Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Monday, August 30, 2004

"Sounds like someone has a case of the MUNDAYS"

Alright bitches, let’s get dirty.

Get your nasty little cabbage smelling hands back, The Murph has hott o’ plenty to go around.

I have a beef with Mcdonald's (no pun intended). Whatever happened to those badass commercials with Ronald Mcdonald prancing around a frozen lake, or fat-assed Grimace waddling around singing of Big Macs and special sauce? And let’s not forget the eternal Hamburglar (personal fav). I saw perhaps the shittiest Mcdonald's commercial today…some douche-bag office rat (of Rob Schneider Saturday Night Live origin) is talking about his oh-so-tasty new chicken strips, throwing out all sorts of shitty one liners. Or how about the ad with the inner city brothas playing basketball on rollerblades? Are you kidding me? First of all, which African American (inner city no less) do you know who owns a pair of rollerblades? Let alone enough to fill both sides of a basketball court. And please, you can’t freaking dunk with that shit on. What, is the iron only 7 feet tall? I mean...is it me, or is Mcdonald's pretty much done? Due to a worldwide obesity epidemic (which I’ve had the luxury to write several twenty page papers on thanks to my life as a public health grad student), people are starting to eat healthy. In response, Mickey Deez (NUTZ!) decides to offer, get this, healthy happy meals! Contents include salad, bottled water, and a pedometer. “Mommy, can we stop by Mcdonald's so I can get one of those salad happy meals?!” SHYAAH!

Sportscenter…it’s seen better days. I’m talking Kilby, Steiner, Olberman, Mayne. You remember those days. “JUMANJI!” “EN FUEGO!”. Non stop laughs to supplement my daily regimen of sports. Not only is ESPN erroneously trying to make Sportscenter more professional, they are desperately trying to corner a piece of the reality tv market. I’m talking of course about “Dream Job”. I must admit, when I first heard about this concept…I was a bit excited. Zacharias (the badass-guitar playing-long hair wearing-unshaven-funny one line tossing contestant) was the obvious choice for the job. Right? Apparently not, as they selected the pussy ass, borderline homosexual Mike, who makes me want to run into a brick wall every time I see him on screen. Well, get ready, because Dream Job 2 starts in a couple of weeks. I can’t wait to see what lame-o, cookie cutter loser they employ next. Know that I will be pulling for Anish!

Note to self: the next time (or the first time) I decide to get in a fight with some jackass on Northgate (and I don’t mean break-dance fighting, NXNG stizz), I’ll make sure to size up his ears for my sake.

Listen now, hear me later. Quickest way to catch up on the B.A.C. meter when you are way behind in the count…drop a shot of vodkie in your Keystone Light. Seriously…'Stones and Skol…some say quickest route to barftown evs.

I am addicted to coffee. 4 travel mugs/day. Kidneys like the hoover dam.

Republican Convention: huge buzz. Former mayor Ed Koch…who knew the ole democrat was a switch hitter?! Seriously…did he used to play Grandpa on the MUNSTERS? By the way, did you see any of the protesting going on Sunday? What a joke! That wasn’t a protest…it was effing Mardi Gras on NYC. I saw more nasty whores without bras dancing around than I’ve ever witnessed in the Crescent City. Go home you credit card hippies. “THE BUMS LOST, LEBOWSKI!”


Music Tele Vision…lately (and by lately I mean for the past 6 years) I’d rather watch the Lifetime channel for women. Talk about going from cutting edge to corporate sell-out. The music they play on that channel (yeah…all 20 minutes of it) is a culmination of fake-angry, pseudo punk pre-teen kids who sing songs (all of which are pre-written for them) about life events which they've never had, nor ever will experience. Leading the list of losers is Good Charlotte. Hey…let’s get some devil-cult style tattoos, dye our hair, and have crazy piercings, yet we’ll sound like the chipmunks meet pop rock. Seriously…dress how you sound. At first glance, I would imagine some hardcore, Slayer style metal band. The way you sound, I should be digging skirts, training bras, and puma shoes out of your wardrobe closet. Don’t even get me started on Avril, Hillary Duff, New Found Glory, (insert shitty fake punk band here), etc. By the way…VMA’s…no buzz. Schmears.

The hockey world cup just started. Who effing cares. (go Stars!)

Well, apparently Mase is back. Didn’t take him long to realize there is no money in preaching. His rap is now focused and "squeaky clean”. Obviously why he signed with Bad-Boy records. Hmmmm…

Kevin Smith will soon be getting ready to shoot a sequel to Clerks. I couldn’t help but wince when I heard of a sequel to such a good movie. By the way, Kevin, in the future let’s do some work with someone other than Ben Affworst.

Going back to politics…the Dems are definitely winning the War On Music. Have you seen their line-up? Stellar! Pearl Jam (best!), The Boss, REM. G-Dub…seriously…is Brooks & Dunn, Kid Rock, and Michael W. Smith (what the fuck?) all you can muster up??!! Might have to attend the Donkey concert incognito. Oh wait…I am a white, twenty-something male from Texas. It would be dead giveaway. Note to self: start practicing fake yankee accent, wear black dress socks with tennis shoes, and don’t tan for 4 weeks.

Paris Hilton wrote a book. Okay…so she talked into a tape recorder and had a literate person transcribe it for her.

And finally, airlines are making an effort to make airline food more appealing to our palette. What was wrong with one-fourth of a coke and a roast-beast sandwich? (which was served on the last flight I’ve been on where a meal was served, roughly 10 years ago).

Until next time....

“I found a fatal flaw, in the logic of love, and go out of my head. You are the sinking stone, that will never be loved, so get used to the lonesome, you must atone some, don’t leave me no phone number there, la-de-dah.”
-the shins “a call to apathy”


1 Comments:

  • Thank you guys so much for the entertainment. Fidelity has not yet learned how to block me from this site. Jagermonster that was some nice sideboobage...

    By Blogger barmaidblogger, at 9:17 PM  

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