet is. You know who you are.


Monday, September 20, 2004

Whoa, Bob, Whoa

Zilker Park-Austin, Tx


Slowly making the turn after a weekend that, let's be honest, could hold the number one slot for the year's best. Jeez...where do I even start?

Left The Station on Friday afternoon straight from work. Arrived in Austin at roughly 6pm. We unloaded our bags and headed straight for Zilker Park.

Day One: Toots and the Maytals. so tight. TOOTS!Godfather of reggae...perfect slow, methodical jamming...bass drum thumping, 4-string slapping goodness. Really the highlight of the night considering the last two shows suffered through were Durst Ferdinand and Los Dursty Boys, respectively (almost would rather have caught Sheryl Crow-Armstrong instead...almost). Franz threw together some of their crappy scot-pop songs, intermittently sprinkled with broken-english commentary (trainspotting stizz). Add to that some technical difficulties and a terrible sound engineer, and you've got a recipe for auditory diarrhea. no buzz.

Day Two: After sleeping until noon for the first time in weeks, we headed out again. Much better line-up. Started out with The Old 97's. Awesome. Next session was split between Howie Day (come ci, come ca...that's Franch asshole), and The Gourds. Directly proceeded by Modest Mouse (which they played mainly old stuff...thank god), My Morning Jacket (check them out), Trey Anastasio (of phish fame), The Pixies (Frank Black...so tigs) and G-Love and Special Sauce. All great shows...Highlights included Old 97's, Trey and G-Love.

Day Three: Best day of all. Kick it off with Mofro...a band from Florida who knows how to rally the crowd. Nothing gets the hairs standing on the back of Charlie Murphy's neck like a wild-ass pipe-organ style keyboard, harmonica, and slide guitar. They get better and better every time i see them. Schmears. One of my personal favs at the moment. Next was The Roots. They get The Murph's Blue Ribbon award. Seriously...tore the lid off that stage. Probably the most crowded set all weekend...I'm talking over 50,000 moist people crowded for this event alone (out of 75,000). ?uest-love was beatin them skins...and Captain Kirk (lead guitar...who I met after the show and shook his hand)...damn. In the middle of the set, they started playing The Seed 2.0, and then broke out into a cover of Duran Duran's "White Lines", followed by a cover of Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight", into "Goodtimes". Effing unbelievable. Also covered was Santana's "Black Magic Woman". Left me dripping. After The Roots, caught North Mississippi Allstarts (tight), Jack Johnson (chill-best), and the Drive By Truckers (true southern rock - grits and bacon stizz).

Overall, the weekend was huge. Highlights: Gwinny!Mueller's handicap parking pass which enabled us to park at the apartments 50 yards from the venue (as opposed to parking somewhere downtown and walking 5 miles like everyone else), my two-minute Baja Fresh deuce (seriously impressive considering time constraints), the hott little blonde girl wearing a long white skirt and skimpy tank top dancing next to me like a little flower child on acid, GK's experience, megan's hottness (and gracious party weekend hospitality), green haze, taco bell's new value menu, crowd frisbee w/ kent, DY's filth, Opitz getting over his worthless ex.
Worst: 98 degree temp. w/ no wind, Big Fat 60 year old Hippie dancing in front of me (seriously man, you can wear deodorant and still be a hippie), dude w/ a tattoo on his back which wasn't visible due to back hair, fat girl w/ nipple piercings wearing no shirt, franz ferdinand, ass sweat, drink prices, laws.

sunset
Yeah...that's pretty much all I gots the juice for right now. Keep the Bovs flowin' like Niagra.

Don't Change.

Friday, September 17, 2004

oh fuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh



Debauchery ensues. Good stories to come on the flip-side.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I'm Not That Innocent Trashy

where's your turtle neck?

No...you're right, Lynne, your daughter is a very classy, usptanding, respectable looking young woman. What would give you the impression people think she looks trashy?

In similar news...Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are now engaged. Congratulations. Now you can make a Canadian musical UBERDURST!

Best Musical Force to come out of Canada EVS:


Wicked, EHH??!


Neil Peart - Best drums Evs
Geddy Lee - Highest Male Voice Evs

Ladies looking for a man??? Check out these hott poses from the BIKERFOX!!! (No shirt + JORTS = Instant Classic!!!)

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Schmears

My name is Charlie Murphy, and I approve this message.


G-MMMMMBEST!

Okay...if you haven't heard of Gmail, then toss that Commodore 64 out the window and get with the times. Like a nasty global pandemic of the G-Dubs (the STD), 1986, YO!the Gmail juggernaut has spread to the far reaches of the country (thanks in most part to GoogleCV). I have never been so happy with an email provider (FREE no less). I love the ability to search to find the exact message you want, no matter when it was sent or received. 1000 megabytes (serious porn capacity) of free storage. Each message is grouped with all its replies and displayed as a conversation. No pop-up ads. No untargeted banners. BOVS ON THEM TEES. Best part about it...it's still in beta quasi-underground country club phase ...which means to be a member, you must be invited by another member (um...Bob Connely...I was just trying to get some Tee Time - Spoonie Luv). If you're cool enough, maybe Charlie Murphy has one of his invites left with your name on it.

So I've been totally obsessed with this band Athlete. New cd (Vehicles and Animals) is featured in my hottness on the sidebar. Click on the link and purchase immediately. You won't be disappointed.

Recent reads of the current state in Russia can't help but leave me with visions of the old hammer and sickle. Is is just me, or have the outlandish statements and acts by current president Vladimir Putin seem to be leaning towards the days of the Red Machine? I'll keep an eye out...

Heads up Gulf Coast (and my parents, who currently reside in the Crescent City!), Ivan seems determined to tear some shit up. What a crazy year for weather. 3 category 4 or greater hurricanes in less than 2 months...seriously...is the apocalypse upon us or something? If Ivan strikes the heart of New Orleans, Jackson Square could end up looking something like this!


So Cubs

Have you ever wondered what it is like to be a Cubs fan? Want to practice? Watch the Rangers. A diehard fan since my conception (do the names Scott Fletcher, Oddibe McDowell, Pete O'brien and Icaviglia, Charlie Hough, Geno Petralli, Steve Beuchelle, Don Slaught mean anything to you??), I think I have slowly developed a condition over the years. Year after year...same story. Typically in contention for the first 3/4 of the season (thanks year in and year out to a stellar offense), the Rangers always fall as the last month or two of baseball come to a close. Old SchoolAlthough I can't really complain this year thanks to a complete 180 from last season, I can't help but feel the pain of Chicago and Boston fans. Did anyone happen to catch the game last night (probably not). I was just about to finish the last of my volumes of readings when I looked up to see the camera zooming in on a woman resembling Massive Head Wound Harry (Dana Carvey stizz). Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco, apparently having enough of the taunting, hurled a chair hammer-throw style at the first row of patrons, hitting 3 of them. Totally Unexcusable. As a professional athlete, you are expected to be able to hold your cool and act like a professional. You know going into this profession that there will be taunting, heckling, cell phone throwing, etc. Never should retaliation cross the mind, save for a breach in your own personal safety. I say give the jackass a lenghty suspension accompanied by a hefty fine. The dude will no doubt be sued as well. no buzz.

Speaking of Dallas sports, if you love sports talk radio, become a P-1 and check out The Hardline on KTCK The Ticket. I listen to the show every afternoon online. So Best!!! Snake!!

Somewhat excited about a couple of upcoming movies. First on the list...I Heart Huckabees. I love quirky little indie movies, and based on the buzz, this one seems to hold a lot of promise (Schwartzman...so tigs).

Also somewhat aroused (no pun intended) about the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard. Not only is Boobie McGee (bovs on those sweater monkeys) officially cast as the ass-splitting JORTS sponsor, but Jay Chandrashekar of Supertroopers (tits) and Club Dread fame is writing and directing the remake. Word has it that he's trying to cast Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg. No word yet as to who will play Cooder! (not you, skunk stripe!)

Nothing makes The Murph happier than when a young, beautiful female actress decides to shed her bubble-gum kiddie teen movie image by playing peek-a-boobie in a more serious, artsy movie (fobvs). In the upcoming movie Havoc, Anne Hathaway of Princess Diaries fame will supposedly be showing off her assets opposite Bijou Phillips. Hathway had recently said, "I wish people wouldn't sensationalise seven seconds of a two-hour performance." Seriously...those people are like...so immature.

And Adam Brody (from the OC) has taken his ideas for a new Revenge of the Nerds to director McG (come on dude...use your real name). Plot line...the AlphaBetas tease the dorks, a competition ensues, Nerds rule the school. Sprinkle in a couple of tatties here and there and you've got yourselves a true ROTN installment. (and possibly a cameo by Booger)

Alright bitches...The Murph is off to the lap pool, Michael Phelps stizz. May bovs drip steadily down your own respective tees this afternoon. NATCH!

Skater Crash clip (OUCH!)

Monday, September 13, 2004

Big Champs! Big Champs!

As promised - this site is blowing up, Kristie Alley stizz. We got national recognition today from the Thigh Master. Big Titties - Big Titties. I am glowing with fobvs...

Mark Cuban as The Benefactor. Call me crazy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the show tonight. Sure I am bias because I live in Dallas and I am a MFFL (if you don't know what this means - don't ask! Yeah I am talking to you SKUNK-STRIPE!!!). Jenga for a mill? Are you kidding me? I love it. Only thing better - sexual Jenga (circa 1996).

Best frozen pizza - Freschetta Sauce Filled Crust - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE

Best take out pizza - Campisi's. Bfobvs on your Mafia tee's.

I love living in downtown D. The main benefit is that I put very few miles on my car. The last time I filled up was August 28th - and I only have 156 miles on my car since then. Megatigs.

I know a lot of people are concerned about hurricane Ivan (no, not Ivan Fox - AJ), but the people of the lone starshould be worried about a tropical depression that is forming 1 mile north of Dallas. Weather reports shoow that tropical depression Jamieson is heading south and should arrive in c-stat on Friday around 8:00pm. Meterologists warn that by Friday it is likely that Jamieson will be a full blown Category 5 storm. I expect my groupies to have Jagerbombs ready - two at a time. Cowabunga dude.



Tomorrow night - Must see tely. WSOP '04 final table!!!! I have been waiting all summer for this shit. All in - biaaaaatch.

What the hell is this all about? Who dresses up as Batman to protest? You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I know a lot of you guys know our good friend "The Venis". Please send your prayers - he is in bad shape. I saw him looking at this at work yesterday! Who does that shit, I ask again?!?!

Stay bobvs people!



O Liver, Where Art Thou?

best!

BC Powder + Fruit Punch Gatorade = Best Hangover Cure EVS!!!

Holy shitballs...so effing strong
still trying to recover from an EPIC weekend. Ingredients for a three day Donkeyfest includes (in no particular order): 1 bottle of Sunny Brooke (sunny bone), 3 cokes, multiple 1 litre beers a la Logan's, 3 Turkish Golds (bummed, NATCH!), CHARTREUSE??!!!, Jager, 3 meals of Mexican Food (followed by my good friend Rrhea), Wrecking Drew the Alcoholic Cyborg, sunscreen (Andy J stizz), 1 hot dog, a beer bong, and 500 million LOVE BUGS!



Football Re-Cap:

"Ags Win, Ags Win!!!" (Harry Carry Stizz) The Ags managed to put together a better than average performance in the second half of their home opener Saturday. Unfortch for me, I was busy wiping the alcohol pouring out of my sweat glands and missed probably half of the game because of it. Worked up quite an ass sweat. Seriously, I can't remember the last time my chode was so moist.
nice GUNT!

Cowboys...leave a little bit less than to be desired. The Vinny to Keyshawn connection proved a formidable foe, yet the lack of experience in our secondary permitted Randy Moss to run circles around Pete Hunter's chicken. I'd hate to be on the practice field come monday morning. Something tells me a Devil's Thunder is a brewin' in Bill Parcells' FUPA!


Might as well rename them the Washington Foreskins, seein' as how everyone in sports media is sucking their D. For reals...they're not THAT good.

Phila now has a forseeable Super Bowl opportunity thanks to the man who carries a Sharpie in his Jockey Strap. (and I'm not talking about Andy Reid).

You didn't hear about Primetime making any big plays this weekend, did you? That's because they didn't throw to his man ONE SINGLE TIME all game. I'd say that's quite a compliment.



Ken Jennings, the Stormin' Mormon who is making Alex Trabec look like a public school dropout, might have ended his record winning streak (42 as of thursday) on a recent show taped last tuesday. racing stripe, perhaps?Can you say QUIZ SHOW? Seriously...that dude HAS to have an earpiece, Vince Vaughn stizz.

"Shave It* Like Beckham": the new slogan Gilette has paid David Beckham $61 mil to use. They'll never hear the end of that one.


* (Victoria Beckham)

Neve Campbell has decided to break her "no nudity clause" by appearing nude in the upcoming movie When Will I Be Loved. The actress, who previously swore off all roles requiring her to dis-robe, has finally reached that point in an aging female actress' career where only soft core porn can generate enough money and attention to earn her an extra 15 seconds of fame (see also: Meg Ryan).

Someone please remind Katie Couric that she's 47 (platinum highlights are so high school).

In more shocking news, former N'SYNC douchebag Joey Fatone got married this weekend, dispelling the often-circulated rumors that he has lots of sex with dudes.

I've just decided...The Killers suck. no buzz.

Surprise, Surprise. A famous supermodel comes clean about snorting rails for the past 10 years. Honestly...how do you think she keeps that spectacular bod? Yesterday's Frosted Flakes = today's Special K and Coke.

Ashton Kutcherworst will be wearing his Von Durst trucker hat opposite Sharon Stone in the long dreaded sequel to Basic Instinct. Demi's nervous...count on that.

And lastly, a woman was pronounced dead at a Cincinnati hospital over the weekend compliments of her cute little Urutu Pit Viper (WTF?). Other pets found in the apartment included 9 poisonous snakes, various lizards, and aligators. Hey Jack(ie) Hanna...should have gone with the slightly less poisonous Bichon Frise.

That's all I have time to put together for now, check back with us later when you're coasting on fumes and the LOW PHC light flicks on.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

I had an AWESOME time....

Hello - Hola - Caio - привет and Het hallo...

How the hell is everybody? I know that most people are probably having severe withdrawals from the lack of content posted on TheBoner the past couple of days - but fear not, the Jagermonster is back. I got so much hottness it will be dripping from your tees for weeks.

Worst way to wake up in the morning? Listening to this
crap. I can't say that I listen to it - but I have a friend that does. Kidd is so 1990, it makes C. Thomas Howell jealous.

Shaq comes out with a
cd. Finally something worse than Kazzzzzzzzzzzzzam!

Joey - So becks. My guess - no more than 3 episodes.

The Apprentice deuce - did anyone watch the hour long BOREDroom scene? How many times did I hear 'talented' or 'utilized' -- way too many I tell you. I am going to go out on a limb here and say this one is going to be ever shittier than the first. Let's be honest, that bitch Pamela should have been fired along with Rob. Both suck.

Georgia Tech/Clemson game - So best. One of the better upsets I have seen in awhile. Let's hope Clemson is depressed and doesn't show up next week.



Pretzels are the new croutons - or so Scottland Dub believes. I was shocked to see my roommate load up his salad with some Rold Gold's tonight. "This shit is going to catch on, I swear" - bfobvs. Speechless....

David Carr's
hair - durstimus maximus.

Anyone else freaked out by the abundance of ink in the NFL these days? I threw up after I saw Jason Babin's. That shit is gross.




The OC - Obsessed Completely. Mischa -- looking hotttttttttttt.

"There is a real good chance that we can kill this bottle tonight" - Scottland referring to the 4 liter bottle of Sangria he purchased at 11:00pm last night. I refuse to tell you the outcome.

Do yourself a favor and download
Bob Schneider "The King of the World" - this song is the tits. Thank me later.

I just was informed that my birthday falls on a Friday this year. Disastrous. Blowout details to follow in the upcoming weeks.

Don't be fooled by the Blog that I got -- I'm still Jamie from the block.



Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Flaccid

Friends of the Boner,

Jagermonster and The Murph apologize for the recent chaos...Skunkstripe was trying to hold us down by effing up our cozy little PHC nook. Please don't be deterred by our sidebar debacle.

In the Lord's name we pray,

Amen.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Crying is for bitches - word.

That's right. Big Daddy Jagermonster posting on a worknight. You won't hear me crying no rivers (JT stizz), though. Fobvs all over your TFB tees.

Whoever said this blog wasn't going to be a success can ess my dee. That's right kids, we are on the aol search engine. Apparently someone was directed to our site (fueeeee) by searching for 'boner' on aol. Surprise - Surprise, result page 7 of 2821. The daddy's are blowing up - total tits.

Some small hottness from work today:

  • Big Titty Dell Laptop fully equiped with wireless (the only way to fly) and a dvd player (sydnee steele)NSFW
  • Corporate Amex cards on the first day
  • Payday on the 15th of September
Can it get any bedda? Yes - look below skunkstripe!



Lohan in '04

3 entries found for boner.


bon·er1 (bnr)n. Informal - A blunder or an error.
bon·er2
(bnr)n. Vulgar Slang - An erection of the penis.
boner n. - an embarrassing mistake [syn: blunder, blooper, bloomer, bungle, foul-up, fuckup, flub, botch, boo-boo]

Gotta love "boo-boo"

Boner, Growing Pains Stizz

Sorry, D'ers, but highway 290 (not northbound 45) heeded the call of the Land Rover (not my own, unfortch for me) this weekend. Debauchery ensued. A hauntignly familiar sequence of events to which I proudly lay claim.


It all started off with a little trip to City Park for a leisurely pre-party mountainbiking stint in north Austin. Unbeknownst to me, this effing bitch of a trail comprised mainly of grueling steep grade rock climbs and 3 to 5 foot limestone drops. Never the pessimist (yeah right), I convinced our group to proceed with the danger, cause that's how we roll...like my buddy Lance. But I have 2 grapes. 3 hours and 10 lacerations later, we emerged victoriously to the final steep drop in. All of the other riders decided to skip the last drop and ride out the smooth part in true vaginal fashion. I, on the other hand, decided to attempt the 8 foot drop in front of a small audience of semi-professional mountainbikers. Just as I am about to tuck my tail between my legs and ride out the rest on the flatter, easier path, a man yells out to me in his loudest voice (in front of a crowd of 15 people), "Do it you PUSSY! My 12 year old son just nailed that drop twice!" FUCK! Now I pretty much had to do it, or withstand a(nother) night of drunken and persistent ridicule. My eyes reluctantly open, I picked a line and kicked that fucker straight in the nuts. I rode down to the crowd of dudes, and the one guy tossed me an ice-cold Shiner Best. He was all "I was just kidding about calling you a pussy". Regardless...I'm glad I landed on two tires and not my neck (or weiner).

Come sundown, we are partying at Shakespear's, 6th street stizz, and a freaking fight breaks out in the middle of the street. Some barely 5'10" white "fratty" is talking shit to this jacked African American fellow. Out of nowhere comes a cherry left followed by a hard right uppercut to his lack of chin, burnt orange hat flying off into the night. Liquid courage...it's a bitch sometimes. On 6th street, the city of Austin deploys a horse-mounted unit to patrol the often out of control Texas version of Bourbon Street. The mountees were soon on these two like flies on shit. Imagine two guys handcuffed laying face-down on this alcohol swamp of a street. Now picture a mountee coming full circle around these guys, backing his horse in to get closer, and his horse takes a Gi-normous shit no further than 3 feet from their noses. I'm talking splatter paint all over the face. Streaming shredded wheat hay-biscuits of wholesome horse deuce (nice alliteration) clap noisily on the ground, and all these punks could do was turn their faces to avoid the little pellets of green and brown slop. CLASSIC! By now there was a strong crowd gathering, and everyone within a 5o meter radius was bent over in stitches laughing. SO BEST!


I just took my Jeep in to the shop to get some over due body work done from my little fender-bender last month. I'll be rolling all week in a beige Nissan Alti-worst. Look for me.

I was reading in the new People magazine today (instead of actually working) that MTV is rumored to be in talks with Brit-Brit and Kevin Feder-Wharf Rat about being the new Newlyweds. The original show, which featured Nick Lachey and wife, surprisingly had me watching every episode during season one. Before the show, I always thought Nick was such a freaking homo-douche bag, boy-band loser who didn't deserve to be married to America's most beautiful entertainer. Post season 1 reflection: Nick Lachey is a badass...Jess is quite the high-maintenance/whiny princess. Call it a hunch, but I don't forsee myself giving the same respect to ol' Kev. In a related story, Brit just cast the future wife-beater as her groom in the sure-to-be-shitty remake of Bobby Brown's "My Perogative". I can't wait.

Tiger Woods has been passed for the first time in 264 weeks (record) by The Cheater, Vijay Singh. After such a disappointing season, it comes as no surprise to me that Tiger has been ousted. I just was just hoping for Ernie to take the honors, and definitely not bitch-tits Phil the Spill, who albeit does still hold the number one slot for hottest wife on tour. schmears.
Who has the bigger boobs now?

Today's new Sports Illustrated ranks the Cowboys last in the NFC East??? Are you kidding me? How does Washington rank above the D? Horseshit.

Sadly, friends, I have books to be bobvs'd upon. So becks.

But first, it's time to sleep off that chicken fried steak I had for lunch. mmmm...

Remember Topanga from Boy Meets World??? (don't pretend like you don't)


Monday, September 06, 2004

All-Star Weekend, yo!


Holy shitballs kids. What the hell happened this weekend? I will enlighten you with several stories involving poor decisions and OOC times(not The OC, skunkstripe!). This weekend was badazz, thanks to everyone who came out and celebrated my last weekend of freedom.

Friday Night :
A.Parks, Harshaw, and Matty Kerins all came in from out of town for the rooftop blowout party. But, lets be honest, we had a few TMFB's (tasty mutha eff'in bevy's) prior to arriving at The Heights. We had 'dinner' at The Loon, notorious for destroying people's nights/lives. We ordered a few coffee cups full of Jäger (apparently we didn't learn our lesson last time) and choice cocktails (g/t, bourbon and a 'splash' of coke) and had some siick catching up to do. Scottland Dub - "I can't take this shot, I am driving -- I will have a vodka tonic, please". From there we went to the G-Gallery to view "The Artiist's" work. The best part of the G-Gallery visit was being greeted with the instrumental version of "I'm a slaaave for you". Neptunes, best band ever -- hands down, according to the Artiist.
A rundown of all the 'best things' - according to the Artiist.


-Best Bar Evs: The Loon, hands down
-Best Band Evs: N.E.R.D, hands down
-Best City Evs: San Fran, hands down
-Best Drink Evs: G/T, hands down
-Best Place to Throw-up: JägerMonster's Sink, hands down


From the G-Gallery we headed to the rooftop fiesta, where the number of gay men outnumbered us 100 fold. While this might have been an uncomfortable situation, we made the best out of it by having several beers and enjoying the Dallas Skyline - dripping with hottness. The quote of the party by K.Harshaw, "Fratty.net - that shit is soo gay", while surrounded by 10 gay men. Nice move ace. After getting blown-up Patty-J. stizz, by A. Brown (who works for my dad) - we decided to head to the "Idle Hands"- as A.Parks calls it. Several drinks later, two people promised me they were going to throw-up that night, amazingly neither one of them did. Congrats, I'm sorry! Everyone passed out around 4:30am, and one person had a wedding at 8:30am - sucked for him. schmears.




Saturday: filled with telling stories and participating in a modified Uptown-Olympics.

Maguire's M-Grille - Who made sticks?
The Dresden
Manhattan Bar
Severine's Martini Bar - Did I really play 'The Scientist' on the piano? Jeez.
TABC

My liver is hurting - but it will be on vacation for awhile, for rilz.

NCAA Football - total boring weekend - no upsets whatsoevs.
Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Shampoo - heaven.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - my newest favorite show. Check out them tee's.


Tomorrow I start work - not sure on the frequency of posts from here out. I trust Charlie Murphy will continue to bring you wit and buzz. It has been a ride, hasn't it?

Now on to Stick-Procurement!!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. bobvs.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Blog All Over Those Tee's

The truth must be told. I am a rock star - maybe not musically or drug related, but definitely by lifestyle. You see - the JägerMonster graduated from college last May and hasn't started his job yet. The break has been tight titties, but I am in need of paychex, Affleck stizz. The people in my apartment complex think I am a trust fund baby, but soon enough I will join the ranks of millions of Americans in the workforce. Because of 'work' I will be unable to:

Drink every night
Go to bars every night
Stay up till 3am every night
Bobvs on tees every night
Wake up an noon every day

Adjustments will be made - but I will overcome.

Wurst way to wake up? Walking into the living room and finding your roommate watching this. MISERABLE!

Bestest Lohan site I have seen in awhile. Anyone else counting down the days till this? I sport her entire collection.

Give me an eph'ing break. Who would pay $75 for that shit? The only Paris Hilton collection I want to be a part of is her 'greatest hits' - if you know what I am saying.



Tonight promises to be one of the best parties of the year. We have a rooftop party that looks out on the Dallas Skyline. Can you say schmears?

The clan:
GoogleCV
Hoffman
T2
A.Parks (Ah ha, hush that fuss everybody move to the back of the bus!)
Charlie "eff'in" Murphy
Scottland Dub
Harshaw'd
Kelly Eich.
Aus10
ect.

Gonna be Übertigs.

Next week will be filled with more buzz - I promise! Stay tuned.

I cook -- I clean -- I bobvs on tees. Aside from my alcohol problem(s), I make the ideal husband.

You Don't Know the Struggle, Man



So I was awoken this morning at 6:45 by my roommate, who, in a quasi-panic alcoholic haze, forgot I shaved a mo-hawk into his head last night (he so asked for it). Unfortch, he totally forgot about it until he was faced staring down a man sporting a patch-work sheep style mo-hawk and red eyes. I couldn't help but laugh for like 15 minutes straight, and then got really pissed for waking up 30 minutes early, hung over no less. Could have really used that extra sleep. Rough morning.

Looks like I'm off to party with Jagermonster (natch), Venus, Scotty Dub, GoogleCV and crew in the Big D, rooftop stizz. Already placed my order for the translucent green bottles featuring my favorite alcoholic animal (supposedly already in the freezer and ready to be drawn from). The Uptown weatherman is calling for showers late-night (comprised mainly of barf). If you're planning on traveling near the intersection of State and Allen, be sure to bring your umbrella, as you might be sprinkled upon with heave (of alcohol poison and bulemia origin...after all...we're only 5 miles from SMU campus). Tees are sure to be bovs (and possibly barfed) upon. Hey man...I'm just trying to live.

Thanks in advance to the girls of 2464 Worthington for the hospitality...Christine, you're the best! (robvs) By the way, I LOVE Belgian Waffles (but will settle for taquitos).

Three day weekend could be detrimental...here's to being alive on Tuesday morning. May Labor Day bless you with a stomach full of beef and Guinness (and a relatively painless exit).

Cheers!







Thursday, September 02, 2004

Chivas Christ!


This is the Chivas Life! Last night was a hell of a time, one of the best I have had since last week. Chivas was opened and Chivas was consumed. Scotch tastings are the tits. Thanks to all who went -- Scottland, Casual Quail Hunter, K-Bob, Erin, GoogleCV, T2. I looooooooooooooooove Scoooooooootch!

Last night started out with some choice adult cocktails : Chivas on rocks, Chivas & Ginger, and Chivas Apple Martini's. Just when we thought our luck couldn't get any better we were led into a ballroom where each of us was seated with 5 shots of scotch in front of us. Our host was a drunk Scottish bagpipe player who has made his living the last 18 years by drinking whiskey. Could be the best profession evs. He was very entertaining and enlightened us about the process of making scotch. It was tigs. Chivas Regal 18 year - fuuuuuuuuueeeeee.

As parting gifts they gave each one of us a bottle of 12 yr Chivas Regal. These people know how to throw a party.

After departing - we drove a block to
The Idle Rich on McKinney Ave. Any bar that serves Hoegaarden is good in Scottland's book. Debauchery ensued.

Tonight mark's the opening night of
Aggie Football - or the start of another losing season. Hey I like A&M just as much as the next guy, but I just don't have faith in our program. Solution? Bring back Bear Bryant from the grave - than we might have a chance, Junction Boys stizz. Howevs, my friends have insisted that Reggie is much more mature this year, whatever that means. If anyone is in Dallas - we will be at the Knox Street Bar - enjoying $2 MillerLites all night long.

"Just because you fuck a felon, it doesn't make you a felon" - Scottland Dub after 5 glasses of Scotch. I have no further explanation at this time.

So Kobe got off. I actually feel sorry for the dude. I mean he went through a lot of shit this past year with the press, fans, and his family (which he probably deserved). As predicted last July - the 'accuser' was after him for fame and money - that is the only logical explanation. Hopefully all the bad vibe towards Kobe will wear off and people will realize that the kid can shoot.

"Is there any tits in this movie" - Jamieson Ryan, prior to watching The Passion.

Apparently the best way to get over Brit-Brit is to make out with a tranny for hours on end. That's right - Brit's ex-beau was spotting making out with a tranny at a nightclub. Not exactly his finest moment(s). If I ever get that wasted where I even talk to a tranny -- someone beat the shit out of me. so obvs.

Drinking urine is the new eating an apple. Say good-bye to sinus trouble, grey hair, and cancer. So sicks.

Don't hurt yourself tonight - it is only Thursday and it is going to be a looooong weekend.

"By the beard of Zeus!"




Do you smell that? A smokey green haze strong enough to choke Tommy Chong is about to occupy Zilker Park in Austin 15 days from now. The epic Austin City Limits Festival, embraced by gentle credit card hippies everywhere, has Charlie Murphy's lacrimal glands wetting themselves like a 30 year old woman on Zestra. Medeski Martin & Wood, G-Love, Trey Anastasio, Drive By Truckers, Gomez, Bob Schneider (BEST), Jack Johnson, Elvis Costello, The Roots, Toots (reggae original), My Morning Jacket, Old 97's, MOFRO (met them...straight from Bonnaroo), Monte Montgomery have my personal approval of hottness. Check them out.

Note to dumbass store clerk: There is no such thing as a $200 bill. Nor is there any type of currency with G-Dub's face on it. Honestly...people never cease to amaze me. (see above pic)

Holy Zell!
Senator Miller's speech last night...wow. This Republican National Convention is heating up man. G-dub to deliver the keynote speech tonight, rodeo stizz. He specifically requested no podiums, and a "bull-pen" style circle in the middle of MSG. Unprecedented...let's see how it works.

Did you honestly think Kobe even had a chance of serving time in Colorado? Come on...you should know by now...professional athletes are above the law. (i'm not saying he didn't do it, i'm just saying i never doubted his innocence).

China, seriously, don't let the communist regime
keep you from getting yours! (albeit by yourself). The porn crackdown - led by Information Minister WANG XuDONG. Irony? Es possible!

Fat Lip - What's up Fat Lip? download it.

Dude, Florida can't seem to catch a break these days. Hurricane Frances (that BITCH!) is headed for the east coast, legs spread as wide as Texas. Batten down the hatches and stay safe out there.

Skunk Stripe called me again last night. She was all "I want to come over tonight" and I was all "Listen...shit that happens at the lake, stays at the lake". Donkeyboatshoes knows what I'm talkin' bout.

Geez...effing lame-o day. I reckon I'll start packing for this weekend. Headed to Austin for a little culture. Disc golf, mountainbiking, wakeboarding (hyperlite stizz), and 6th street beckon my call. Floating the Guadeloupe (or Guad-a-poop) river on Sunday. And by floating I mean passing out in my tube via Jager IV drip. Aquasocks are still cool, right?

Let's hope Coach Fran can bring one home for the Ags tonight (or at least score enough to cover the 9.5 point spread for daddy!)


I'll leave you with this Brit-Brit sideboobage (oh fuuuuuuhhhhhh) to make up for the total lack of buzz today.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"I'm Naaaaaaationwide"



Straight from the lips of ZZ top (if you can find them hidden in that facial bird's nest). Seriously...huge thanks to Uncle Grambo (www.whatevs.org stizz) for all of the helpful input/advice/recognition recently. Like Sacajawea to Lewis and Clark, you have navigated us through this dense forest known as the blog-o-sphere. We owe you, godfather. RESPEC'!

So much hott dripping out of my orifices.

Okay, i'll admit it...i'm a Real World fan. I have no qualms about sitting and watching a whole marathon on a Sunday afternoon while avoiding the books. But it was bound to happen...they have run out of cool cities in America to host the show. Come on...Philadelphia? I know they have professional sports teams and all, but this year's cast is getting screwed.

Ipods...I'm over them. Who really wants to carry around a large, white rectangle with white headphones anyway? Check out the new Sony Network Walkman. Real clean.

Did any of you catch the GOP convention last night? So titties. Ahhhnold was in straight Commando form. You just knew he was going to throw out all sorts of one-liners from previous movies. My fav: "Stop being economic GIRLY-MEN." Partisanship aside, you have to love him for what he's worth (awesome jokes!). I must admit, though, I was expecting a larger range of previous movie quotes (commando, kindergarten cop, BATMAN 3!!!) Left me somewhat unsatisfied. Bush Twins: One is smart and classy, and the other one is Jenna. But for real, I'd love to party with her sometime. The Austin rumor mill has filled me with super fantasies over the past 4 years.

So long Kilby...you will be missed tremendously.

What is this world coming to when "NOW MUSIC 16" replaces Ashlee Simpson (so hot, yet so no-talent ass clown) as the number 1 selling album in music this week. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Doesn't everyone in the world own an effing CD burner by now?! Seriously...I think they give that shit away in cereal boxes.

I have been watching the Texas Rangers religiously since I was a wee lad, and for once I thought we had a shot at making the playoffs this year. Looks like my hopes are dwindling as the game count grows fewer. Problems sound hauntingly familiar: Best-in-league offense meets underachieving pitching. Chan Ho Park...some say worst deal to hit Dallas since Shawn "The Praying Mantis" Bradley. EFFFFFFFFFFF!

"Which A-Rod would you rather be: Alex Rodriguez or Andy Roddick?" Interesting question posed by Sportscenter this morning. Do you mean pre or post Mandy Moore breakup, because I would totally live life Groundhog Day stizz if it's pre. (obvs)

The administration at Texas Tech out in Lubbock, Tx must be beside themselves after learning that Bobby Knight may have a deal in the works for a sitcom based on his life. Although they do say any publicity is good publicity. Pretty skeptical...I'll be checking it out, regardless.

Carly Patterson...is it just me or is she kind of a camera hog?

Tara Reid is the new ______ (insert trashy, burnt out young female B-list celebrity here).


Picked up the new Drive By Truckers cd yesterday (The Dirty South). So best. Already owning Decoration Day and Southern Rock Opera, my anticipation was met with much delight after the first listen. Can't wait to listen again.

You know how you always hear about kids with weird-ass names penned by their parents. And I'm not talking Apple or KoKo. For instance, one time I heard a story of a friend of a friend of a friend (you know how that goes) who's name was Oranjello...supposedly concocted from Cosby's favorite snack. (orange + Jello). Crazy. Anyway...today at my place of work (medical in origin), this woman brings her daughter in. Her name: Toshiba! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who would do that to their kid?! Way to be original mom. For the love. Now your kid is going to have a complex by the age of 13. I would be changing that shit, pronto.

And finally, for weeks I have had friends trying to convince me to jump on the deodorant body spray bandwagon. I finally caved in and purchased a can of the Old Spice "Red Zone" spray, because the AXE effect wasn't doing it for me (seriously...they all smelled bad to me). I must say...I am somewhat pleased...I wear scrubs all day, and this is the perfect solution to smelling fresh without me having to waste my slightly more expensive cologne (does Aquavelva count?).

Alright...I'm off to the ole Kroger, because I just received their flyer in the mail, and they have avacados 4 for $1. Eat that shit like apples. I apologize for the late buzz, but school and work kept me at bay all afternoon.

Until next time....