Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Get busy livin....or get busy dyin.

2006-11-05T18:30:00.000-08:00

"People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late."

2006-09-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

Do you like to draw, paint, sketch, or doodle?
Then take this enjoyable art test!

I was watching Monday Night Football tonight (go Saints!), and saw the Wrangler Jeans commercial for the millionth time....the one with Junior sporting those horrible fake Oakleys with "The Boys Are Back In Town" playing in the background. I mean, really....do you think Dale Junior would be caught dead in a pair of Wrangler "relaxed fit" jeans? The dude has a stripper pole in the basement of his house. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be picking up shit in your Wrangler "makes your ass look like an empty grocery sack" jeans. But check out these Dale Junior Jean Shorts available at your local Wal-Mart. Nothing says "Nice Nascar Life" like Dale Junior Jorts. Now hand me an ice-cold Schaefer.

Apparently you can't buy a Falcons #7 jersey with "Mexico" (ala the Michael Vick herps incident) as the last name on it in the NFL FAN SHOP anymore. I'm tempted to buy some iron on letters from Academy.

I love Tony Cornheiser on MNF because he's not afraid to, in a matter of words, tell Joe Theisman to shut the fuck up, or belittle him on camera. Theisman is the ultimate beating when it comes to football announcers.

And how about Ed Hochuli scoreboarding all of the other refs tonight by wearing the XXSmall underarmor-esque referee jersey? I love that guy. I'm pretty sure his biceps are bigger than my thighs. By the way...he's an attorney when he's not doing football. I would hate to see him badger the witness.

I just ate 5/8 of a large Coal Vines pizza. Best pizza in Dallas. Seriously. On my way to a FUPA, Parcells stizz.

KVIL Asswhip Song of the Day: "I can only imagine" by who gives a shit.

Back By Popular Demand

2006-07-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well...it's been a while. I know I said I would be better about posts...I really don't have an excuse...please don't break up with me. I heart you. With an arrow through it. Shot by cupid...who has a boner. Yesssssssssss.

I have recently picked up an item to aid in my blogging efforts...the Lenovo IBM Thinkpad. Best evs. I mean...blogging while watching The Hills = Bliss. Throw in the wireless router and you might never get me off of this beautiful mocha couch. Good thing I didn't opt for the clear plastic cover. Or maybe I should have......(wireless laptop....laying down on couch....bored...surfing internet....risque sites....mmmmmmmmmmm). Just don't ask me why I keep a towel under my sofa.

Speaking of The Hills...I'm not quite as addicted as I was to Laguna...but it still rings in as my number 1 spot for reality tv.

Things I miss from Laguna:

-Steeeepppphhhheeeeen and Kristin...their ever-so-twisted love triangle, and her tees.
-I miss Jessica's bounteous flapjacks.
-I miss hot Alex (blonde)
-I miss Lo
-I miss Laguna High. (tear)

Things I don't miss:
-Jason...I mean...really....LC...drop that sack of sticky douche and find someone else. That dude's beard is starting to make me itch. What a pussy. I think I heard they're still together. Wurst.
-The girl who was supposedly in beauty pagents...I think her name was Casey? Nice prom dress ~~beautiful~~ slut rag.
-Fat Alex.

They've basically replaced all of the hot girls with annoying, immature trustfund babies (Heidi), and countless chaches all recently moved to LA trying to "make it as an actor". Good luck...I hope you have a back-up plan. 1-800- BARTEND perhaps?

So I think I'm finally starting to recover from the Mavericks-Post-Gag-Playoff run. We've lost Marquis Daniels...which means I won't be getting second hand stoned from my 3rd deck seats anymore. KVH might be on his way out...not sure how I feel about it. I was a fan during the season...until he got hurt and started jacking up fruitless 3's without reservation. Shades of Antwoine Walker...and that shimmy. Brings back nightmares. Is just me or does he look like a scrawney George Forman with 13 year old girl saggy tits? Get a training bra under that jersey. Seriously. Hopefully Avery can whip them into shape and get them to "paaaassss the baaaawwwlll" more fluidly. (in my best Avery voice). And get Frankenstein (aka Cuban) behind the glass in a box on the upper level. I'm getting tired of seeing that aweful haircut/hightops/black jeans/leather mavericks bomber jacket. Mark...you're brilz but let's get it together.

I have eaten mexican food 5 out of the last 6 days. I always say I could eat mexican food (specifically Manny's Uptown...mmm...brisket tacos) every day for the rest of my life...but I think I might have overstepped my boundaries a bit. Let's just say my stomach and I aren't on the best of terms right now. I spent 45 minutes on the white seat last night with possibly the worst knotted up feeling in my stomach of my life....felt like Sonic the Hedgehog was cutting his patented razor flips all the way down from my duodenum to my large intestine...Sega stizz. I think it's nature's way of telling me I can't eat jalepenos anymore. Might have gone through half a box of wet wipes. I had to take stand up breaks like every 5 minutes to keep my lower half from going numb. Don't want to spawn a clot...you know?

There was a "suspiscious white powder" found in a letter sent to the NY times today. Here's a tip...it's coke....and I'd like it back. You'll find my return address in the upper left corner. Sorry...my hand got a little shaky when I wrote that.

It looks like Bruce Arena will be stepping down as the US soccer team's head coach. Maybe if you would have selected a single player over 5 foot 7, we could have been competitive. And someone call Tony Meola...that guy has to have a pair of goalie gloves lying around somewhere. Lets bring back that beautiful black pony tail for one more round of US soccer glory (sarcasm).

Pete Townshend announced he will be taking a break from 13 year old boys to re-unite with original Who band member Roger Daltry for a 16 date US tour later this year. I'm sure they'll bypass Texas altogether... but if not, look for this guy in the crowd jamming to Baba O'reilly and Eminence Front (Mavs Pre-Game Stizz). Huge.

"After yet another errant shot, Michelle Wie groaned and tugged her baseball hat down over her eyes. Nice try. There was no escaping the ugliness on her scorecard, though."

Classic. You might want to try winning on the LPGA tour before you even think about another PGA event. Maybe you'd have better luck on the Senior tour. And I'm pretty sure Lee Trevino would still kick your ass....Fighting Golf Stizz. (Circa 1988...pre Golden Tee...obvs). At least you have better boobs than Anika.

Wow...now that's irony. Please enjoy Coors Light responsibly, right Pete?

Justin...dude...musicians don't make good actors. Didn't you ever watch Glitter? Crossroads? Swept Away? Yeah...me either. Let's just stick to creating music that makes girls want to shake their good parts on the dance floor.

Okay, so one of my favorite bands of recent years has a new album out. You've seen them on Charlie Murphy's Hottness in the past. The band's name is The Long Winters. Their previous album, "When I Pretend To Fall" is one of my favorites of all time. That's a bold statement. Anyway...get that album, and then check out their new album "Putting The Days To Bed". Stream the new album here. So dripping.

I'm also buzzing on the new Thom Yorke album out...sans Radiohead, "The Eraser" which you can stream at http://www.radio-indie-pop.com/radio.php as the album of the month. Heard some negative buzz so far...mostly by mainstream reviewers....I give it a big thumbs up...but I've always thought he/they are brilliant. In the meantime, also check out the new Pearl Jam self titled cd, the new Snow Patrol "Eyes Open", and the new Phoenix album "It's Never Been Like That".

By the way...Zack Braff has a new movie coming out with a soundtrack that seams pretty tight. Problem is, ol Zack is a bit behind the times. Charlie Murphy approved artists featured on the new Braff "Last Kiss" soundtrack which have been featured on the Donkey Boner in the past 3 years include:

Snow Patrol
Athlete
Turin Brakes

The songs they picked for the soundtrack are pretty old...but good. Pretty good variety of good artists...a couple I don't really like. Anyway....just remember you heard some of them here first.

And with that I'm out to do a mountain of laundry. 4 loads. I'm on my last pair of underwear...which is like pair #6 or 7...unlike you girls out there who might own 36 different thongs...not including the granny panties. Ain't that right skunk stripe?

Don't change. Don't you ever change.

Charlie Murphy

I Am The Wizard of Ohh's and Ahh's and Fa-la-la's (no homo)

2005-07-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

I won't make any excuses for my lack of posting. Instead, I will dive right into it. (nhjic)

Two new favorite restaurants in The D. Fireside Pies & Manny's. Delicious food, Delicious drinks.

While at Manny's during a recent "men's dinner" who did we see? That's right, Keyshawn.Was he wearing a real tight suit? No, rather he was wearing a throw-back George Gervin jersey -- sans undershirt. Is there anything less appealing than trying to eat Mexican food and being stunk out by Keyshawn's nasty ass BO? No sir.

Like most summers, I have attempted to get back into golf. I was lucky enough to recently play at the esteemed The Cowboy's Club. Even though it sounds like a stripper joint, I assure you it isn't. Best course in Dallas. Respect.

This is called a segway. Speaking of The Cowboys, does anyone listen to ESPN 103.3 during GAC? For some reason I am totally attracted to the Little Ball Of Hate's voice (Jennifer Floyd Engel). I made the mistake of looking up her picture on the internet. Don't judge a book by it's cover? Try, don't judge hottness by the sound of a voice.

Chicks dig the long ball (no homo). Some might say I am considered a "heavy user" when it comes to watching baseball. Is it just me, or is anyone else ready to give up on the Rangers already? After watching 45+ games this season, I have realized that so long as Hicks is 'the boss' - we are never going to win. I guess I can start looking forward to the NHL season. Wait..

While on the subject of baseball. Has there ever been a more annoying commentator than Chris "the boomer" (homo) Berman. Christ almighty, I was watching the Home-Run Derby last week and I got sick of listening to "back back back back back back back" when any ball was hit. On top of that, how annoying was it that anytime someone went yard he would say "Hello (insert Michigan city here)". Seriously. Worst. Ever.

I have heard enough of Tom Cruise lately to last me a lifetime. Fucking Hell.

New Death Cab For Cutie song (via Stereogum).Tasty.

Why is it that every time I go to the workout facilities at The Villas, the WB is on the TV? Who the hell watches One Tree Hill when they are working out? Seriously, if that is you turning that on, please stop. Really. Please stop.

So I went to the cafeteria of this client that I am working on Today, and I bought a Diet Coke. This ~~chick~~ rotten whore at the cash register gives me a $.50 piece as change. I was so stunned I couldn't even say anything. Hey babe, next time why don't you just fire me a Susan B. Anthony.

Splitting a fifth of crown before going to the bars. Some might say a completely under-rated way to getting completely shitcanned.

Finally saw Kill Bill Vol 2 on Saturday. Quentin Tarantino is amazing. (nhjic)

Have I mentioned how much I love The Grooming Room? If you aren't going there yet, you should reconsider.

I was floored the other day at work when I received an email from a co-worker who seriously wrote me a 10 paragraph (completely unnecessary) email about how the latest Coldplay CD is the greatest CD since August and Everything After. Now, I like Coldplay just as much as the next guy, but can you seriously rank this CD that high this soon? The CD is alright, but lets not get carried away here.

Getting Saturn Rockets shot at you - some might say the worst way to spend the 4th of July. That being said, sometimes you just have to ride it out.

Let me just preface this paragraph with a huge no homo. I must admit, I love the show Laguna Beach. I pine for LO and Kristen. I might even buy the 1st season on DVD. On top of that, I look forward to Season 2. I know everyone who is going to call me a fag-bar has obvs never seen the show. Fuck off.

While Laguna Beach is a quality MTV show, The 70's House is seriously the worst show they have ever come up with.

I must confess. I have reverted back to my childhood and become obsessed with popsicles again. Nothing sobers you up after a long night at the bar faster than an Original Bomb Pop.

While some people get depressed when they do not take broads home from the bar (read: Pricecube), I get depressed when D'wayne from the Whataburger drive-thru does not take my order at 2:15am on Friday's or Saturday's.

Idle Rich Pub - home of the prudest sluts in Dallas.

Pineapple drenched in Tu-Ah-Cah (see: Brunson Pronunciation) - not a delectable dessert.

In hindsight, I probably should have gone to the wedding.

Done and Done.

-JM

Wait...(The Whisper Song)

2005-07-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

"You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt
Do it up slappin ass cuz the sex gets rough"
-Ying Yang Twins

Wow. And I thought "my neck, my back" was filthy. Regardless, there's nothing better than "The Whisper Song" to grind some fat girl late-nite at the Knox Street Pub. For Rilz. Thank you Ying Yang Twins for almost getting me into a situation I would most undoubtedly regret the next morning. Take a look at the rest of these lyrics by the way. No doubt somewhere in heaven Billy Shakespear is shedding a tear.

Speaking of bars, I'm over the Idle Rich Pub for a while. I would be completely done if it weren't for Donna taking care of us. Otherwise we'd be waiting in line for over an hour to get drinks like the rest of them. Last night I must have waited for honestly 20 minutes at the front bar while some frat-tastic choach behind the bar made sure to serve every girl first as if that would help him and his American Eagle hat get laid. Enjoy this quarter tip, fuckrag. You're lucky I don't like to carry change.

The only thing spreading faster across America than Ron Mexico's herpes is The Asshole Dance, a la Jamison Merril. Simply stand as erect as possible, place both hands on hips in a perfect triangle, and sway your hips side to side in as gay of a manner as possible. It's the perfect dance for any song. Hip-hop...go at a medium pace. Techno....speed it up a bit. Country, imagine a willow tree flowing in the breeze. Now you've got it!!! Try it tonight!

Boardshorts are the new boxers. Just ask Scotty Dubs.

I had a Pottery Barn Gay Out last week. Among Items purchased was a Duvet Cover (cringe) for my new down comforter, pillows for my couch, and end table, and a magazine basket. Still trying to bend my wrists upwards...this one might take a while.

So I work for a dentist in downtown Dallas while I'm applying to dental school. Biggest downfall of working in a medical office....soft rock. KVIL is the station of choice in our office. So, in it's honor, I'll keep a running tally of the best and worst songs recently heard on your favorite station for the 70's, 80's and 90's.
Best Song of this Week: London Beat "I've Been Thinkin' About You"
Wurst Song of this Week: Pat Benetar "Harden My Heart".
I'd rather hear someone rubbing the shit out of styrofoam.

Have you ever accidentally wiped your ass with your dress shirt thinking the toilet paper was on top? Oh yeah....me either. But I do know someone who recently managed to diarrhea on his back. The sheer logistics seem mind boggling...but I have been assured its true. "My upper lip was sweating."

I realized it's been ages since I've last posted, but please cut me some slack. It's almost impossible to find time while working full time and taking Human Gross Anatomy and Physiology in summer school. You can bet that when my school ends on August 1st, we'll return to regular postings to keep your palate 0h-so-whet while you slave away at work.

The Rangers were off to a terriffic start this season...and then the inevitable caught up with them. You can't continue to win on a patch-work pitching staff. Hey Tom Hicks, how about investing some money in a set-up man or two. We've got the bats, now get a bullpen. And I don't mean Brian Shouse or John Wasdin. Thank the Lord we ran Ryan Drese and Pedro Astacio out of town. Worst evs.

I love Whataburger, as do the rest of us. But sometimes you have a night when you're too blotto'd to drive, and the only rides available are with girls who are watching their figure (unless you luck out and she's bulemic). Well, my friend, there is now a backup plan available in your grocer's freezer. A sort of "break glass in case of emergency" if you will. The Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuit sandwich. Unbelievably close to the coveted Whataburger equivalent. They come in boxes of 6. I wouldn't recommend eating 3 in one sitting like I did. Throw these bad boys in the oven, not the microwave, for best results.

This dude jumped his skateboard over the Great Wall of China. I used to be able to Ollie like at least 4 inches. On my Variflex. Never bought the Vision Street Wear gear though. Mom wouldn't go for that. Instead I skated tough in my O.p. and Morrey Boogey. Jams.

Lots going on in the world of music these days. In case you had your head up your ass, Pink Floyd reunited with the original band members last weekend at Live 8. It was an unbelievable concert/event/fundraiser....but come on. Pink fucking Floyd with Roger Waters. The dude's voice is still great and solo's haven't skipped a beat. I had goosebumps for the solid 20 minutes or so until MTVurst CUT TO A COMMERCIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF COMFORTABLY NUMB. Seriously...what a crime. You have to show them in their entirety. What a bunch of morons running that station. Anyway....check out this link...this guy has every performance of every city during the whole event. Pretty good resource. Some great performances. How about Richard Ashcroft coming out with Coldplay to sing "Bittersweet Symphony" Pretty tight.

ACL is almost upon us. I just bought my ticket last month for a wallet burning $125. Huge lineup this year though...totally worth it. So many good shows. I can almost smell the weed and hippie B.O.

Catch me Saturday the 16th at the Galactic Concert @ the Gypsy Tea Room. Should be a badass show. Also catch the North Mississippi Allstars at the same place on the 24th. Possibly David Garza on the 28th.

What I've been listening to:
Beck Guero
Ben Folds Songs for Silverman
White Stripes Follow Me Satan Gorillaz Demon Days

Coolest nickname ever: Styles (a la Teen Wolf)
I'll go ahead and put that one out there for adoption.

And with that I'm off to eat a nice meal of food. More to come soon. I promise.

Don't Change.

"I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

2005-04-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

"Mexicans love The Dallas Cowboys, Bud Light, and Looney Tunes...especially the Tazmanian Devil" -The Gabe

Well...I attended my first death metal concert over the weekend. The Dubs and I braved the Slipknot concert on Saturday night. Much to my surprise...it was not as miserable of an experience as I had thought. Not so much because of the music...we'll get into that in a second. I got more laughs out of those four hours than any re-run of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge as of late. Let's start with the obvious...Mullets were in full force. Conventional mullets, mexi-mullets, skullets, terribly dyed red and black mullets. It was a collection of bad coifs that hair queen Kyan from Queer Eye would have jacked off to all week. And I've never seen so many pairs of JNCO's in my life. I almost felt bad for some of these guys...wearing black lipstick and too much eyeshadow. It makes you wonder where along these kids' lives did it all go wrong? I'm sure it stems from too much late night sneaky uncle as a child, or possibly overbearing parents. Regardless...it provided for hours of viewing pleasure. The opening band was called Lamb of God. A collection of the most embarrassingly terrible music I've ever heard in my life. I mean, I could easily put on a black t-shirt, write some lyrics about how I hate life, and mumble unrecognizable lyrics into a microphone and sound way better than these ass-clowns. Slipknot was a more visually appealing show. They seem to have a bit more talent than anyone else I've heard of that genre (which is a stricktly limited list). They're still no Pantera.

On the other hand, I have been able to catch a few quality shows over the past couple of weeks. Ambulance LTD played at Trees a couple of weeks back. Great show...although I have no idea why they were opening for The French Kicks and not the other way around. Ambulance is a much better band. French kicks were pretty bush league in my opinion...but maybe they were just having a bad night. The next week I caught Dogs Die in Hot Cars opening for Phoenix. Both being on my top 10 list of bands for the past year...felt quite lucky that they decided to swing through Dallas (a la South by Southwest). Fucking great show by two brilliant bands. If you've never checked them out, I highly recommend both bands. And just last week, caught The Decemberists at Trees. Another great show. I may or may not have fallen in love with the hot violin player. So hot. And when she sang lead on this one song she wrote, I was mesmerized. Download/Buy/Itune all three bands to get a leg up on some of these cutting edge indie acts.

I saw Woody Allen's "Melinda and Melinda" last night. Great movie (and great performance by Will Ferrell). I thoroughly enjoyed it...best movie I've seen since Sideways. But don't forget to bring your 9 mil or a rape whistle to the movie if you're in Dallas, because the only theater currently showing it in the city is the off Haskell and 75. Definitely not Tinseltown.
Lowes City Place

Word on the street is Michael Vick has got the HERPS. MMMMMmmmNasty. According to the 26 year old accuser Sonia Elliot, he used the so-dirty-yet-so-titties alias "Ron Mexico" when getting tested for the Simplex Deux. I think I might adopt that one. The name, not the herps.

Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning author of one of my favorite books "Henderson the Rain King" passed away this week. What's the deal with all of these famous people dying lately?

I've been spending some quality time with my "on again, off again" friend Levi Garrett. You might know him. If you don't, allow me to introduce you sometime. He's been most recently spotted hanging out at some high profile Dallas Socialite hotspots such as The Old Monk. A true friend who will never do you wrong, Levi knows how to pick you up when you most need it.

The Lakers are out of the playoff race, and I couldn't be happier. Unlike marriage, Kobe can't buy his way out of this one. Let's hope Phil Jackson doesn't head back to LA next year. He would be crazy not to coach Baby MJ with the Cavs.

I like you

In today's white trash news, Britney and her herpe of a husband -Federwurst- are set to star in a new WB reality show together, Newlyweds stizz. Says Britney, "I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened rather than all the stories, which have been misconstrued by journalists in the past." So...you're saying that little FUPA action is not a baby but the product of a cheetoh/redbull overindulgence?

Whataburger: Best Breakfast Food Evs. But look out...The Burger King is trying to steal Charlie Murphy's ~~heart~~4 stomachs away with this mouth-watering donkey sized breakfast hoagie. It's a good thing BK isn't open late-night, or else I might be investing in my very own AED. Kudos to the funny yet creepy advertising campaign though.

Looks like I've got my weekend already planned out, and it involves beer, a television, and dimpled balls. Not your dad's scrotum, Skunkstripe. I'm referring only to the greatest sporting event known to gentlemen around the nation. The Masters. Let's hope for an exciting last round finish on par with the Tiger/~~Bitchtits~~Phil battle at Doral this year. Schmears.

I'll leave you with this Mitch Hedberg quote to get you through the day...

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."

Rest In Peace

2005-04-01T05:11:00.000-08:00

You will be missed.

Two Burritos and a Stool Softener...

2005-02-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

...a recipe for true love...just ask Scotty Dubs. Just so long as it doesn't mess up his JNCO Chinos. So Best.

Mardi Gras...Dallas Stizz. Charlie Murphy, Craaaaiiiiiiig, DJ Ketter, The Goldapp, GoogleCV, Spaghetti, Booty Lee Fonzworth, and others ended the pub crawl (Hurricane's, followed by The Dubliner, followed by Stan's Blue Note) last night at the Lakewood Bar & Grille for some late-night karaoke. The star studded list of performers included, but were not limited to, Carlton (as pictured with Tito Jackson's hair, singing "Return of the Mac"...complete with lyrics) Rick Moranis sporting the "Men's Warehouse Special" suit (via ketter), an 80 year old lady singing Daddy was a Coal Miner (she brought her own cd), Bob singing his best Bobby Darin, and some dude named Vance singing Tool's "Schism"...which by the way is the worst possible choice for karaoke in a crowded bar EVS...followed by an inappropriate Jesus joke...totally killed the mood...for about 5 seconds.

I almost freaking blew a gasket today when I found out I was only getting half the Income Tax ~~Rape~~ Refund I was expecting. Seriously...I guess I won't be buying that sweet Huffy Sledgehammer after all.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
-Albert Einstein

"I have a left mammary"
-Charlie Murphy with left breast pocket inside out, post Maredsous Massacre

Well aparently Corey Feldman (of Stand By Me and The Surreal Life fame) was coming up on the losing end of a few games of Late Night Sneaky Uncle with his overgrown pal Michael Jackson. Based upon past experiences, he has recently come to a "sickening realization" about his childhood relationship with the crotch grabber. He must have succumbed to the Boone's Party Coke like the rest of the kids.

You know how beer manufacturers (specifically imports) each have their own special little glass with ensignia adorned on the front (many of which comprise C-Murph's own drinking glass collection). Hoegaarden with the large, thick glass. Grolsch - slightly taller and skinny. Guiness...skinny at the bottom with a bulbous top. I'm going to write a letter to the brewer's of one of my favorite bevy's, ~~jet-fuel~~Maredsous, to reconsider the almost wine goblet styled "Cup of Christ" glass with gold trim they distribute to bars for serving. I feel like such a choach drinking from that rediculously viking-esque chalice. What ever happened to the simple pint glass? Get over yourselves.

Speaking of, the last time I spent an evening on the Maredsous I woke up with my shirt on inside out and backwards...4 hours after making/eating a scrambled egg sandwich which was not nearly as satisfying as a Whataburger tacquito. I don't know what it is about that place...but I'll be damned if I can't make a fucking tacquito taste like theirs. And I even tried extra butter last time.

According to Us Weekly, Lindsey Lohan has been spending some quality time with Johnny Knoxville while they're both in New Orleans shooting their respective movies. I mean...Knoxville is tight and all...but dating material? Aren't you the little rebel. Keep up the good work and write me as soon as you make it into the Tara Reid Club.

And in the best bit if entertainment news I've heard all week, the Desperate Housewives Season 1 dvd will include all of the racy bits which didn't make it past the editing room at ABC. So Hott.

Best Super Bowl commercial this year. My favorite: Mama's Boy. "Breast fed until the age of 7." Classic.

I'm giving up fried food for lent. If you run into me on the street and I'm cranky, you'll know why.

Happy Thursday.

Tomorrow is Friday.

Tacquitos don't count as fried food. Yesssssssssssssss!

Don't Change.

Slightly Used Jetski

2005-02-03T19:17:00.000-08:00

Your popsicle is melting.

Well hello long lost friends. No need to refresh - your eyes are not deceiving you. The Jagermonster is back - but before I get to far into this, I must make a earth-shattering confession. Everybody knows the Jagermonster used to get deep in the sauce many a times a week (duhvs, skunkstripe!). Well let me just tell you I have contained myself since 1/1/2k5. That's right peop's (no not peabs), the Jagermonster has given up Jager. You heard me right. I have been sans Jager for for 34 days - and let me tell you, it was the best thing for me to do. I have testamonials. For rilz.

Before you start bleeding out of your ears, I will be changing my pen name, twain stizz. For the interim, let's stick to The Blogga Formerly Known As The Jagermonster - or just The Blogga Formerly Known As.

So I appologize for the lack of posts on my behalf. I have been in the midst of saving the world from corporate fraud, Enron stizz. "Busy Season" really is 'busy season' - go figs.

So I got my year-end Amex summary today (who am I, Laird Hamilton?) and I realized that I had a great semester before I graduated. In fact -- I had a great 2004, or at least according to my summary. Upon conferring with CMurph, I was informed that I could have bought a Gatewurst Plasma or even better, a 2000 used Sea-doo. Next time I am enjoying a brew, I will try to think of the good times I could be having, on my 2nd hand jetski. I am up for BLACK this year - bobvs.

Eff'in fired up about this weekend. Lots going on. Shit to do. Places to be seen. Tee's to be Bobvs'd upon. The Blogga Formerly Known and coherts will be throwing it down with Bobby Schneid's on Saturday night. So eff'in best. Haven't seem him since Margarita Cocks, but you can bet your ass I will be putting a napkin, accompained with a 2 dolla bill, up on stage requesting "King of The Wiz" - best song evs.

Speaking of music -- I have been ituning my ass off these days. I got my hands on (thanks to Tommy B) the unreleased Beck cd. I know what you are saying - you are a loser baby - but this cd is so tits. If you get a 'bootleg' copy, jump on it. How can you not like a cd that has sound bytes from old school 8-bit Metroid on it! Beat the mother brain!

Taking a T.O. on TO. Is anyone else tired of Terrell Owens. I am tired of hearing about how he 'might' be ready on Sunday. I guarentee you that acehole will be playing in Da Bowl. If I were a Pat, I would be thinking "grill to motha eff'ing ankle". I would not shed a tear if TO has a career ending injury on Sunday. Dude is a total boner.

Idiot, Gosh. Richard Crotch, how about instead of boning dudes in the corn, you pay your taxes. My thoughts - he probably wants to go to jail, free shower sex on a daily basis, not to mention countless trachea-banging sessions. I don't even want to think about that balloon knot.

Blue Balls - wurst evs. Azure Balls, doesn't sound as bad does it. Well how about Azure Tits. The hottest thing to hit The D since Debbie. Azure!

Friends of mine know I like Hoe's. That's no secret. But -- did you know I have a Hoe Gaarden? LEMONADE, beyotch.

See the vegetable man
In the vegetable van
With a horn that's honking
Like a mariachi band
In the middle of the street
People gather around
Put the dollar-dollar-dollar in the can
Hey wait, que onda?
TJ cowboys hang around
Sleeping in the sidewalk
With a Burger King crown
Never wake 'em up
Mas cerveza
Til the rooster crows
Vatos de gallos

Que' onda guero?

-The Blogga Formerly Known As.....

It's all about the "O"

2005-02-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or does that girl on the Overstock.com commercial get your cobblers in a tizz? I mean...the all white tennis outfit with her hair in pig-tails? Or how about when she says, "I promise....99% of the time" with the little toss of the hair and the Iwanttoeffyourbrainsout eyes? Even though the auction site doesn't stand a snowball's chance vs. ebay, aces to the men who hired that marketing team.

And while we're on commercials...I'd rather sit on a porcupine than watch another Jamster Cell Phone Ring-tones commercial. Do they really think people want a ring-tone with a shitty imitation of "I like big butts" on their phone? Much less pay 5 bones for it? And I think instead of "I like big butts" it says "I like ring tones and I cannot lie". And then there's the one with the blue rhino rapping, and some yellow bird singing. If I ever see you answer your phone to one of those shitty ass ring tones on the street, your cell phone is finished.

Campisi's in Dallas has been serving up some of the area's best pizzas for years. But I don't know that I've ever seen a Campisi's pie that looked quite this good. (NSFW) Wow.

Four employees of a Michigan based health care company have been fired for refusing to take a test to determine whether they smoke cigarettes. Apparently you will be made redundant if you are caught blazing some chalkies "even if the smoking happens after business hours or at home." Surely this is illegal. I can understand banning cigarettes in the workplace...but testing for cigarette smoking? Better start letting your roommate wring his sock out in your stadium pal and wear that shit at work. NO BUZZ.

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the man who pissed his way out of an avalanche last week. So tits. Next time I hit the double blacks I'll be sure to carry a pony keg in my pack.

I know you are bored at work, so watch this dude beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in eleven minutes. Un-Fucking-Believable. Brings back memories. *tear*

Top 10 signs you weren't the most popular guy at your high school....by Napoleon Dynamite. So Best. "Everyone's jealous of your teatherball skills"

If you live in Dallas, you might remember Mark Mathis...he was a weatherman for the Fox affiliate here for a short time. Anyway...the dude was fired for being an alkie and always goofing off on camera. And by goofing off I mean rapping. Weather rapping. Painful. Take a look. This is a compilation of his best work from past gigs.

I'm getting my Jeep worked on today. Let's hope the son of a bitch doesn't cost more in repairs than the blue book value. (I'll keep you updated)

I'm out. Don't change.

Geez

2005-01-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry friends. The Murph took a longer than anticipated hiatus (thanks to rediculous internet prices and a transition pay period). I won't even waste any more precious time on apologies. Let's get dirty.

I don't think I'll even begin to re-cap anything prior to this past week. The only thing really worth bragging about was my birthday (NATCH)...started off with seven shots of the Jag in 20 mins...obvs. Got a little bit sideways...though lung butter was contained.

Speaking of Sideways...eff the Academy for not nominating Paul Giamatti or Jim Carrey for Oscars this year in their respective roles. Absolutely redonkulous. At least Michael Shrek Moore didn't get a Best Picture nod for his shitty-ass documentary.

Oh yeah...somehow along the way I picked up a Master's Degree. I've seen enough 30 page papers to last me a lifetime. Hopefully.

I am finally back in Dallas. This means I can now:

1. Watch the Mavs/Rangers/Stars(well...maybe next year) instead of the fucking Rockets/Astros
2. Look at girls and not feel like a petter-ass
3. See live music other than ~~country~~ ~~Texas country~~ ~~rockabilly~~ audio diarrhea
4. See independent films
5. Consume Slurpees (7/11) and Taco Bueno.
6. Pay 5 dollars for a bottled beer. Domestic. So worst.

Golf tip of the week: Carry your buddy Levi Garrett in your back pocket. He soothes your last nerve like an oriental masseuse (happy ending included) when the 30 mph north wind queefs your ball into the east fork of the Trinity River. Double-Pull of golf-ball sized chaw on the back nine = marvelous.

Second Golf tip of the week: Never buy a wind-breaker with the Tennison Municipal Golf Course logo on it. Seriously Virant.

Went to the Keane concert last night with DJ Mike and Craaaaaiiiiiiiig. The first two bands were real tight. First opener: The Red Walls. 4 kids from Chicago who, let's be honest, have already lived out my lifelong fantasy at age 19. They can't even legally drink and they're touring the country with one of the biggest bands of the year. I would join them...but i just don't look that cool in a skinny tie and thrift store leather jacket. I'll just be a dentist instead. Second band...The Zutons...pretty tight. Much harder...loud, clean guitars, raw energy, and the hottest female saxaphone player evs. Totally thought about stalking the tour bus after the show. But then I got hungry for a taquito and immediately departed for Whataburger. Keane delivered a good performance if you're into them...but I'm not really sure that I am. It was the first time I have heard any of their music except for that song they play on MTV2. It was okay...I just have a hard time listening to a band with no guitar. Nevertheless...a good performance if you are into their shit. Hero of the night...definitely The Red Walls. Very impressive.

The good thing about not having internet for a couple of months (besides saving up on lotion)is that you aren't constantly checking your screen for IMs/emails. Maybe it's just me...but I sometimes feel like a slave to the computer. It was a nice break...alas...put the handcuffs back on.

The prestigious "Worst Actress of the Year" award is being closely followed by Charlie Murphy. Jennifer Lopez (Jersey Girl), Britney Spears (Farenheit 9/11), Halle Berry (Catwoman), Hilary Duff (A Cinderella Story/ Raise Your Voice), and The Wayans Bros. (White Chicks) are running neck and neck for what some are calling the closest race since Shawn Crawford raced Leonard the Giraffe and Zack the Zebra in Fox's Man vs. Beast. So classic.

"I'm tryin to get in yer ass wit out spendin my cheddah" (audio...be careful at work)

By the way...this was a real video game.

And with that I'm out.

The Boner is back.

Don't Change.

Distended belly

2004-12-01T05:35:00.000-08:00

Worst way to start the day evs? An emergency restroom brake (deuce stizz) at New Orleans MSY airport 5 minutes pre-board. Rather than suffering uninterrupted mysterious stomach noises for the duration of the flight, a game-time decision was made. Unfortch for me, all three stalls were taken by what appeared to be a reunion tour of 80's rap group The Fat Boys. Seriously...I could feel my palms starting to sweat in quasi-panic mode. Make no mistake though...porcelain was painted. After an awkward moment involving some improper rigging of my triple stacked toilet seat sanitary paper rings, The Murph was on his way. Lesson learned: never open-throat a travel sized mug of coffee en route to the nastiest airport on earth. schmears.

I definitely weighed in at a good 4 lbs heavier at work this morning. I won't even go through last week's menu. Let's just say meals mainly consisted of meats, starches, sugars, and pork fat. I gorged on items most of you have never even heard of, much less tasted...Boudin and Cracklins being the top 2 favs (see below). Who else do you know makes a breakfast out of pork/rice sausage and straight up fried pork fat? Cajun Cooking = BEST EVS. By the way, is my family the only one who had 2 turkeys this holiday? One deep fried, one oven baked. Been a while since I've seen that much breast. ZING!

Celeb Trend of 2004: Ruining your kid's life with a shitty name. Most recent addition...Julia Roberts who named her twins Hazel and PHINNAEUS??? WTF? Seriously...get over yourself and give your kid a normal name. Real creative Julia. Give me an effing break.

Brett Michaels' $3,000 guitar, which was recently stolen, has been anonymously returned. No word yet, though, on the hair which has been missing from the top of his head for some time now. We'll keep you updated.

Congratulations, Dr. Pepper...you've just won Charlie Murphy's award for the most rediculous title ever fit onto a coke can: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Don't even think about caffeine free.

Looks like Tom Hanks will extend his streak of bad movie selections by taking lead role in The Da Vinci Code. I smell an overcommercialized, over hyped, mediocre film devoid of buzz.

Sideways by Rex Pickett. Great Book. Fast Read. Finished the last half over a bottle of Red. Highly recommended. Highly anticipating the movie. See sidebar for details.

And with that...I'm off to dig in someone's mouth.

Don't change.

You're Done, Dude.

2004-11-25T06:02:00.000-08:00

I'm am blogging while basking on the balmy beach (alliteration beyyyotch, Hendrick Middle School Stizz) of South Carolina's finest - Kiawah Island. So best.

Plane ride on Tuesday morning? WURST evs. Remind me never to fly Delta again. Small ass plane. Hungover (obvs). Seated next to a 4 year old who insisted on climbing in my lap the entire time. To combat this, I simply blew my stale, alcohol rich breath in his face the entire trip. Don't eff with the Jagermonster.

DonkeyBoner Exclusive! Looking for some Dallas Mavericks Skanks? Apparently Primo's on Mckinney is the place to go after a loss. Myself, G.A.B.E., and Ed witness 10-12 Dallas Mavericks dancers (i.e. sluuuts) walk into Primo's on Monday night after the game. We were also surprised when Devin Harris, the Mavericks rookie PG, walked in later. Isn't that guy like 19 years old? Don't worry he was drinking a strawberry 'rita.

'Tis true these things the Charlie "I'm not a weekend Blogger" Murphy has said. I did in fact invest in the Jager Tap - and let me tell you. It's the tits. Feel free to stop by and indulge in the 5 degree Jager. mmmmm.

Speaking of the tits - I have heard the best way to obtain bitch tits is from eating several Hardee's 'Monster Thickburgers'. How is this for a late night after the bar - 1420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 2 1/3 lb patties, all on a BUTTERED BUN. BeeTeeDubs, they do have a Hardee's in South Carolina and you can bet your ass I will be documenting the adventure via the Mavica.

Good News! Matty V has earned the esteemed honor of being this year's sexiest/most bobvs man! Congrats.

Speaking of The Venus, apparently wearing Diesel Jeans, an Express shirt, and a Thomas Pink tie will earn you the title of 'Uptown Jamie' - according to M.V. Dubya - Tee - Eff.

Better late than never. Yes, that's right. My Goddess - Lindsay Lohan has dumped Wildurst's ass. Do you really think it is just a coincidence that both Lohan and myself have become suddenly single in the past 30 days? Destiny I tell you. SupaBobvs.

Michael Cheney - you might be interested in this. Schmears.

I have decided that there is just to much julliard going on in Dallas this past week.

While some of my friends have become obsessed with The Facebook, I am not that impressed. What's all the hype? Am I the only one that thinks it is crap?

MckOlympics is the new Northgate Olympics and coffee cups full of Jager is the new Saki Bomb. Stay tuned - 12/3/2004, natch.

You know how much the Jagermonster likes to pimp products. And contrary to popular folklore, the Jagermonster does not have purrfect skin. I must use facial wash products or else I look like a 14 year old at Sadie Hawkins Dance. Best new facial wash - It's so Icey.

Huge ups to Harshaw & E to tha A for making the trip to The Dallas (I love The Dallas) for a hellava weekend. It was epic friends. Jager Bombs, Mambo Taxis, and of course walking 2 miles home at 2:15 in the am. Classic fools.

Do you want to share an earbud?

"MJ's my boy!!!"

Happy Thanksgiving from The DB - and remember, I get the drumstick. Gobble Gobble.

JM

Put that shit on some waffles!

2004-11-22T05:44:00.000-08:00

That's right kids. My partner, the Jagermonster, has wisely invested in a Jagermeister Tap!!! Are you effing kidding me? Ice-Cold labial bliss. So good when it hits your lips...so good! Bottle count (7 days old mind you) = 7. I can smell the black-liquorice vahmit now.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a picture of the most rediculous invention evs - The Arm Pillow. Those crazy asians have one-upped themselves by coming up with something a bit more scandalous...the Girlfriend's Lap Pillow. I mean...come on. The thing has a skirt. Don't you think that's just a little creepy? The palms of every petter-ass across the nation are getting sweaty in anticipation. Dude...that's fucking weird.

Children at a Southlake, Texas elementary school received an early lesson in sex ed when an American Government informational video was switched with a porn tape and shown during an assembly. Reminds me of the time in 5th grade after the "Changes" sex ed tape when Shawn Burns asked the school nurse what a blow job was. Classic.

PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) = most worthless organization EVS. Fish don't have feelings. And even if they did, I wouldn't stop eating them because Mrs. Paul is a nice lady and I love her fish sticks. Those fuck-o's need to get a clue and join the rest of us in the real world.

Have your local radio stations started playing Christmas music yet? Dallas already has 2 stations playing all Christmas, all the time. Don't get me wrong...I'm a sucker for "Holly Jolly Christmas" (right Stinie?)...but I can forsee a huge burnout come week 3. Isn't there a strict "No Christmas Until After Thanksgiving" policy?

Speaking of douche-bags, ~~Michael Moore~~ Fat Bastard is planning on making a follow up shockumentary to Farenheight 911. I mean...is there really any new material for you to cover, or are you just going to film like 20 sob stories like that woman from Flint, MI? What's with the personal vendetta against the Bush family? Seriously man...give it a rest. Everyone knows you're a fraud. You are not helping anyone out by exploiting these poor families for the benefit of your pockets. When you join the military, you know what you are getting into. These noble men and women sign an oath to serve and protect our country...knowing death is a risk. Ill defer to my man Vitamin P Didler... "I do have a little military background (west point 1998). When you enter into the military you take an oath. By taking this oath, you know what you are giving up as a civilian to enter a life in the armed forces. These soldiers know that by becoming a soldier, marine, seaman, guard, or pilot that they may one day be required to put their life on the lines, for the liberties we enjoy. To say Bush is sending them to their death is wrong. These men and women know what is expected when they raise their right hand." Well put. Do us a favor, Bitch-Tits, and clean the Big Mac secret sauce out of your moostache.

I'm hoping everyone saw the fight that broke out between the Pacers and the Pistons Friday night.
So effing best. Ben Wallace...holy shit. I never want to cross paths with that fist. I can't believe how out of control the fans got. Ron Artest's cleft palate getting fucked up by Detroit Fans = Marvelous. Now you can take the rest of the season off to promote your rap album, jackass. Hands down my most hated player in the NBA. Beer flying everywhere...so classic. How embarrassing for the Pacers...Saturday night's match looked like a pick up game at the local YMCA. I must say I watched Sportscenter with a huge grin on my face. Eff the Thuggish Ruggish Bone Pacers. Fobvs.

Northgate Friday night...Greg and I were bovsing all over those Plus-Sized Model Tees!!! NATCH.

Whataburger at 4am...good idea. Eating your taquito in my jeep while wasted...bad idea. Leaf spring suspension + drunk picante sauce pouring = red jeans...leaky tampon stizz.

Are you still hiding under the deck at Darcey's lake house?

30 days till Charlie Murphy relocates to the socialite capital of Texas, Uptown Stizz! Get your umbrellas and Jager bottles ready. Schmears.

Don't Change.

Flaaava Flaaaaaaave!

2004-11-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

Big weekend coming up. The Murph has an interview at Baylor College of Dentistry all day Friday. Is it ironic to say I hope to be studying for 4 more years of my life?

Next on the list is finding a place to hang my hat for the next 6 months. Uptown and Knox Henderson area....so best.

Okay...so I have some decent stories to unravel from the past week. Start it off with last Thursday. Greeeeeeeeg calls me early afternoon and demands my presence at his house...huge night lined up. Guest of honor? M.J. from Music Tele-Vurst's The Real World. Apparently the guy is giving a speech on diversity at the university's Diversity Symposium that night. Greg's roommates are both involved in student government, and attend the event, natch. We convince them to invite The Curly out with us for the night. Phone calls are made. 10 minutes later, the dude is chilling with Me, Greg, Jack, and Woei in their living room. We are in the middle of The Big Lebowski...drinking caucasians (obvs). He joins in, we go through a whole bottle of vodkie, fake kalua, and creamer. Proceed to the Keystone. Feeling good...we head to Northgate. Geez. 5 minutes after we get a chugger at New York Subs, people start recognizing him. Mobbing ensues. Schmears...huge crowd follows us around for the rest of the night. Perks of being an overnight celebrity: Free drinks (and by drinks I mean at least 6 shots of Jager), no covers, women using you to get to him. After a while...the crowd gets old. Some people are rude. Some people are annoying as hell. I kind of feel bad for the guy. Huge mob everywhere you go. On the road every week. Living out of a suitcase. But let's be honest...the pros outweight any cons. The guy is basically getting paid to travel around the country and speak at these types of events. All expenses included. He said he has events booked up for a solid two years right now. On top of that he does endorsements. For example...he's getting paid next month to promote the new Sony Walkman. I won't disclose figures...but it's a good 5 figure sum to promote a product for 1 effing month. Note to self: start preparing Real World application video for next year.

Something legendary happened to me later on that night en route to Whataburger. I am driving my Jeep, Greg is shotgun, Woei in back seat. Before we can even make it to the stop sign at the end of Greg's street....Greg farts. Not just a regular fart. I have never smelled something so putrid in my entire life. So enveloping, in fact, I have to open my car door and vomit. 3 times. Have you ever heard of such a thing? You can't make that shit up, folks.

Ring Dunking last Saturday night. The 'Raig Brothers (Craig and Greg) both dunked their rings in 15 seconds. And I feel like a pussy at a good minute and 15 seconds. Seriously...I can't chug for shit.

Some TV stations across the nation are refusing to air "Saving Private Ryan", citing violence and profanity as reasons for the block. Stations are reluctant to show is since the FCC has taken such a strong stance since the Janet Jackson incident. I mean...seriously. This movie is not that bad. I remember watching Platoon air as a kid, which is just as violent. What is this world coming to when you can't watch a television edited version of Saving Private Ryan because stations are fearful of getting fined.

Did anyone see Jennifer Tilly on Leno last night? Geez...effing wasted. Someone needs to moderate the shot bar in the green room. Nice boobs though.

BEST NEWS EVS! Paul Reubens is in the process of making 2 new movies, one of which will be a new Pee-Wee Herman Movie. Speaking of...I never realized until recently that Cowboy Curtis was played by Lawrence Fishburn! Weird.

Can you tell which one is the real Britney? And for an interesting story...read this

Alright bitches. That's enough PHC for one sitting. Wipe your mouth off and chase that shit with some water.

WORD.

Donkeyboner lives

2004-11-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

Back to the ole blogging board. Schmears. It's been a harrowing past few weeks, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Or is that just my glow worm?

Today is election day...and I've decided to keep the tele off all day, and wake up in the morning with a surprise. Honestly...at this point...I'm tired of the bullshit commercials, fake stories, uberliberal media, etc. I need a break. So what did I rent to pass the time tonight? The Passion of Christ. Yep. Haven't seen it. Haven't been to church in a while. Jesus is my homeboy. Seriously.

Today is November 2, which means I have exactly 39 days left in ~~prison~~ College Station. And after losing the Battle of the Brazos this past weekend, I'm not too sure it can come any sooner.

This morning my partner at work couldn't wait to show me her new tattoo of some flowers (looked like hibiscus) on her outer calf. She proceeded to tell me that she won a gift certificate to a tattoo parlor last weekend at the local demolition derby contest. Which only further proves my point that fat, white, female hicks love tattoos. It's her 4th one. The one on her back used to be a lizard...but she grew a bit...and now it looks as if it were done by Picasso. Seriously...tattoo's = worst idea evs.

One of the most uncomfortable moments shared between two men: getting fitted for a suit. Don't they have a machine that can do that shit yet?

Well...apparently ol' Ben Affleck needs someone to pin his recent series of unfortunate events on. Lord knows any man in his right mind would never make such terrible decisions in his own right. I don't even know how Kevin Smith stuck with this guy for so long in the first place. Hey Ben...do us all a favor and take you and your hair plugs out of Hollywood for life.

Supposedly Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrel are in talks with producer Michael Mann to shoot a new Miami Vice movie. Speed boats, pink shirts, white shoes, Flock of Seagulls...so titties.

Jeffery Jones, the actor who played Mr. Rooney on Ferris Bueller's Day Off, will be doing some time for playing too much late-night-sneaky-uncle with a teenage boy. Made the dude dress up as a cowboy, sailor, indian (insert random village people garb here), and took pics of the kid touching himself. What a creep. Lock the dude up in Chino. "8 year olds, dude. 8 year olds."

Lucian Freud, grandson of Sigmund Freud, has painted a nude portrait of a pregnant Kate Moss. The auction is anticipated to bring in over 3 million dollars. See painting below.

And with that I'm off to go pick up my suit from the tailor. No funny business this time, I hope.

Look Sharp - Live Smart

2004-11-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

Helllllo Loves.

Have you missed us? I have missed you guys - for rilz. But don't you worry - Charlie Murphy and I are back - back again - tell a friend!

Holy Hell - alot has happened since I last posted - it's eff'in embarrasing how much PHC has come across 'my desk' - and yet I was still to busy to post. Fear not - this will be the hour of hate - and by hate, I mean I love. I promise to give up my day job - and blog full time - siiiiike.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better - they released the Dvd. Obsess Completely over the OC Box set yo's! By far some of the best $44's I have spent in awhile. 27 episodes of hottness.

If you are ever at best buy - do not be tempted to waste a single penny on this. Wurst evs. Gabe "the artist" and myself tried to watch it, unsuccessfully. I like how the rating includes "not for childern". It should be changed to "not for any human being". This could by far be the worst low budget, soft core, 90's stizz porno ever. While the dvd menu has boobs on it (which is promising) - the plot and movie in general are MISERABLE. For christ sake - the 1st chapter is titled "Stroke Techniques". What the hell was I thinking - $5.09 yo.

While vacationing in California (heeeere we cooommmmeeee) last week, and by vacationing I mean slaving from Eight-to-Ate, I did visit the best burger joint evs. In-n-Out burger - so best. If you are ever in Cali - this is a must. Some might say that Whataburger just got 'out whataburgered'.

Speaking of lard - have you seen Super Size Me? The movie is just flat out awesome. Schmears. What an incredible idea - to partake in gluttonous activities for 30 straight days - this reminds me of something - oh yes! my life. Do yourself a favor - rent the movie - you won't be able to order that Double Quarter Pounder meal, super sized, with a diet coke anymore. But seriously it is a great flick with a great message - quit eating shit everyday!

I know that I am totally bricking on this - go buy the October's GQ. Lohan - so - best - evs - jeez.

Red Sox Nation. and eff you - I am not bandwagon.

I have to admit - I am not very fired up about the Mavs roster this year. Don't tell this to Cuban or it might ruin my chances of being the next contestant on the benefactor - which turned out to be horrible bee-tee-dubs. Regardless - the season opener is tomorrow night - and I promise to keep an open mind - even though we still employ the 'praying mantis'. But seriously - how can you not like someone named Tariq Abdul-Wahad??

This is the sweetest sin? Horrible move by Dick Legay - reports have surfaced from two very reliable sources that the newlywed star got horizontal with a porn star. Classic boy band shit - you are married to a hot (yet fuckin dumb) wife and you are out at parties banging washed up skanks. While I like 'lesbian shows' just as much as the next guy - I don't know if I would jeopardize my marriage to Boobs Magee.

It's soothing - Its sensual - and it almost ends with a happy ending. No I am not talking about 24th b-day parties at the SC restuarant. I am talking about the awesome haircut/wash that I got yesterday. Definately worth my $12.95. I bleed for Tea Tree.

Is there anything wurse than this? Totally humiliated and embarrased. I have no justification - nor will I try. For once I am totally out of words....

Ipod - just keeps getting bedda and bedda.

I hope on Wednesday after G-Dubs wins (eff you John Heinz Kerry) he exports this eff'in idiot. Give me a break - your 48 seconds of fame are over Billy Ripken . (i.e. Michael "fat azz" Moore)

Must have been a slow day for Drudge. This article was seriously posted.

Call me crazy - but I see a second Rap war (Biggie Biggie Biggie stizz) about to erupt. Watch out Jay - you might get peed on.

Do not delete us from your 'favorites' list (you know who you are....) - we are baaaaaaack!

BLOG THE VOTE IN '04!

ehhh

2004-10-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

Geez...what a worthless weekend consisting of football, red wine mustaches (Yerby stizz), and study hall. Can't really complain about the relaxation, though. schmears.

I have seen some rediculous inventions in my day, but The Boyfriend Pillow (above) might take the cake. No word yet as to whether or not a man's version is in the works. Oh wait...that's right. We don't want you even touching us when we're trying to fall asleep (unless you're feeling frisky).

BUZZ!!! An A-Team movie is in the works!!! (cue theme song...jeep flips over, grenade explodes sending men 20 feet in the air, shots fire...yet no one gets killed?!) So Best!

Sean Penn pre 1990....badass (a la Fast Times). Sean Penn post Carlito's Way...so durst. Let me get you a tampon and a tissue, you sissy. Team America is a comedy. A satire. Not Serious. Do us all a favor...move to Iraq and race camels.

A few weeks ago, a dog (obviously drowned on purpose) washed ashore on a beach north of Boston. Somehow the story got big and Matthew Perry has donated money towards a reward in hopes of finding the perp. An act of kindness, or shameless promotion of your name? I mean, everyone loves dogs...but why donate money to this particular cause? Dogs are killed every day. I don't see you doing anything about those. Hurting for work? Fobvs.

I hope Michael Jackson sues the shit out of Eminem...not because I am against making fun of Jacko (Lord no!), but because Eminem is the biggest DOUCHE on the planet. Someone needs to bring that guy down. How did he ever receive so much acclaim? Bye the way...the new song is terrible. And don't think for a minute that he is writing that music. If it weren't for Dre, he'd be Vanilla Ice part deux already. Some say worst ass-puppet evs.

"I'm trying to get my butt perky. I have a white-girl bootie, so I'm doing all my squats to get some junk in my trunk." — Jessica Simpson. JEEZ. I'm talking the Kitchen Sink in those Daisy Dukes for your upcoming Dukes movie. Sure is a lot of buzz with regards to she and Nick's marital troubles lately. Whispers of a possible split sometime soon? Developing...

Marilyn Manson is set to play the Queen of Hearts in the new adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Creepy.

For all of you CPGayers, that should be enough to distract you for at least 10 minutes. I'm off to start making arrangements for the annual ski trip this winter. huge.

Don't change.

Dishevelment

2004-10-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

"I woke up confused" - quote of the week, hands down.

I appologize for the lack of posts in the past week - and by lack of posts, I really mean 0. I have been busy at work amongst other things - schmears. The week in review - list stizz.

9:15pm departure from Dallas to College Station (aka Federline City)

6 shots/4 beers upon arrival - $24

While passing out watching Mean Girls - I overheard "sooo I was hanging out with this guy for an hour and a half - than he ditched me for someone thinner" - hilarity ensued.

"I need Hair Products"

Some of my friends are married - no names dropped.

"I think she is hott" - "What are you talking about - she looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid"

Jager for lunch

"He's the eff'ing Jesus Christ of blogs"

"I hope I throw up tonight" - chanted at 1:10pm

"That's definately sans panties"

"You remember that time you threw up and than took a shot to keep your buzz?"

Turning into Doc Holiday at 1:10am at Corner Bar - pale, sweating profusely, sipping water

"Why can't we hang out more often?" - "because I use more hair products than you"

"Jamie - don't pull over for gas yet, I have to finish this cigarette"

"Don't put more than $5 in gas, I need to drink tonight" - than after putting $10 in gas, "come on, that was a full jager-bomb you wasted"

"I'm going to Fitzwilly's to sober up"

I am going to bake you in my dutch oven tonight.

NY Subs now serves liverwurst around 12:30am

Michael Jackson in College Station - wurst and best moment evs.

"My neck herpes are flaring up - it is embarrassing"

13 missed calls the next morning.

Sandy Jamison & Nancy Drew

Buzzzzzzzz: Real Quick

Sad - yet probably true!

Elin Nordegren definately worth $1.5 million. Dripping with hottness....

Tip: Don't do ciggaweed when you have to take a drug test - otherwise you will drop $160 on a tacklebox of products such as "weed shampoo" and "pills" (via ___________)

Gonna be a huge weekend kids. Texas/OU - Happy Hours - and of course tee's to be bfobvs'd upon.

I am one passing CPA score away from this!

Don't even ask where I am - to much jelly.

-Stay bobvs.

Missing In Action starring Chuck Norris Murphy

2004-10-08T05:13:00.000-07:00

"How many times can I say I'm sorry" The borrowed words from Phil Collins burn like fire in my craw. Schmears...Friends Of The Boner...I have been bad. Please take into account that this sorry sack is still in graduate school (for 9 more weeks...counting the days) and must sometimes sacrifice the BlogLife for studying. So Durst. Duhvs.

Enough Said.

Don't think I haven't been keeping my eye out for some PHC while I've been tucked away in my Fortress of Solitude (aka the Medical Sciences Library...by the way...best place to throw a Deuce on campus EVS.)

Speaking of Deuce (and I'm not talking tennis), the only thing worse than having to take a steamer at work is having to read the instructions on the tampon boxes while doing so. Could have gone without the graphic details. You should see our office bathroom. At least 10 boxes of an assortment of tampons, pads, wipes (gross), etc. Honestly...we could keep a small gas station supplied for at least a month. Geez.

Big props to Sarah for getting me a t-shirt from the Brenham, Texas demolition derby last weekend. So ~~overdone~~ thrift original. Still...the t-shirt looks tight, and at least it doesn't say Abercrombie or American Eagle on it. I mean...how many of you can say you have a t-shirt from a real demolition derby that your co-worker's boyfriend actually raced in and won $300? I'm not even kidding. 72' Impala is the way to go aparently.

Nothing makes Charlie Murphy madder than a wet hen like a bad haircut. I went to _____ (insert shitty cheap, quick, generic walk-in haircut place here) this past week and once again proved to myself that you can't get a decent haircut for less than 20. Seriously considering Toni & Guy for my next shearing. I'm not scurred. Note to self: look into purchase of Flowbee. I can't wait to get to Dallas so GoogleCV can cut the wild animal growing on my head for free (or a six pack in trade).

Today I was taking a study break and flipped to MTV (Music Tele Vurst), and stumbled across an episode of Room Raiders. Sooooo not Elimidate. First of all...2 of the three guy contestants were "aspiring actors" - and this episode was filmed in New Jersey. Unless you are a third cousin of Jon Bon Jovi, you might as well flush that pipedream. Bad accent + Fugly = Casino worker for life, Atlantic City stizz. And one of the dudes was trying to act all hard...despite the fact that he still lived with his grandparents. And the girl found a used condom in his trash can. Could you have sex no less than 20 feet from your grandparents' bedroom? That's too much.

Un-nerving pick up line: "I love alcohol breath."

Last night, I had a dream that I was playing Excite Bike. Best start to a morning in weeks. (I was desigining my own track!)

Okay...so I bought a few Metallica cd's as a youngster...who didn't (don't lie). Obvs they started their downward spiral with the Black album, and have continued a wreckless inner-trajectory leading to...well...this clip says it all. First...Behind The Music. Next...Jane Pauley???

Brit-Brit has been frivolously writing the past couple of days, working on her Graduate School Thesis quality "Letter of Truth: Can you handle it?" First of all, you are dumber than two sticks. Your professor would straight flunk your ass just for that shitty title. ~~Spears~~ Federtramp started writing the letter shortly after watching the Broadway play Wicked. "It was the most amazing play. It was real life-changing for me," says Spears. Yeah...I got the same feeling after watching Cats. Still working on my essay though. Best quote EVS: "I feel like I am at Harvard!" Priceless!!!

On a better musical note, Mick Jagger is back to writing music, just completing some work with Eurythmics frontman Dave Steward for the upcoming film Alfie. Also in the works are songs for their upcoming studio album, which begins recording in November. HUGE.

Camp Cupcake. Sounds like a regular Chino. And you know the women were doing cartwheels the day they found out she was headed to their very own home away from home. Free lessons in home-making from the wizard...who wouldn't be amped? Okay...so it's a little ironic for the lifers...but a girl can dream!

Guns are for amateurs.

It's almost Halloween, and if you're looking to rock a bitchin' wig, look no further.

Did anyone catch Rilo Kiley's "Bad News" performance Wed. night on Conan? Hott. Still haven't completely formed an opinion of "More Adventurous", more listens to be followed by an official opinion.

If you haven't seen the independent movie Super Size Me (see the sidebar), rent it this weekend. Seriously makes me consider becoming a vegetarian. I know one thing...I will never put another Chicken McNugget in my mouth again (or pretty much anything else from there for that matter). Puts the whole Obesity Epidemic into perspective. It will give you a serious reality check and make you want to change your dietary habits. At least until 4 am when Whataburger comes a calling.

And with that, I'm Audi 5000. Working on some possible Dallas plans this weekend...Uncle Grambo (of Whatevs fame) is in town, I would be durst to miss a tri-fecta of PHC bliss. You never know.

Don't change.

Trouble

2004-10-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

Best text-message ever:

"Cab + Vomit"

Oct. 1, 2004
4:11am CT

-Scottland Dub

Deep in the Sauce

2004-09-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

What's up bitches. I've missed you. I've been recovering all week, and as a result letting Jagermonster catch up on some PHC debriefing.

RE-CAP

If you weren't in Dallas last weekend, here's what you missed:

Manhattan Bar Happy Hour w/ Craig, Monster, Swampthing, hot femmes. Thanks to the Baylor Dental School "Zips" fraternity for letting me drink on their tab (you know those dental school frats get Ca-razy - FOBVS!).
The Loon (for Kelly Cheeseburger's B-day)...where I proved it is possible to LIVE from 11 pm to 4 am with your eyes closed. Lots of beautiful people...3 coffee cups of Jager...cigarettes...4 finger high vodkie ~~tonics~~ toxics. Directly proceeded by a trip to Whataburger IN A FUCKING TAXI! (thanks Venus). Geez...most expensive taquitos I'll ever eat. Note to self: when you feel your esphagus self-lubricating...pre-vahmit stizz...don't order 2 taquitos and a saugsage/egg/cheese biscuit (96 grams of fat combined...look it up). I shortly thereafter donated my evidence to the throne, where Erin found me passed out against the wall and so graciously helped me to bed.
Drama (ex girlfriend stizz...seriously...stop spying on me)
Charlie Murphy...Professional Body Shield
Hangover Tennis...beaten by none other than my partner in crime (thanks to the low net, NATCH!).
1 pound of hummus from Eat-Zi's (so best)
Back to Manhattan Bar for Erin's B-Day party
Jagermonster's Sportcoat from Sears (come see the softer side)
Knox Street Pub where debauchery ensued with Stu, Parker, Rocket, Scotty Dub, Craig, DJ Ketter, Wessah, Camgoldapp, Sheedy, Chaddicus, amongst others. Also sighted were the WORST boob job evs, followed by the biggest SMU frat-tastic crowd ever assembled. Since when is it okay to wear shorts, a button down shirt, and a FUCKING TIE?? Come on, guy.
Donkeyboner Shots....so WORST!
The Sony Mavica
Corner Bar to finish off Saturday night where Dub's cousin bragged about a night of donkey sex and blowing rails. Nice finish.

Hey man, I'm just trying to live.

Unfortch for my liver, Jagermonster is coming to The Station for 4 days...The Glenlivet in tow (and hopefully Skunk Stripe).

How tall do you think John Kerry's head is?? I'll go ahead and throw out a bold 12 inches. Someone get a ruler and measure that thing.

Some say Worst trick EVS! A hooters employee in Florida busted her ass (and sweater hogs) moving beer to win a Toyota in a recent contest put on by the chain. Is a play-on-words grounds for a lawsuit?? Apparently so. Should have used The Force.

WARNING: Shitty Pun Ahead. This guy was flying high trying to smuggle an effing METH LAB on an airplane. Backwoods son of a bitch. I realize you probably don't fly often, but dude, come on. Did you really think you would get past the dogs with that shit in your fanny pack?

Seriously...the guy really was raised by wolves.

In an effort to get Kerry elected, a group of "sexy liberals" are driving around the northern U.S. trying to trade sex for votes in swing states. Please tell me Teresa Heinz-Kerry is driving the van! I would donkey all over that shit!

I am a true Patriot (I can count myself as the voter, right???)

Kobe Bryant was quoted as saying he "should have done what Shaq does ... that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything" and already had paid up to $1 million "for situations like this." Shaq rebutted with "I'm not the one who is buying love." Still nowhere close to Wilt the Stilt...count on that.

"Tiger Woods hurt
his back last week when he fell asleep in an awkward position on his plane, and said on the eve of the tournament he might have to withdraw." Yeah...in your fucking Gulfstream, laying down in your king sized bed and shit. Did you forget to sleep with your body pillow?? What is it with this guy. Just come on out with it...you threw your back out boning ELLEN! In a related note, looks like The Murph will have to wait a couple more weeks for the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005. So Durst.

And with that, I'm off to cook a buffalo roast (i'm not even kidding...my roommate's parents raise them...so titties).

I love scotch. I love gold.

Don't Change.

I see Paris - Volume Deuce!!!!

2004-09-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS (10:30pm): Reports have surfaced that yet another Paris Hilton sex tape has surfaced - containing OVER 11 hours of footage! The report states that the video shows Paris having sex with multiple ex's including mega-durst Dick Carter. Hello G-Dubs! The video even shows Ms. Hilton rolling a fatty-j. Developing.....

I'm rich - bitch.

2004-09-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

That's right friends - yesterday I made a purchase - or an investment if you will. I talked the parentals into hooking up the Jagermonster with an ipod for my 24th, which is just around the corner. Regardless - this thing is straight up so titties. So many bad azz functions, so easy to use. SO BEST. I assure you I will be involved in some tom-foolery today in the office - uploading songs and whatnot.

It sure is nice to give my liver a break - 3 days of soberiety and loving it. Now I just need to start exercising to shed off the ellbs. I remember when I had a 6-pack (not booze) - I remember that DAY.

I am finally willing to admit defeat. We are done for the playoffs. I guess it is time to renew my card carrying rights to be a member of RSN (Red Sox Nation - natch).

There will be an update tonight on The DB - Best Hair in sports - REVEALED! The smart money is on Johnny Damon - howevs I will be doing research throughout the day.

It is sad that even the Chinese are wrapped up (safety first kids) in Britney Schmears Gossip. When asked if pregnant, brit-brit's response "No, not that I know of. But next year, I am so there." SO THERE? This isn't a vacation to the beach or a night at a concert - this is a kid you are talking about. Hey Kevin - thanks for the Herp's.

Jay Leno to retire - IN 2009. Don't you think this announcement is a bit premature? Let me mark my calendar for 2009 - that I haven't bought yet! No buzz.

Hey Agassi - Kurt Warner called.

zzzzzzz NEXT!

And speaking of zzz's - check out this article forwarded to me by GoogleCV. After some long nights of boozing and debauchery I could surely use on of those....

Updates later yo.

Her Undercarriage Was Showing!

2004-09-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

FRIZZZIDAY!
Wow. As predicted this weekend was totally AWESOME. Hurricane Chuck (aka Charlie Murphy) blew through town and damn - it did some destruction (i.e. my liver). Within 30 minutes of arriving C-Murph and myself were enjoying free cocktails on the dental school students tab at Manhattan Bar.

After several tasty bevy's and some good chatter(about tee's and debauchery) we decided to a 'last day at work' happy hour for a p2 friend. C-Murph quickly became a PBS - personal body shield - as we decided last minute to bail. We made our way to The Corner Bar for some delicious $2 dos equis (Double X, natch!) and some piss poor service. Not to mention the fact that they were showing the Sox/Yanks game on the big screen instead of the Rangers/Mariner's - durst move on their part. This was the first time during the night that I realized we were in trouble. Anytime a friend suggests that they are going to 'drink their dinner' - beware!

From Corner Bar we headed to the Loon - and became Loonatics - to celebrate Kelly Cheeseburger's b-day. Bfobvs all over your b-day tees, gfriend. Instantly we ordered our first coffee mug full of Jager - where Charlie had to take a quick Time-out and swallow 50 times to make sure it wasn't going to come back up. It was awesome to see everybody out -- and thanks to all the kind words people said about the blog. We got fans - biaaatch. The time-bomb named Charlie exploded after some 4-finger vodkee's and another shot o' Jager. At this point in the night - alcohol was being abused. The funniest moment of the night was when Charlie went to use the bathroom and stood at the door waiting to go in. I came over 5 minutes later and he was still standing outside. "Who the eff is taking a shit at the Loon, man" was slurred by Charlie, and I decided to make sure someone was in the bathroom -- I turned the knob and to Charlie's surprise - nobody was in the bathroom. Instantly classic - schmears. Warning! Do not send text messages while at the bar that read 'I need sauce'.

We caught a ride home for Mr. p2 himself - and ended up calling for a cab to take us to TWhataburger - worst idea evs. Matty V decided to enjoy a beer in the cab - so ridic's. Charlie leans over to me and says "I am trying so hard not to throw up right now - and am losing the battle". Jeez. We finally return to Kim's to enjoy our late night delicacies - eff'ing PEC taquito's yo! Charlie finishes eating and than goes and lays on the toliet to empty his stomach - so best.

SaturDAZE - The day was filled with dry heaves and tennis - not at the same time, of course. I was supposed to help my brother move a armoir and instead just got in the way as I sweated out the Jager I had consumed the night before. Miserable.

I ended up having a very busy night - consisting of 3 parties to attend as well as having dinner with Big Bob. We decided to have dinner at Truluck's where I bobvs'd all over some salmon and salad. fuuuuueeee. So delicious.
Afterward,I saw the most ridiculous thing evs. See below.

I have no explanation for what would cause someone to want to have that. Straight up the most fucking asinine thing I have ever seen.

After dinner I stopped by C.K.'s party for some quality patio time and some ice cold Miller Lites. I then headed off with Scottland to meet up with Charlie Murphy at Knox Street Pub - for a donkeyboner and debauchery.

A donkeyboner - Revealed! A donkeyboner is hands down the wurst shot that was ever invented. It works like this - you get a group of guys (girls stay out of this!) and each person calls a different licka. Our donkeyboner consisted of Jager - 151 - and peppermint schnaaps. Not as bad as I originally thought - but definatly not good. Things started getting hazzy after this point in time - but we did have several discussions about improvements for the site (boner of the month) and wurst boob job of the week - stay tuned!

We got crunk with Jay during "dirt off my shoulder". DJ Mike was cracking my shit up with his air turntable abitilites - robvs.

Quote of the night was Scottland Dub - "Tonight is not about Donkey Boners - it is about other Debauchery". And he was correct, kinda. I can't describe what happened afterwards b/c apparently I left abruptly and told people I stole a bottle of licka - which did not happen. Anyways - I was hurting this morning when I ralphed at 12:30 - straight up 151 - uggggh. The bottom line - weekend was total tits. Thanks for all the good times - and high fives.

Now - for some quick PHC.

Hey Taco C. - hire some people who at least speak English at the drive-thru, or you will continue to lose my business!

Has anyone seen that Drew Barrymore documentary on MTV where she travels around and tries to convince people to vote? Don't waste you time - it blows. While I am on the rant - I think MTV is trying way to hard these days to send political messages. For example - the Bush sisters and Kerry sisters at the Music Awards - wurst idea evs. MTV - the majority of your viewers are to young to vote!

Wurst attempt to get media attention evs! Your life is basically over sweetheart.

I give you the best weather research on the web, hands down. Go ahead and bookmark it.

Singh me a song - talk about a hell of a year. This guy is looking like Tigre' did in the late 90's.

Say whaaaat?

And finally - you can bet your ass I will have front row tickets for this hottness. bobvs.

You guys are beautiful - keep reading - and stay bobvs.

I love Scoooootch! I love Gooooooold!

2004-09-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

A little PHC teaser before the weekend of weekends. The Murph is re-uniting with Jagermonster in the D (uptown stizz) for one epic, green bottle blasting, SP Mode Spying, Alcoholic Robot Imitating, HURRICANE MUTHAFUCKIN DONKEYBONER WEEKEND!!! Get the street sweepers out, for my liver cries tonight. Birthday celebrations for Kelly and Erin...where else but THE LOON! Vodka Tonics...4 fingers high vodka, splash of sprite, 1 quarter lime, 3 ice cubes, little black straw. MARVELOUS. Three dollars you say? In Dallas? Get out of town. Predictions: Fire-Hydrant style Vomits, 3 empty bottles of jager, tennis on saturday (proceeded by vahmit), Venus gets out of control, Scotty Dub pees on the futon, Swampthing comes up for air and makes another appearance. Tees will be bovs'd upon.

A proverbial land missile? Nope...just some dude doing 205 ON A FUCKING CROTCH-ROCKET! I used to have a friend with a street bike. His name was douchebag.

Worst way to die....fire? suffocation? G-DUBS? Nope...this guy has got you beat.

David Koresh...you figure he's stealing money from his followers, stockpiles some cash, and decides he needs a decent ride to cruise around Waco and pick up some young central Texas skirts. What better car to cruise some talent with than a 1968 Chevy Camaro - 427 cu.in. block and 500 donkeypower, Gone In Sixty Seconds stizz (sans DSL Angelina Jolie). Totally matches the mullet and aviators. Miraculously (no pun intended), the car managed to escape the blaze unscathed (barring a few minor TANK scratches), and is now being auctioned off on EBAY. Charlie Murphy will ride $20 as far as it will go.

Oprah = Scam Artist. (robvs)
First of all, the cars Okrah gave away last week were not in fact bought by her.
They were donated by Pontiac, and she played it off as if she bought the damn things herself. What a fraud. And if Oprah were a true philanthropist, she would cover the whopping $7,000 per car in tax costs each studio member will accrue if they accept the shitwagon. I guess my marketing professor was right when he said, "There's no such thing as a free lunch."

And with that, I'm northbound 45, left on Hall, straight into the arms of my favorite girls (Yerby, Stinie, and Erin, NATCH!). Thanks in advance for babysitting me all weekend. See you at Whataburger, 4 am sharp! schmears!

Wrong side of the bed

2004-09-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

How many times will this picture pop up in the media over the next couple of days? What a nightmare. And what bad timing…I mean the bastard is riding high after the mild success of Saved, and then he gets caught carrying half an ounce of weed (modest chunk), and Xanex (which he definitely didn’t have a prescription for). Some say worst move since letting Jacko touch his tee-tee.

An amazing article by John Lopez (Houston Chronicle) describing the Atrophy of American Supremecy in athletics after the Europeans made us walk to the red tees with our dongs hanging out (old golf rule) at this year's Ryder Cup. This guy is dead on. Americans once again have something to prove to the rest of the world...who will step up to the challenge?

Martha Stewart. Why do I feel like this trip to Jail will only help her stock. Go Figure.

Honestly...how many fucking CSI shows can run at the same time before America spontaneously vomits their El Charrito Saltillo TV dinner all over the living room? I mean, THREE are on during primetime slots this fall. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHO FAKE-MURDERED SOME CRACK DEALER IN EITHER MIAMI, NEW YORK, OR LAS VEGAS! SHIT!!!

Jason Alexander - dude...my favorite show on TV is ESPN's Pardon The Interruption. Now, Jason...Seinfeld was huge...you played a character who was funny...it was based upon the life of Larry David (writer of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm)...the act fit your look...but your last couple of projects have bombed. Maybe you should hang up the spikes. Your new show, based on Espn's PTI, features you playing a cranky, hot-headed (starting to sound familiar?), animated sports anchor...albeit Tony Kornheiser is way funnier than you will ever be. I guess some actors, although unfortunate, can only realize success when accepting roles suited for their typecast (see Matt LeBlanc). If it weren't for Theo Huxtable playing your sidekick, I probably wouldn't even bother to watch. Maybe you should start reconsidering a sequel to Dunston Checks In.

The only thing worse than listening to Soft Rock
(don't get me wrong...Charlie Murphy loves Phil Collins, but they repeat that shit like 5 times a day) at work is listening to Country all day. My new hate: the song by Gretchen Trailer-fem that's about redneck women and goes "Hell Yeah" like 50 times. I want to dig out my eardrums with the surgical scissors every time I hear that damn song. Whatever happened to hott female country artists like Mindy McCready? Hillbilly Heroin?

Does your Grandmother relate everything in the universe to food like mine does? I love Mama Eva, she's a saint. But sometimes she makes me laugh out loud at her on the phone. For instance, last week I was asking her about Mom, Dad, and the house back in New Orleans (they stayed with her because of the hurricane). Her reply, "Oh...they're fine. But Charlie...I bought the most beautiful ham yesterday at the grocery store...you wouldn't believe it." I mean...I'm trying to check on my parents' life status and assess the possible damage done to our house by the hurricane, and she's bragging to me about some glorious ham she just purchased from the butcher. Lesson? Cajuns are serious about their meat.

Nalgene bottles have become quite the trend these days. I think I saw a 7 year old walking to school with one clipped to her backpack the other day. Being the avid outdoorsman, I have collected a few over the years...not as a trend setter...but for the simple fact that they are supposed to be able to withstand a fall from some rediculous height (I think the dude at Whole Earth told me 10 stories). Anywizz...I ran my own little experiment yesterday. Full of water. 5 story parking garage. To my amazement, held its form...and I am a satisfied customer.

Bush and Kerry have their first televised debate slated for next week in Florida. Do yourself a favor and watch.

Mrs. Federline. "The nondenominational ceremony took place at a private home in Studio City, California, with about twenty guests in attendance, including Spears' mother Lynne and younger sister actress Jamie Lynn. The couple ate chicken fingers and ribs, and danced to Journey." JOURNEY?!! Come on. Need I say more? Did you see that MTV COMMERCIAL about how the girl wasn't going to put the name of Brit's husband on the wedding card cause she knows she'll have to change it later? Re-Fucking-Donkulous....maybe you had to be there.

Speaking of funny commercials...the new Bud Light commercial where the ref gives the dude a 15 yard penalty for a Tribal Band arm tattoo. Classic!

Guns and alcohol don't mix? Don't tell this guy.

Okay....I just finished this at work (on the clock!), and I have a surgery to assist. Catch me on the flip side.

DON'T CHANGE.

Aww Skeet Skeet!

2004-09-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

Guess who's back - Back again - Jager's back - Tell a friend!

Damn I have missed you people...

Let me start out by saying it takes a real man to stand in line with 20 other people at Best Buy with only a Mean Girls DVD in your hand. I persevered bitches.

Lohan in '04 - Bobvs.

What a great day! I got off work at 3:30 - I bought Mean Girls - and The Glenlivet 12 yr is now in my licka cabinet. Oh yeah - WSOP tourny of champs is on tonight too - some might say best day evs.

This weekend was filled with Bobvsicle's and Bobvsticles. Catch my drift? Apologies go out to all those in C-stat who thought I was coming down. I got kidnapped yo, and it didn't suck.

The Daddies & Co. progressed southernly to DD's lake house. And yes - WE FOUND SKUNKSTRIPE! After ace'ing a sixer in the car ride down, the debauchery started. Let's just say Scottland enjoys laughing at himself while throwing up, and of course likes urinating on bathroom floors. It was bfobvs. STICK PROCUREMENT!

Saturday was filled with countless beers - me eating shit about 30 times trying to water ski - and of course my 12th man kicking some serious bobvsticles. I might be looking through some maroon shades - but we might have a chance for a bowlgame. schmears.

Britney what the eff are you thinking? I am glad to hear that everyone went to the reception in 'sweatpants'. Also glad to hear that she had 'chicken fingers' and 'Waldorf salad'. And finally, glad to hear that the 'goody bags' (not funbags) included jeans and candy. I told you she wasn't WT! Some couples are just a match made in Heaven -- and by Heaven I mean trailer park.

Whoever thought Macaulay Caulkin would never have another big hit --you were wrong! Much like Ricky Dub's -- this kid looooves the ciggaweed (and pills).

You want hottness? Don't say I didn't warn you! (SFW)

Looks like somebody pulled an Anne Heche. How can a couple of hot Russian vixens go from lesbodian back to hetero? Who the eff knows, but you won't find me complaining!

And finally - for those of you who really don't know what skeet is. You know who you are.

Whoa, Bob, Whoa

2004-09-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

Slowly making the turn after a weekend that, let's be honest, could hold the number one slot for the year's best. Jeez...where do I even start?

Left The Station on Friday afternoon straight from work. Arrived in Austin at roughly 6pm. We unloaded our bags and headed straight for Zilker Park.

Day One: Toots and the Maytals. so tight. Godfather of reggae...perfect slow, methodical jamming...bass drum thumping, 4-string slapping goodness. Really the highlight of the night considering the last two shows suffered through were Durst Ferdinand and Los Dursty Boys, respectively (almost would rather have caught Sheryl Crow-Armstrong instead...almost). Franz threw together some of their crappy scot-pop songs, intermittently sprinkled with broken-english commentary (trainspotting stizz). Add to that some technical difficulties and a terrible sound engineer, and you've got a recipe for auditory diarrhea. no buzz.

Day Two: After sleeping until noon for the first time in weeks, we headed out again. Much better line-up. Started out with The Old 97's. Awesome. Next session was split between Howie Day (come ci, come ca...that's Franch asshole), and The Gourds. Directly proceeded by Modest Mouse (which they played mainly old stuff...thank god), My Morning Jacket (check them out), Trey Anastasio (of phish fame), The Pixies (Frank Black...so tigs) and G-Love and Special Sauce. All great shows...Highlights included Old 97's, Trey and G-Love.

Day Three: Best day of all. Kick it off with Mofro...a band from Florida who knows how to rally the crowd. Nothing gets the hairs standing on the back of Charlie Murphy's neck like a wild-ass pipe-organ style keyboard, harmonica, and slide guitar. They get better and better every time i see them. Schmears. One of my personal favs at the moment. Next was The Roots. They get The Murph's Blue Ribbon award. Seriously...tore the lid off that stage. Probably the most crowded set all weekend...I'm talking over 50,000 moist people crowded for this event alone (out of 75,000). ?uest-love was beatin them skins...and Captain Kirk (lead guitar...who I met after the show and shook his hand)...damn. In the middle of the set, they started playing The Seed 2.0, and then broke out into a cover of Duran Duran's "White Lines", followed by a cover of Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight", into "Goodtimes". Effing unbelievable. Also covered was Santana's "Black Magic Woman". Left me dripping. After The Roots, caught North Mississippi Allstarts (tight), Jack Johnson (chill-best), and the Drive By Truckers (true southern rock - grits and bacon stizz).

Overall, the weekend was huge. Highlights: Mueller's handicap parking pass which enabled us to park at the apartments 50 yards from the venue (as opposed to parking somewhere downtown and walking 5 miles like everyone else), my two-minute Baja Fresh deuce (seriously impressive considering time constraints), the hott little blonde girl wearing a long white skirt and skimpy tank top dancing next to me like a little flower child on acid, GK's experience, megan's hottness (and gracious party weekend hospitality), green haze, taco bell's new value menu, crowd frisbee w/ kent, DY's filth, Opitz getting over his worthless ex.
Worst: 98 degree temp. w/ no wind, Big Fat 60 year old Hippie dancing in front of me (seriously man, you can wear deodorant and still be a hippie), dude w/ a tattoo on his back which wasn't visible due to back hair, fat girl w/ nipple piercings wearing no shirt, franz ferdinand, ass sweat, drink prices, laws.

Yeah...that's pretty much all I gots the juice for right now. Keep the Bovs flowin' like Niagra.

Don't Change.

oh fuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh

2004-09-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

Debauchery ensues. Good stories to come on the flip-side.

I'm Not That Innocent Trashy

2004-09-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

No...you're right, Lynne, your daughter is a very classy, usptanding, respectable looking young woman. What would give you the impression people think she looks trashy?

In similar news...Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are now engaged. Congratulations. Now you can make a Canadian musical UBERDURST!

Best Musical Force to come out of Canada EVS:

Neil Peart - Best drums Evs
Geddy Lee - Highest Male Voice Evs

Ladies looking for a man??? Check out these hott poses from the BIKERFOX!!! (No shirt + JORTS = Instant Classic!!!)

Schmears

2004-09-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

My name is Charlie Murphy, and I approve this message.

Okay...if you haven't heard of Gmail, then toss that Commodore 64 out the window and get with the times. Like a nasty global pandemic of the G-Dubs (the STD), the Gmail juggernaut has spread to the far reaches of the country (thanks in most part to GoogleCV). I have never been so happy with an email provider (FREE no less). I love the ability to search to find the exact message you want, no matter when it was sent or received. 1000 megabytes (serious porn capacity) of free storage. Each message is grouped with all its replies and displayed as a conversation. No pop-up ads. No untargeted banners. BOVS ON THEM TEES. Best part about it...it's still in beta quasi-underground country club phase ...which means to be a member, you must be invited by another member (um...Bob Connely...I was just trying to get some Tee Time - Spoonie Luv). If you're cool enough, maybe Charlie Murphy has one of his invites left with your name on it.

So I've been totally obsessed with this band Athlete. New cd (Vehicles and Animals) is featured in my hottness on the sidebar. Click on the link and purchase immediately. You won't be disappointed.

Recent reads of the current state in Russia can't help but leave me with visions of the old hammer and sickle. Is is just me, or have the outlandish statements and acts by current president Vladimir Putin seem to be leaning towards the days of the Red Machine? I'll keep an eye out...

Heads up Gulf Coast (and my parents, who currently reside in the Crescent City!), Ivan seems determined to tear some shit up. What a crazy year for weather. 3 category 4 or greater hurricanes in less than 2 months...seriously...is the apocalypse upon us or something? If Ivan strikes the heart of New Orleans, Jackson Square could end up looking something like this!

Have you ever wondered what it is like to be a Cubs fan? Want to practice? Watch the Rangers. A diehard fan since my conception (do the names Scott Fletcher, Oddibe McDowell, Pete O'brien and Icaviglia, Charlie Hough, Geno Petralli, Steve Beuchelle, Don Slaught mean anything to you??), I think I have slowly developed a condition over the years. Year after year...same story. Typically in contention for the first 3/4 of the season (thanks year in and year out to a stellar offense), the Rangers always fall as the last month or two of baseball come to a close. Although I can't really complain this year thanks to a complete 180 from last season, I can't help but feel the pain of Chicago and Boston fans. Did anyone happen to catch the game last night (probably not). I was just about to finish the last of my volumes of readings when I looked up to see the camera zooming in on a woman resembling Massive Head Wound Harry (Dana Carvey stizz). Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco, apparently having enough of the taunting, hurled a chair hammer-throw style at the first row of patrons, hitting 3 of them. Totally Unexcusable. As a professional athlete, you are expected to be able to hold your cool and act like a professional. You know going into this profession that there will be taunting, heckling, cell phone throwing, etc. Never should retaliation cross the mind, save for a breach in your own personal safety. I say give the jackass a lenghty suspension accompanied by a hefty fine. The dude will no doubt be sued as well. no buzz.

Speaking of Dallas sports, if you love sports talk radio, become a P-1 and check out The Hardline on KTCK The Ticket. I listen to the show every afternoon online. So Best!!! Snake!!

Somewhat excited about a couple of upcoming movies. First on the list...I Heart Huckabees. I love quirky little indie movies, and based on the buzz, this one seems to hold a lot of promise (Schwartzman...so tigs).

Also somewhat aroused (no pun intended) about the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard. Not only is Boobie McGee (bovs on those sweater monkeys) officially cast as the ass-splitting JORTS sponsor, but Jay Chandrashekar of Supertroopers (tits) and Club Dread fame is writing and directing the remake. Word has it that he's trying to cast Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg. No word yet as to who will play Cooder! (not you, skunk stripe!)

Nothing makes The Murph happier than when a young, beautiful female actress decides to shed her bubble-gum kiddie teen movie image by playing peek-a-boobie in a more serious, artsy movie (fobvs). In the upcoming movie Havoc, Anne Hathaway of Princess Diaries fame will supposedly be showing off her assets opposite Bijou Phillips. Hathway had recently said, "I wish people wouldn't sensationalise seven seconds of a two-hour performance." Seriously...those people are like...so immature.

And Adam Brody (from the OC) has taken his ideas for a new Revenge of the Nerds to director McG (come on dude...use your real name). Plot line...the AlphaBetas tease the dorks, a competition ensues, Nerds rule the school. Sprinkle in a couple of tatties here and there and you've got yourselves a true ROTN installment. (and possibly a cameo by Booger)

Alright bitches...The Murph is off to the lap pool, Michael Phelps stizz. May bovs drip steadily down your own respective tees this afternoon. NATCH!

Skater Crash clip (OUCH!)

Big Champs! Big Champs!

2004-09-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

As promised - this site is blowing up, Kristie Alley stizz. We got national recognition today from the Thigh Master. Big Titties - Big Titties. I am glowing with fobvs...

Mark Cuban as The Benefactor. Call me crazy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the show tonight. Sure I am bias because I live in Dallas and I am a MFFL (if you don't know what this means - don't ask! Yeah I am talking to you SKUNK-STRIPE!!!). Jenga for a mill? Are you kidding me? I love it. Only thing better - sexual Jenga (circa 1996).

Best frozen pizza - Freschetta Sauce Filled Crust - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE

Best take out pizza - Campisi's. Bfobvs on your Mafia tee's.

I love living in downtown D. The main benefit is that I put very few miles on my car. The last time I filled up was August 28th - and I only have 156 miles on my car since then. Megatigs.

I know a lot of people are concerned about hurricane Ivan (no, not Ivan Fox - AJ), but the people of the lone starshould be worried about a tropical depression that is forming 1 mile north of Dallas. Weather reports shoow that tropical depression Jamieson is heading south and should arrive in c-stat on Friday around 8:00pm. Meterologists warn that by Friday it is likely that Jamieson will be a full blown Category 5 storm. I expect my groupies to have Jagerbombs ready - two at a time. Cowabunga dude.

Tomorrow night - Must see tely. WSOP '04 final table!!!! I have been waiting all summer for this shit. All in - biaaaaatch.

What the hell is this all about? Who dresses up as Batman to protest? You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I know a lot of you guys know our good friend "The Venis". Please send your prayers - he is in bad shape. I saw him looking at this at work yesterday! Who does that shit, I ask again?!?!

Stay bobvs people!

O Liver, Where Art Thou?

2004-09-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

BC Powder + Fruit Punch Gatorade = Best Hangover Cure EVS!!!

Holy shitballs...
still trying to recover from an EPIC weekend. Ingredients for a three day Donkeyfest includes (in no particular order): 1 bottle of Sunny Brooke (sunny bone), 3 cokes, multiple 1 litre beers a la Logan's, 3 Turkish Golds (bummed, NATCH!), CHARTREUSE??!!!, Jager, 3 meals of Mexican Food (followed by my good friend Rrhea), Wrecking Drew the Alcoholic Cyborg, sunscreen (Andy J stizz), 1 hot dog, a beer bong, and 500 million LOVE BUGS!

Football Re-Cap:

"Ags Win, Ags Win!!!" (Harry Carry Stizz) The Ags managed to put together a better than average performance in the second half of their home opener Saturday. Unfortch for me, I was busy wiping the alcohol pouring out of my sweat glands and missed probably half of the game because of it. Worked up quite an ass sweat. Seriously, I can't remember the last time my chode was so moist.

Cowboys...leave a little bit less than to be desired. The Vinny to Keyshawn connection proved a formidable foe, yet the lack of experience in our secondary permitted Randy Moss to run circles around Pete Hunter's chicken. I'd hate to be on the practice field come monday morning. Something tells me a Devil's Thunder is a brewin' in Bill Parcells' FUPA!

Might as well rename them the Washington Foreskins, seein' as how everyone in sports media is sucking their D. For reals...they're not THAT good.

Phila now has a forseeable Super Bowl opportunity thanks to the man who carries a Sharpie in his Jockey Strap. (and I'm not talking about Andy Reid).

You didn't hear about Primetime making any big plays this weekend, did you? That's because they didn't throw to his man ONE SINGLE TIME all game. I'd say that's quite a compliment.

Ken Jennings, the Stormin' Mormon who is making Alex Trabec look like a public school dropout, might have ended his record winning streak (42 as of thursday) on a recent show taped last tuesday. Can you say QUIZ SHOW? Seriously...that dude HAS to have an earpiece, Vince Vaughn stizz.

"Shave It* Like Beckham": the new slogan Gilette has paid David Beckham $61 mil to use. They'll never hear the end of that one.

* (Victoria Beckham)

Neve Campbell has decided to break her "no nudity clause" by appearing nude in the upcoming movie When Will I Be Loved. The actress, who previously swore off all roles requiring her to dis-robe, has finally reached that point in an aging female actress' career where only soft core porn can generate enough money and attention to earn her an extra 15 seconds of fame (see also: Meg Ryan).

Someone please remind Katie Couric that she's 47 (platinum highlights are so high school).

In more shocking news, former N'SYNC douchebag Joey Fatone got married this weekend, dispelling the often-circulated rumors that he has lots of sex with dudes.

I've just decided...The Killers suck. no buzz.

Surprise, Surprise. A famous supermodel comes clean about snorting rails for the past 10 years. Honestly...how do you think she keeps that spectacular bod? Yesterday's Frosted Flakes = today's Special K and Coke.

Ashton Kutcherworst will be wearing his Von Durst trucker hat opposite Sharon Stone in the long dreaded sequel to Basic Instinct. Demi's nervous...count on that.

And lastly, a woman was pronounced dead at a Cincinnati hospital over the weekend compliments of her cute little Urutu Pit Viper (WTF?). Other pets found in the apartment included 9 poisonous snakes, various lizards, and aligators. Hey Jack(ie) Hanna...should have gone with the slightly less poisonous Bichon Frise.

That's all I have time to put together for now, check back with us later when you're coasting on fumes and the LOW PHC light flicks on.

I had an AWESOME time....

2004-09-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Hello - Hola - Caio - привет and Het hallo...

How the hell is everybody? I know that most people are probably having severe withdrawals from the lack of content posted on TheBoner the past couple of days - but fear not, the Jagermonster is back. I got so much hottness it will be dripping from your tees for weeks.

Worst way to wake up in the morning? Listening to this crap. I can't say that I listen to it - but I have a friend that does. Kidd is so 1990, it makes C. Thomas Howell jealous.

Shaq comes out with a cd. Finally something worse than Kazzzzzzzzzzzzzam!

Joey - So becks. My guess - no more than 3 episodes.

The Apprentice deuce - did anyone watch the hour long BOREDroom scene? How many times did I hear 'talented' or 'utilized' -- way too many I tell you. I am going to go out on a limb here and say this one is going to be ever shittier than the first. Let's be honest, that bitch Pamela should have been fired along with Rob. Both suck.

Georgia Tech/Clemson game - So best. One of the better upsets I have seen in awhile. Let's hope Clemson is depressed and doesn't show up next week.

Pretzels are the new croutons - or so Scottland Dub believes. I was shocked to see my roommate load up his salad with some Rold Gold's tonight. "This shit is going to catch on, I swear" - bfobvs. Speechless....

David Carr's hair - durstimus maximus.

Anyone else freaked out by the abundance of ink in the NFL these days? I threw up after I saw Jason Babin's. That shit is gross.

The OC - Obsessed Completely. Mischa -- looking hotttttttttttt.

"There is a real good chance that we can kill this bottle tonight" - Scottland referring to the 4 liter bottle of Sangria he purchased at 11:00pm last night. I refuse to tell you the outcome.

Do yourself a favor and download Bob Schneider "The King of the World" - this song is the tits. Thank me later.

I just was informed that my birthday falls on a Friday this year. Disastrous. Blowout details to follow in the upcoming weeks.

Don't be fooled by the Blog that I got -- I'm still Jamie from the block.

Flaccid

2004-09-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Friends of the Boner,

Jagermonster and The Murph apologize for the recent chaos...Skunkstripe was trying to hold us down by effing up our cozy little PHC nook. Please don't be deterred by our sidebar debacle.

In the Lord's name we pray,

Amen.

Crying is for bitches - word.

2004-09-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

That's right. Big Daddy Jagermonster posting on a worknight. You won't hear me crying no rivers (JT stizz), though. Fobvs all over your TFB tees.

Whoever said this blog wasn't going to be a success can ess my dee. That's right kids, we are on the aol search engine. Apparently someone was directed to our site (fueeeee) by searching for 'boner' on aol. Surprise - Surprise, result page 7 of 2821. The daddy's are blowing up - total tits.

Some small hottness from work today:

Big Titty Dell Laptop fully equiped with wireless (the only way to fly) and a dvd player (sydnee steele)NSFW
Corporate Amex cards on the first day
Payday on the 15th of September

Can it get any bedda? Yes - look below skunkstripe!

Lohan in '04

3 entries found for boner.

2004-09-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

bon·er1 (bnr)n. Informal - A blunder or an error.
bon·er2 (bnr)n. Vulgar Slang - An erection of the penis.
boner n. - an embarrassing mistake [syn: blunder, blooper, bloomer, bungle, foul-up, fuckup, flub, botch, boo-boo]

Gotta love "boo-boo"

Sorry, D'ers, but highway 290 (not northbound 45) heeded the call of the Land Rover (not my own, unfortch for me) this weekend. Debauchery ensued. A hauntignly familiar sequence of events to which I proudly lay claim.

It all started off with a little trip to City Park for a leisurely pre-party mountainbiking stint in north Austin. Unbeknownst to me, this effing bitch of a trail comprised mainly of grueling steep grade rock climbs and 3 to 5 foot limestone drops. Never the pessimist (yeah right), I convinced our group to proceed with the danger, cause that's how we roll...like my buddy Lance. But I have 2 grapes. 3 hours and 10 lacerations later, we emerged victoriously to the final steep drop in. All of the other riders decided to skip the last drop and ride out the smooth part in true vaginal fashion. I, on the other hand, decided to attempt the 8 foot drop in front of a small audience of semi-professional mountainbikers. Just as I am about to tuck my tail between my legs and ride out the rest on the flatter, easier path, a man yells out to me in his loudest voice (in front of a crowd of 15 people), "Do it you PUSSY! My 12 year old son just nailed that drop twice!" FUCK! Now I pretty much had to do it, or withstand a(nother) night of drunken and persistent ridicule. My eyes reluctantly open, I picked a line and kicked that fucker straight in the nuts. I rode down to the crowd of dudes, and the one guy tossed me an ice-cold Shiner Best. He was all "I was just kidding about calling you a pussy". Regardless...I'm glad I landed on two tires and not my neck (or weiner).

Come sundown, we are partying at Shakespear's, 6th street stizz, and a freaking fight breaks out in the middle of the street. Some barely 5'10" white "fratty" is talking shit to this jacked African American fellow. Out of nowhere comes a cherry left followed by a hard right uppercut to his lack of chin, burnt orange hat flying off into the night. Liquid courage...it's a bitch sometimes. On 6th street, the city of Austin deploys a horse-mounted unit to patrol the often out of control Texas version of Bourbon Street. The mountees were soon on these two like flies on shit. Imagine two guys handcuffed laying face-down on this alcohol swamp of a street. Now picture a mountee coming full circle around these guys, backing his horse in to get closer, and his horse takes a Gi-normous shit no further than 3 feet from their noses. I'm talking splatter paint all over the face. Streaming shredded wheat hay-biscuits of wholesome horse deuce (nice alliteration) clap noisily on the ground, and all these punks could do was turn their faces to avoid the little pellets of green and brown slop. CLASSIC! By now there was a strong crowd gathering, and everyone within a 5o meter radius was bent over in stitches laughing. SO BEST!

I just took my Jeep in to the shop to get some over due body work done from my little fender-bender last month. I'll be rolling all week in a beige Nissan Alti-worst. Look for me.

I was reading in the new People magazine today (instead of actually working) that MTV is rumored to be in talks with Brit-Brit and Kevin Feder-Wharf Rat about being the new Newlyweds. The original show, which featured Nick Lachey and wife, surprisingly had me watching every episode during season one. Before the show, I always thought Nick was such a freaking homo-douche bag, boy-band loser who didn't deserve to be married to America's most beautiful entertainer. Post season 1 reflection: Nick Lachey is a badass...Jess is quite the high-maintenance/whiny princess. Call it a hunch, but I don't forsee myself giving the same respect to ol' Kev. In a related story, Brit just cast the future wife-beater as her groom in the sure-to-be-shitty remake of Bobby Brown's "My Perogative". I can't wait.

Tiger Woods has been passed for the first time in 264 weeks (record) by The Cheater, Vijay Singh. After such a disappointing season, it comes as no surprise to me that Tiger has been ousted. I just was just hoping for Ernie to take the honors, and definitely not bitch-tits Phil the Spill, who albeit does still hold the number one slot for hottest wife on tour. schmears.

Today's new Sports Illustrated ranks the Cowboys last in the NFC East??? Are you kidding me? How does Washington rank above the D? Horseshit.

Sadly, friends, I have books to be bobvs'd upon. So becks.

But first, it's time to sleep off that chicken fried steak I had for lunch. mmmm...

Remember Topanga from Boy Meets World??? (don't pretend like you don't)

All-Star Weekend, yo!

2004-09-06T15:42:00.000-07:00

Holy shitballs kids. What the hell happened this weekend? I will enlighten you with several stories involving poor decisions and OOC times(not The OC, skunkstripe!). This weekend was badazz, thanks to everyone who came out and celebrated my last weekend of freedom.

Friday Night :
A.Parks, Harshaw, and Matty Kerins all came in from out of town for the rooftop blowout party. But, lets be honest, we had a few TMFB's (tasty mutha eff'in bevy's) prior to arriving at The Heights. We had 'dinner' at The Loon, notorious for destroying people's nights/lives. We ordered a few coffee cups full of Jäger (apparently we didn't learn our lesson last time) and choice cocktails (g/t, bourbon and a 'splash' of coke) and had some siick catching up to do. Scottland Dub - "I can't take this shot, I am driving -- I will have a vodka tonic, please". From there we went to the G-Gallery to view "The Artiist's" work. The best part of the G-Gallery visit was being greeted with the instrumental version of "I'm a slaaave for you". Neptunes, best band ever -- hands down, according to the Artiist.
A rundown of all the 'best things' - according to the Artiist.

-Best Bar Evs: The Loon, hands down
-Best Band Evs: N.E.R.D, hands down
-Best City Evs: San Fran, hands down
-Best Drink Evs: G/T, hands down
-Best Place to Throw-up: JägerMonster's Sink, hands down

From the G-Gallery we headed to the rooftop fiesta, where the number of gay men outnumbered us 100 fold. While this might have been an uncomfortable situation, we made the best out of it by having several beers and enjoying the Dallas Skyline - dripping with hottness. The quote of the party by K.Harshaw, "Fratty.net - that shit is soo gay", while surrounded by 10 gay men. Nice move ace. After getting blown-up Patty-J. stizz, by A. Brown (who works for my dad) - we decided to head to the "Idle Hands"- as A.Parks calls it. Several drinks later, two people promised me they were going to throw-up that night, amazingly neither one of them did. Congrats, I'm sorry! Everyone passed out around 4:30am, and one person had a wedding at 8:30am - sucked for him. schmears.

Saturday: filled with telling stories and participating in a modified Uptown-Olympics.

Maguire's M-Grille - Who made sticks?
The Dresden
Manhattan Bar
Severine's Martini Bar - Did I really play 'The Scientist' on the piano? Jeez.
TABC

My liver is hurting - but it will be on vacation for awhile, for rilz.

NCAA Football - total boring weekend - no upsets whatsoevs.
Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Shampoo - heaven.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - my newest favorite show. Check out them tee's.

Tomorrow I start work - not sure on the frequency of posts from here out. I trust Charlie Murphy will continue to bring you wit and buzz. It has been a ride, hasn't it?

Now on to Stick-Procurement!!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. bobvs.

Blog All Over Those Tee's

2004-09-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

The truth must be told. I am a rock star - maybe not musically or drug related, but definitely by lifestyle. You see - the JägerMonster graduated from college last May and hasn't started his job yet. The break has been tight titties, but I am in need of paychex, Affleck stizz. The people in my apartment complex think I am a trust fund baby, but soon enough I will join the ranks of millions of Americans in the workforce. Because of 'work' I will be unable to:

Drink every night
Go to bars every night
Stay up till 3am every night
Bobvs on tees every night
Wake up an noon every day

Adjustments will be made - but I will overcome.

Wurst way to wake up? Walking into the living room and finding your roommate watching this. MISERABLE!

Bestest Lohan site I have seen in awhile. Anyone else counting down the days till this? I sport her entire collection.

Give me an eph'ing break. Who would pay $75 for that shit? The only Paris Hilton collection I want to be a part of is her 'greatest hits' - if you know what I am saying.

Tonight promises to be one of the best parties of the year. We have a rooftop party that looks out on the Dallas Skyline. Can you say schmears?

The clan:
GoogleCV
Hoffman
T2
A.Parks (Ah ha, hush that fuss everybody move to the back of the bus!)
Charlie "eff'in" Murphy
Scottland Dub
Harshaw'd
Kelly Eich.
Aus10
ect.

Gonna be Übertigs.

Next week will be filled with more buzz - I promise! Stay tuned.

I cook -- I clean -- I bobvs on tees. Aside from my alcohol problem(s), I make the ideal husband.

You Don't Know the Struggle, Man

2004-09-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

So I was awoken this morning at 6:45 by my roommate, who, in a quasi-panic alcoholic haze, forgot I shaved a mo-hawk into his head last night (he so asked for it). Unfortch, he totally forgot about it until he was faced staring down a man sporting a patch-work sheep style mo-hawk and red eyes. I couldn't help but laugh for like 15 minutes straight, and then got really pissed for waking up 30 minutes early, hung over no less. Could have really used that extra sleep. Rough morning.

Looks like I'm off to party with Jagermonster (natch), Venus, Scotty Dub, GoogleCV and crew in the Big D, rooftop stizz. Already placed my order for the translucent green bottles featuring my favorite alcoholic animal (supposedly already in the freezer and ready to be drawn from). The Uptown weatherman is calling for showers late-night (comprised mainly of barf). If you're planning on traveling near the intersection of State and Allen, be sure to bring your umbrella, as you might be sprinkled upon with heave (of alcohol poison and bulemia origin...after all...we're only 5 miles from SMU campus). Tees are sure to be bovs (and possibly barfed) upon. Hey man...I'm just trying to live.

Thanks in advance to the girls of 2464 Worthington for the hospitality...Christine, you're the best! (robvs) By the way, I LOVE Belgian Waffles (but will settle for taquitos).

Three day weekend could be detrimental...here's to being alive on Tuesday morning. May Labor Day bless you with a stomach full of beef and Guinness (and a relatively painless exit).

Cheers!

Chivas Christ!

2004-09-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

This is the Chivas Life! Last night was a hell of a time, one of the best I have had since last week. Chivas was opened and Chivas was consumed. Scotch tastings are the tits. Thanks to all who went -- Scottland, Casual Quail Hunter, K-Bob, Erin, GoogleCV, T2. I looooooooooooooooove Scoooooooootch!

Last night started out with some choice adult cocktails : Chivas on rocks, Chivas & Ginger, and Chivas Apple Martini's. Just when we thought our luck couldn't get any better we were led into a ballroom where each of us was seated with 5 shots of scotch in front of us. Our host was a drunk Scottish bagpipe player who has made his living the last 18 years by drinking whiskey. Could be the best profession evs. He was very entertaining and enlightened us about the process of making scotch. It was tigs. Chivas Regal 18 year - fuuuuuuuuueeeeee.

As parting gifts they gave each one of us a bottle of 12 yr Chivas Regal. These people know how to throw a party.

After departing - we drove a block to The Idle Rich on McKinney Ave. Any bar that serves Hoegaarden is good in Scottland's book. Debauchery ensued.

Tonight mark's the opening night of Aggie Football - or the start of another losing season. Hey I like A&M just as much as the next guy, but I just don't have faith in our program. Solution? Bring back Bear Bryant from the grave - than we might have a chance, Junction Boys stizz. Howevs, my friends have insisted that Reggie is much more mature this year, whatever that means. If anyone is in Dallas - we will be at the Knox Street Bar - enjoying $2 MillerLites all night long.

"Just because you fuck a felon, it doesn't make you a felon" - Scottland Dub after 5 glasses of Scotch. I have no further explanation at this time.

So Kobe got off. I actually feel sorry for the dude. I mean he went through a lot of shit this past year with the press, fans, and his family (which he probably deserved). As predicted last July - the 'accuser' was after him for fame and money - that is the only logical explanation. Hopefully all the bad vibe towards Kobe will wear off and people will realize that the kid can shoot.

"Is there any tits in this movie" - Jamieson Ryan, prior to watching The Passion.

Apparently the best way to get over Brit-Brit is to make out with a tranny for hours on end. That's right - Brit's ex-beau was spotting making out with a tranny at a nightclub. Not exactly his finest moment(s). If I ever get that wasted where I even talk to a tranny -- someone beat the shit out of me. so obvs.

Drinking urine is the new eating an apple. Say good-bye to sinus trouble, grey hair, and cancer. So sicks.

Don't hurt yourself tonight - it is only Thursday and it is going to be a looooong weekend.

"By the beard of Zeus!"

2004-09-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Do you smell that? A smokey green haze strong enough to choke Tommy Chong is about to occupy Zilker Park in Austin 15 days from now. The epic Austin City Limits Festival, embraced by gentle credit card hippies everywhere, has Charlie Murphy's lacrimal glands wetting themselves like a 30 year old woman on Zestra. Medeski Martin & Wood, G-Love, Trey Anastasio, Drive By Truckers, Gomez, Bob Schneider (BEST), Jack Johnson, Elvis Costello, The Roots, Toots (reggae original), My Morning Jacket, Old 97's, MOFRO (met them...straight from Bonnaroo), Monte Montgomery have my personal approval of hottness. Check them out.

Note to dumbass store clerk: There is no such thing as a $200 bill. Nor is there any type of currency with G-Dub's face on it. Honestly...people never cease to amaze me. (see above pic)

Holy Zell! Senator Miller's speech last night...wow. This Republican National Convention is heating up man. G-dub to deliver the keynote speech tonight, rodeo stizz. He specifically requested no podiums, and a "bull-pen" style circle in the middle of MSG. Unprecedented...let's see how it works.

Did you honestly think Kobe even had a chance of serving time in Colorado? Come on...you should know by now...professional athletes are above the law. (i'm not saying he didn't do it, i'm just saying i never doubted his innocence).

China, seriously, don't let the communist regime keep you from getting yours! (albeit by yourself). The porn crackdown - led by Information Minister WANG XuDONG. Irony? Es possible!

Fat Lip - What's up Fat Lip? download it.

Dude, Florida can't seem to catch a break these days. Hurricane Frances (that BITCH!) is headed for the east coast, legs spread as wide as Texas. Batten down the hatches and stay safe out there.

Skunk Stripe called me again last night. She was all "I want to come over tonight" and I was all "Listen...shit that happens at the lake, stays at the lake". Donkeyboatshoes knows what I'm talkin' bout.

Geez...effing lame-o day. I reckon I'll start packing for this weekend. Headed to Austin for a little culture. Disc golf, mountainbiking, wakeboarding (hyperlite stizz), and 6th street beckon my call. Floating the Guadeloupe (or Guad-a-poop) river on Sunday. And by floating I mean passing out in my tube via Jager IV drip. Aquasocks are still cool, right?

Let's hope Coach Fran can bring one home for the Ags tonight (or at least score enough to cover the 9.5 point spread for daddy!)

I'll leave you with this Brit-Brit sideboobage (oh fuuuuuuhhhhhh) to make up for the total lack of buzz today.

"I'm Naaaaaaationwide"

2004-09-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

Straight from the lips of ZZ top (if you can find them hidden in that facial bird's nest). Seriously...huge thanks to Uncle Grambo (www.whatevs.org stizz) for all of the helpful input/advice/recognition recently. Like Sacajawea to Lewis and Clark, you have navigated us through this dense forest known as the blog-o-sphere. We owe you, godfather. RESPEC'!

So much hott dripping out of my orifices.

Okay, i'll admit it...i'm a Real World fan. I have no qualms about sitting and watching a whole marathon on a Sunday afternoon while avoiding the books. But it was bound to happen...they have run out of cool cities in America to host the show. Come on...Philadelphia? I know they have professional sports teams and all, but this year's cast is getting screwed.

Ipods...I'm over them. Who really wants to carry around a large, white rectangle with white headphones anyway? Check out the new Sony Network Walkman. Real clean.

Did any of you catch the GOP convention last night? So titties. Ahhhnold was in straight Commando form. You just knew he was going to throw out all sorts of one-liners from previous movies. My fav: "Stop being economic GIRLY-MEN." Partisanship aside, you have to love him for what he's worth (awesome jokes!). I must admit, though, I was expecting a larger range of previous movie quotes (commando, kindergarten cop, BATMAN 3!!!) Left me somewhat unsatisfied. Bush Twins: One is smart and classy, and the other one is Jenna. But for real, I'd love to party with her sometime. The Austin rumor mill has filled me with super fantasies over the past 4 years.

So long Kilby...you will be missed tremendously.

What is this world coming to when "NOW MUSIC 16" replaces Ashlee Simpson (so hot, yet so no-talent ass clown) as the number 1 selling album in music this week. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Doesn't everyone in the world own an effing CD burner by now?! Seriously...I think they give that shit away in cereal boxes.

I have been watching the Texas Rangers religiously since I was a wee lad, and for once I thought we had a shot at making the playoffs this year. Looks like my hopes are dwindling as the game count grows fewer. Problems sound hauntingly familiar: Best-in-league offense meets underachieving pitching. Chan Ho Park...some say worst deal to hit Dallas since Shawn "The Praying Mantis" Bradley. EFFFFFFFFFFF!

"Which A-Rod would you rather be: Alex Rodriguez or Andy Roddick?" Interesting question posed by Sportscenter this morning. Do you mean pre or post Mandy Moore breakup, because I would totally live life Groundhog Day stizz if it's pre. (obvs)

The administration at Texas Tech out in Lubbock, Tx must be beside themselves after learning that Bobby Knight may have a deal in the works for a sitcom based on his life. Although they do say any publicity is good publicity. Pretty skeptical...I'll be checking it out, regardless.

Carly Patterson...is it just me or is she kind of a camera hog?

Tara Reid is the new ______ (insert trashy, burnt out young female B-list celebrity here).

Picked up the new Drive By Truckers cd yesterday (The Dirty South). So best. Already owning Decoration Day and Southern Rock Opera, my anticipation was met with much delight after the first listen. Can't wait to listen again.

You know how you always hear about kids with weird-ass names penned by their parents. And I'm not talking Apple or KoKo. For instance, one time I heard a story of a friend of a friend of a friend (you know how that goes) who's name was Oranjello...supposedly concocted from Cosby's favorite snack. (orange + Jello). Crazy. Anyway...today at my place of work (medical in origin), this woman brings her daughter in. Her name: Toshiba! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who would do that to their kid?! Way to be original mom. For the love. Now your kid is going to have a complex by the age of 13. I would be changing that shit, pronto.

And finally, for weeks I have had friends trying to convince me to jump on the deodorant body spray bandwagon. I finally caved in and purchased a can of the Old Spice "Red Zone" spray, because the AXE effect wasn't doing it for me (seriously...they all smelled bad to me). I must say...I am somewhat pleased...I wear scrubs all day, and this is the perfect solution to smelling fresh without me having to waste my slightly more expensive cologne (does Aquavelva count?).

Alright...I'm off to the ole Kroger, because I just received their flyer in the mail, and they have avacados 4 for $1. Eat that shit like apples. I apologize for the late buzz, but school and work kept me at bay all afternoon.

Until next time....

It's Getting Hott In Here!

2004-09-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

Can you SAAAAAY Shara-Hottness?

She isn't getting uglier - I swear. I, like many Americans was glued to the tele last night watching Maria sweat it out again someone less talented - and by less talented I mean she was fugly. She wasn't bringing the goods I was looking for on the court. In the end - hottness prevailed - as it should. Let's hope Maria has another Cinderella story at The Open, much like Wimblebest.

In totally unrelated news, Hurricane Drew blew through Dallas yesterday. Don't run over to weather.com to see pictures of the damage. The damage done was mostly to livers and credit cards. All I can really say is that Ol' Crowe whiskey - so shits.

Apparently The Gingerman has a new beer on tap. It's called VTL. (SFW). It was in high demand last night as 3 were spotted in less than 10 minutes. robvs all over them t-backs.

"It's not so much me as it is Roenick, he's good." In an interview with ESPN yesterday, Jeremy Roenick admitted that he has placed several bets (totaling over $100 G's) on various sporting events. He also claims that he has never placed a single bet on hockey. If you ask me it sounds like booze and blow are involved, but that can be neither confirmed nor denied -essentially I just made that up. Roenick - you got the hair to be Pete Rose, let's hope you don't actually become Pete Rose or your days of being a hero on Nintendo's 'Blades of Steel' will be over.

The producers of "The Late Late Show" have lined up four guest hosts to fill the void left by former host Craig Kilbs. Making the cut are Michael Ian Black, D.L. Hughley, Amy Sedaris, and JIM ROME! Many people know that I have been a clone for quite some time. I used to listen to Romey everyday in College Station - it would make my day/year if he did in fact get the 'late-late' job. Best of luck, from the Jungle. (via whatevs.org)

And finally - don't wait up for me tonight kids. I have a Chivas Regal tasting event tonight at The Crescent. Fair enough! Thank you GoogleCV for the invite!

Stay bobvs people.

We Will Become Silhouettes

2004-08-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

Right back at ya kids! Another day of more buzz than your tees can handle. By the end of it all you will be dripping with bobvs, I tell you. We are gonna take over this world - one blog at a time, natch.

Only thing worse than preseason football - the Pro Bowl - schmears. Entertainment value = 0. Who wants to watch 2nd and 3rd stringers for more than like 2 minutes? You won't find that person in this house.

Deion 'Prime-Time' Sanders to play for the Ravens! Give me an eff'ing break. Yet another sad example of when an athlete does not realize that he should stay retired, MJ stizz.

You question our patois? Well it is in the dictionary. Which means it is tigs - obvs.

Let me ask you - how do you feel about Jessica Beal being in Maxim? I am for it. She is my summer caaaaaaatch - bobvs all over them.

If I was a locksmith I'd be pimping that out - I'd be like 'tell you what I'll trade you - a free key duplication.'

Turning your late husband into a diamond is the new - no it's just fuckin sick.

The Passion of The Christ came out on DVD today - Spoiler - Jesus dies.

Getting rid of Gmail invites is harder than expected. I have 2 left - any takers?

Matt Damon's uncle becomes the oldest dude to swim 'The Channel'. How do you like dem apples? (via Thigh Master)

Carly Patterson is the new Amanda Bynes - so much hottness and so much potential.

Time for me to catch some UV's and get some serious PT action.

It hardly seems fair we'd get the universe all to ourselves, but on a personal level I'm highly disturbed by the thought of extraterrestrial life. If there are, in fact, billions of other civilizations, where does that leave our celebrities? If worth is measured on a sliding scale of recognition, what would it mean if we were all suddenly obscure? How would we know our place?

Best of luck to Scottland Dub and The Silent Assassin - bobvs all over that CPA exam.

"So I made her the queen of my double-wide trailer"

2004-08-31T10:41:00.001-07:00

Sammy Kershaw said it best...

Britney, honey, you need to wear your shoes in the parking lot. Didn't mom ever tell you not to walk around on the streets bare-footed? I bet your back alley trash, home-made meth lab fiance will lick those dogs tonight regardless (okay...so i would consider it).

Speaking of, if any of you subscribe to GQ magazine (which i highly recommend), flip to the last page. It is an open letter from the magazine to the pop princess. So funny. Direct excerpt: "You know how bad it's gotten, Britney? Here's who's hotter than you: Hoobastank." OUCH! Well...at least you know it's only up from here, because it certainly doesn't get any worse than Hooba-Suck. POSERS.

G-Dub...you've got some unbelievable supporters in the ranks (NSFW-not suitable for work!) Will they be appearing this week at the convention???

Dallas Cowboys...strong showing last night. Despite his age, old man Vinny looked like he was....well...35 at the MOST! Damn fine performance. And how about Keyshawn? I don't care how he runs his mouth. If he continues to play like that, he can talk all he wants to. Unfortunate schedule for Da Boys though. Finished a game last night, and have to turn around and play Thursday night. All the better for me though...Aggies on ESPN (might be scary), and Cowboys on ABC. A sixer of Guinness and some Wings should round off a perfect evening (i would have added the company of a girl...but i said a wanted a perfect night).

Seriously, people, stop picking on Paul Hamm! That guy is going to commit suicide if this shit goes on any longer!

anywiz, gotta get caught up on some reading...possible update to come. NATCH!

"Sounds like someone has a case of the MUNDAYS"

2004-08-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

Alright bitches, let’s get dirty.

Get your nasty little cabbage smelling hands back, The Murph has hott o’ plenty to go around.

I have a beef with Mcdonald's (no pun intended). Whatever happened to those badass commercials with Ronald Mcdonald prancing around a frozen lake, or fat-assed Grimace waddling around singing of Big Macs and special sauce? And let’s not forget the eternal Hamburglar (personal fav). I saw perhaps the shittiest Mcdonald's commercial today…some douche-bag office rat (of Rob Schneider Saturday Night Live origin) is talking about his oh-so-tasty new chicken strips, throwing out all sorts of shitty one liners. Or how about the ad with the inner city brothas playing basketball on rollerblades? Are you kidding me? First of all, which African American (inner city no less) do you know who owns a pair of rollerblades? Let alone enough to fill both sides of a basketball court. And please, you can’t freaking dunk with that shit on. What, is the iron only 7 feet tall? I mean...is it me, or is Mcdonald's pretty much done? Due to a worldwide obesity epidemic (which I’ve had the luxury to write several twenty page papers on thanks to my life as a public health grad student), people are starting to eat healthy. In response, Mickey Deez (NUTZ!) decides to offer, get this, healthy happy meals! Contents include salad, bottled water, and a pedometer. “Mommy, can we stop by Mcdonald's so I can get one of those salad happy meals?!” SHYAAH!

Sportscenter…it’s seen better days. I’m talking Kilby, Steiner, Olberman, Mayne. You remember those days. “JUMANJI!” “EN FUEGO!”. Non stop laughs to supplement my daily regimen of sports. Not only is ESPN erroneously trying to make Sportscenter more professional, they are desperately trying to corner a piece of the reality tv market. I’m talking of course about “Dream Job”. I must admit, when I first heard about this concept…I was a bit excited. Zacharias (the badass-guitar playing-long hair wearing-unshaven-funny one line tossing contestant) was the obvious choice for the job. Right? Apparently not, as they selected the pussy ass, borderline homosexual Mike, who makes me want to run into a brick wall every time I see him on screen. Well, get ready, because Dream Job 2 starts in a couple of weeks. I can’t wait to see what lame-o, cookie cutter loser they employ next. Know that I will be pulling for Anish!

Note to self: the next time (or the first time) I decide to get in a fight with some jackass on Northgate (and I don’t mean break-dance fighting, NXNG stizz), I’ll make sure to size up his ears for my sake.

Listen now, hear me later. Quickest way to catch up on the B.A.C. meter when you are way behind in the count…drop a shot of vodkie in your Keystone Light. Seriously…'Stones and Skol…some say quickest route to barftown evs.

I am addicted to coffee. 4 travel mugs/day. Kidneys like the hoover dam.

Republican Convention: huge buzz. Former mayor Ed Koch…who knew the ole democrat was a switch hitter?! Seriously…did he used to play Grandpa on the MUNSTERS? By the way, did you see any of the protesting going on Sunday? What a joke! That wasn’t a protest…it was effing Mardi Gras on NYC. I saw more nasty whores without bras dancing around than I’ve ever witnessed in the Crescent City. Go home you credit card hippies. “THE BUMS LOST, LEBOWSKI!”

Music Tele Vision…lately (and by lately I mean for the past 6 years) I’d rather watch the Lifetime channel for women. Talk about going from cutting edge to corporate sell-out. The music they play on that channel (yeah…all 20 minutes of it) is a culmination of fake-angry, pseudo punk pre-teen kids who sing songs (all of which are pre-written for them) about life events which they've never had, nor ever will experience. Leading the list of losers is Good Charlotte. Hey…let’s get some devil-cult style tattoos, dye our hair, and have crazy piercings, yet we’ll sound like the chipmunks meet pop rock. Seriously…dress how you sound. At first glance, I would imagine some hardcore, Slayer style metal band. The way you sound, I should be digging skirts, training bras, and puma shoes out of your wardrobe closet. Don’t even get me started on Avril, Hillary Duff, New Found Glory, (insert shitty fake punk band here), etc. By the way…VMA’s…no buzz. Schmears.

The hockey world cup just started. Who effing cares. (go Stars!)

Well, apparently Mase is back. Didn’t take him long to realize there is no money in preaching. His rap is now focused and "squeaky clean”. Obviously why he signed with Bad-Boy records. Hmmmm…

Kevin Smith will soon be getting ready to shoot a sequel to Clerks. I couldn’t help but wince when I heard of a sequel to such a good movie. By the way, Kevin, in the future let’s do some work with someone other than Ben Affworst.

Going back to politics…the Dems are definitely winning the War On Music. Have you seen their line-up? Stellar! Pearl Jam (best!), The Boss, REM. G-Dub…seriously…is Brooks & Dunn, Kid Rock, and Michael W. Smith (what the fuck?) all you can muster up??!! Might have to attend the Donkey concert incognito. Oh wait…I am a white, twenty-something male from Texas. It would be dead giveaway. Note to self: start practicing fake yankee accent, wear black dress socks with tennis shoes, and don’t tan for 4 weeks.

Paris Hilton wrote a book. Okay…so she talked into a tape recorder and had a literate person transcribe it for her.

And finally, airlines are making an effort to make airline food more appealing to our palette. What was wrong with one-fourth of a coke and a roast-beast sandwich? (which was served on the last flight I’ve been on where a meal was served, roughly 10 years ago).

Until next time....

“I found a fatal flaw, in the logic of love, and go out of my head. You are the sinking stone, that will never be loved, so get used to the lonesome, you must atone some, don’t leave me no phone number there, la-de-dah.”
-the shins “a call to apathy”

Roofies and Pukies

2004-08-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

As usual, this weekend was filled with detrimental times to my body. I went from zero to supa-eff'ed in about 3 minutes. As my good friend Bob Monette(that's ME!) would say "I got TIP SIE ACED". Somehow all the shots,beer,licka,and insane dancing (which included ripping my shirt off) caused me to ralph all over TT's car door. So durst on my parts. Howevs, Saturday night was a hell of a time -- 70's stizz at the Tea Room. Shout out to Kim 'K-bob' Yerby - bobvs all over your birthday tees.

Hey Mom - I won Gold!!! (and didn't even get g-dubs!!!) According to Esspen, Durex donated 130,000 condoms and 30,000 tubes of 'lubricant'. Congrats to all the athletes who scored both on and off the field. I know if I were there (or b-marsh) I would be knocking on Courtney Kupet's or Carly Patterson's door. schmobvs all over those gymnast tees. It is GOOD to see these games are finally over, 16 days of unproductive behavior needed to cease.

In yet another poor move on his part, The Fez(deutsch bag) gives Lohan(goddess) a promise ring - Samford stizz. Who seriously does this anymore? no buzz.

VMA's? More like VMGAY's. Scottland and I forced ourselves to watch, but continually found ourselves switching channels begging to find something MORE entertaining than that crap. Once again, another un-delightful MTV production. Are we supposed to get excited about P-diddy and Urrrrsher fighting over who rented the biggest yacht? I will say that I chuckled when I saw the drummer for Jet - so best. Polyphonic spree - so wurst - duhvs.

If I were a betting man - and I am - I would bet that Jay-Z isn't 'retired'. I think he is going to pull an MJ and come back, like 6 times.

Someone seriously wrote a book about metrosexuality? If anyone buys this book you have too much disposable income, and our friendship is terminated - fobvs.

Also - if you waste $59.98 to buy the Apprentice - the complete first season, you are Übergay. The fact that someone rated it 5 stars is totally mind-boggling. These people should be saving their money and spending it on something useful. For rilz.

You guys are the tits and you know it....

Uh-Oh

2004-08-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

that's right...charlie murphy is plugged in, and everyone is invited (not you, skunk stripe!). big boy and i are delivering only the hottest to your pc, dominos stizz. i'll be tossing up input whenever i find the time...which, let's be honest, is almost every day. thanks college station.

my new roommate and i just went to goodwill in the station. i was dressed in polo shorts, a polo shirt, smiths tortoise-shell sunglasses (best), and birkenstocks. i felt real uncomfortable flying through the dress shirts looking for pearl snaps, right next to an older man who was shopping for a business suit. sidenote: i think i am going to purchase a leisure suit to lounge around the house in.

usa basketball...what a rimjob of a series. whoever is in charge of their operations has some serious homework to do. did you see the way argentina destroyed our b and c list players? horrible. hey, douchebags, how about fielding a couple of players who can shoot from the perimeter. for one time in my life i felt bad for allen iverson. and it lasted like 3 seconds. and except for larry brown, did anyone happen to see a white person on our sidelines? probably because every honky in the nba is eurotrash (or a canuck, ehh steve?).

i am a music snob. that said, here is a short list of hott bands i am listening to right now. download at your own risk. to be updated prn (that's medical shorthand for "as needed", biatch).
-The Shins (obvs)
-The Long Winters (so best)
-The Secret Machines (kind of pink floyd-meets-velvet underground)
-Helio Sequence
-Iron & Wine
-Phoenix
-Frou Frou (garden state)

bands to stay away from:
-polyphonic spree...seriously...don't jump on the bandwagon
-franz ferdinand
-creed

i'm sure i can think of many more...but i'm moving on.

i have started to notice that my beer gut is starting to peek over the top of my jeans. consequently, i am headed to beautiful lake bryan today to mountainbike my extra layer of orca fat off. seriously.

after dinner last night i drank a whole bottle of red by myself on our porch. effing relaxing. i rigged up some old shitty car speakers and mounted them on our fence right next to our little patio table. gypsy kings, a bottle of yellowtail shiraz-cabernet (cheap, yes, but good), and a couple of camel lights...best evening in weeks...barring last weekend at paradise.

okay...albeit short...that's all i have for now. saturday posts will be rare...but i had to get this ball rolling. catch me next time, when this crockpot of hottness is bubbling over with goodies. hopefully by then i will have had time to read up on linking and posting pics, because the murph knows you need to feed the monkey.

i leave you with this....

Coffee Cups Full of Jäger

2004-08-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last night started out as quiet, and by quiet I mean shots. Let me give you some advice - don't let your wasted friends talk you into going to the bar after they have been boozing for hours on end. Next thing you know I got talked into going to the infamous Loon, which apparently only pours triples for shots. Jäger was consumed - debauchery ensued.

We have only had our new apartment for just over a week and we already have 2 noise violations. To help combat this problem we have issued a rule that states you must take a breathalyzer test to enter our apartment after the hours of midnight. That rule was violated last night by Andrew "Paul Hamm" Jamison. Bastid. I don't want to get into finger-pointing, but we expect our 3rd noise violation shortly.

This weekend could be huge - If in Dallas lets make it happen. Keep being beautiful..bobvs.

I leave you with a quote from 'The Venis' - "Bowel movements won't go down." Who says that shit, schmears...

A new day - A new beginning

2004-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Dudes - what is really going on here? That is the question that gets asked alot when I am around. To answer it, finally, I will say this is the craziest/dumbest/most ridiculous thing I could possibly be doing. After talking about blogs with my friends for months, Charlie Murphy and myself have decided that we can bring you some of the best Piping Hot Content (via http://www.whatevs.org) the internet has to offer. We promise to bring you more NSFW posts than any other blog.

Can everyone please pray/cross their fingers for me. If we get lucky (which I am hoping for) -- we might have the hottest, most bestest neighbor evs. MBD kids. If you are thinking Road Rules you are on the right track, if you are thinking The Tap you are on the right track, if you are thinking fake tees you are on the right track. Scottland Dub has promised to 'bobvs all over the plastic' once they get settled.

For now it is time for some PT. The daddies are going to be floating on the rafts, drinks in hands, with good times to be had.

Must have back - fobvs.

I leave you with the bestest sideboobage evs....