Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Get busy livin....or get busy dyin.

Monday, September 25, 2006

"People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late."




Do you like to draw, paint, sketch, or doodle?
Then take this enjoyable art test!



I was watching Monday Night Football tonight (go Saints!), and saw the Wrangler Jeans commercial for the millionth time....the one with Junior sporting those horrible fake Oakleys with "The Boys Are Back In Town" playing in the background. I mean, really....do you think Dale Junior would be caught dead in a pair of Wrangler "relaxed fit" jeans? The dude has a stripper pole in the basement of his house. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be picking up shit in your Wrangler "makes your ass look like an empty grocery sack" jeans. But check out these Dale Junior Jean Shorts available at your local Wal-Mart. Nothing says "Nice Nascar Life" like Dale Junior Jorts. Now hand me an ice-cold Schaefer.




Apparently you can't buy a Falcons #7 jersey with "Mexico" (ala the Michael Vick herps incident) as the last name on it in the NFL FAN SHOP anymore. I'm tempted to buy some iron on letters from Academy.

I love Tony Cornheiser on MNF because he's not afraid to, in a matter of words, tell Joe Theisman to shut the fuck up, or belittle him on camera. Theisman is the ultimate beating when it comes to football announcers.


And how about Ed Hochuli scoreboarding all of the other refs tonight by wearing the XXSmall underarmor-esque referee jersey? I love that guy. I'm pretty sure his biceps are bigger than my thighs. By the way...he's an attorney when he's not doing football. I would hate to see him badger the witness.









I just ate 5/8 of a large Coal Vines pizza. Best pizza in Dallas. Seriously. On my way to a FUPA, Parcells stizz.









KVIL Asswhip Song of the Day: "I can only imagine" by who gives a shit.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Back By Popular Demand






Well...it's been a while. I know I said I would be better about posts...I really don't have an excuse...please don't break up with me. I heart you. With an arrow through it. Shot by cupid...who has a boner. Yesssssssssss.




I have recently picked up an item to aid in my blogging efforts...the Lenovo IBM Thinkpad. Best evs. I mean...blogging while watching The Hills = Bliss. Throw in the wireless router and you might never get me off of this beautiful mocha couch. Good thing I didn't opt for the clear plastic cover. Or maybe I should have......(wireless laptop....laying down on couch....bored...surfing internet....risque sites....mmmmmmmmmmm). Just don't ask me why I keep a towel under my sofa.



Speaking of The Hills...I'm not quite as addicted as I was to Laguna...but it still rings in as my number 1 spot for reality tv.

Things I miss from Laguna:


-Steeeepppphhhheeeeen and Kristin...their ever-so-twisted love triangle, and her tees.
-I miss Jessica's bounteous flapjacks.
-I miss hot Alex (blonde)
-I miss Lo
-I miss Laguna High. (tear)

Things I don't miss:
-Jason...I mean...really....LC...drop that sack of sticky douche and find someone else. That dude's beard is starting to make me itch. What a pussy. I think I heard they're still together. Wurst.
-The girl who was supposedly in beauty pagents...I think her name was Casey? Nice prom dress beautiful slut rag.
-Fat Alex.

They've basically replaced all of the hot girls with annoying, immature trustfund babies (Heidi), and countless chaches all recently moved to LA trying to "make it as an actor". Good luck...I hope you have a back-up plan. 1-800- BARTEND perhaps?



So I think I'm finally starting to recover from the Mavericks-Post-Gag-Playoff run. We've lost Marquis Daniels...which means I won't be getting second hand stoned from my 3rd deck seats anymore. KVH might be on his way out...not sure how I feel about it. I was a fan during the season...until he got hurt and started jacking up fruitless 3's without reservation. Shades of Antwoine Walker...and that shimmy. Brings back nightmares. Is just me or does he look like a scrawney George Forman with 13 year old girl saggy tits? Get a training bra under that jersey. Seriously. Hopefully Avery can whip them into shape and get them to "paaaassss the baaaawwwlll" more fluidly. (in my best Avery voice). And get Frankenstein (aka Cuban) behind the glass in a box on the upper level. I'm getting tired of seeing that aweful haircut/hightops/black jeans/leather mavericks bomber jacket. Mark...you're brilz but let's get it together.



I have eaten mexican food 5 out of the last 6 days. I always say I could eat mexican food (specifically Manny's Uptown...mmm...brisket tacos) every day for the rest of my life...but I think I might have overstepped my boundaries a bit. Let's just say my stomach and I aren't on the best of terms right now. I spent 45 minutes on the white seat last night with possibly the worst knotted up feeling in my stomach of my life....felt like Sonic the Hedgehog was cutting his patented razor flips all the way down from my duodenum to my large intestine...Sega stizz. I think it's nature's way of telling me I can't eat jalepenos anymore. Might have gone through half a box of wet wipes. I had to take stand up breaks like every 5 minutes to keep my lower half from going numb. Don't want to spawn a clot...you know?

There was a "suspiscious white powder" found in a letter sent to the NY times today. Here's a tip...it's coke....and I'd like it back. You'll find my return address in the upper left corner. Sorry...my hand got a little shaky when I wrote that.

It looks like Bruce Arena will be stepping down as the US soccer team's head coach. Maybe if you would have selected a single player over 5 foot 7, we could have been competitive. And someone call Tony Meola...that guy has to have a pair of goalie gloves lying around somewhere. Lets bring back that beautiful black pony tail for one more round of US soccer glory (sarcasm).

Pete Townshend announced he will be taking a break from 13 year old boys to re-unite with original Who band member Roger Daltry for a 16 date US tour later this year. I'm sure they'll bypass Texas altogether... but if not, look for this guy in the crowd jamming to Baba O'reilly and Eminence Front (Mavs Pre-Game Stizz). Huge.






"After yet another errant shot, Michelle Wie groaned and tugged her baseball hat down over her eyes. Nice try. There was no escaping the ugliness on her scorecard, though."

Classic. You might want to try winning on the LPGA tour before you even think about another PGA event. Maybe you'd have better luck on the Senior tour. And I'm pretty sure Lee Trevino would still kick your ass....Fighting Golf Stizz. (Circa 1988...pre Golden Tee...obvs). At least you have better boobs than Anika.







Wow...now that's irony. Please enjoy Coors Light responsibly, right Pete?







Justin...dude...musicians don't make good actors. Didn't you ever watch Glitter? Crossroads? Swept Away? Yeah...me either. Let's just stick to creating music that makes girls want to shake their good parts on the dance floor.


Okay, so one of my favorite bands of recent years has a new album out. You've seen them on Charlie Murphy's Hottness in the past. The band's name is The Long Winters. Their previous album, "When I Pretend To Fall" is one of my favorites of all time. That's a bold statement. Anyway...get that album, and then check out their new album "Putting The Days To Bed". Stream the new album here. So dripping.

I'm also buzzing on the new Thom Yorke album out...sans Radiohead, "The Eraser" which you can stream at http://www.radio-indie-pop.com/radio.php as the album of the month. Heard some negative buzz so far...mostly by mainstream reviewers....I give it a big thumbs up...but I've always thought he/they are brilliant. In the meantime, also check out the new Pearl Jam self titled cd, the new Snow Patrol "Eyes Open", and the new Phoenix album "It's Never Been Like That".

By the way...Zack Braff has a new movie coming out with a soundtrack that seams pretty tight. Problem is, ol Zack is a bit behind the times. Charlie Murphy approved artists featured on the new Braff "Last Kiss" soundtrack which have been featured on the Donkey Boner in the past 3 years include:

Snow Patrol
Athlete
Turin Brakes

The songs they picked for the soundtrack are pretty old...but good. Pretty good variety of good artists...a couple I don't really like. Anyway....just remember you heard some of them here first.

And with that I'm out to do a mountain of laundry. 4 loads. I'm on my last pair of underwear...which is like pair #6 or 7...unlike you girls out there who might own 36 different thongs...not including the granny panties. Ain't that right skunk stripe?




Don't change. Don't you ever change.

Charlie Murphy




Monday, July 18, 2005

I Am The Wizard of Ohh's and Ahh's and Fa-la-la's (no homo)

I won't make any excuses for my lack of posting. Instead, I will dive right into it. (nhjic)

Two new favorite restaurants in The D. Fireside Pies & Manny's. Delicious food, Delicious drinks.

While at Manny's during a recent "men's dinner" who did we see? That's right, Keyshawn.Was he wearing a real tight suit? No, rather he was wearing a throw-back George Gervin jersey -- sans undershirt. Is there anything less appealing than trying to eat Mexican food and being stunk out by Keyshawn's nasty ass BO? No sir.

Like most summers, I have attempted to get back into golf. I was lucky enough to recently play at the esteemed The Cowboy's Club. Even though it sounds like a stripper joint, I assure you it isn't. Best course in Dallas. Respect.

This is called a segway. Speaking of The Cowboys, does anyone listen to ESPN 103.3 during GAC? For some reason I am totally attracted to the Little Ball Of Hate's voice (Jennifer Floyd Engel). I made the mistake of looking up her picture on the internet. Don't judge a book by it's cover? Try, don't judge hottness by the sound of a voice.

Chicks dig the long ball (no homo). Some might say I am considered a "heavy user" when it comes to watching baseball. Is it just me, or is anyone else ready to give up on the Rangers already? After watching 45+ games this season, I have realized that so long as Hicks is 'the boss' - we are never going to win. I guess I can start looking forward to the NHL season. Wait..

While on the subject of baseball. Has there ever been a more annoying commentator than Chris "the boomer" (homo) Berman. Christ almighty, I was watching the Home-Run Derby last week and I got sick of listening to "back back back back back back back" when any ball was hit. On top of that, how annoying was it that anytime someone went yard he would say "Hello (insert Michigan city here)". Seriously. Worst. Ever.

I have heard enough of Tom Cruise lately to last me a lifetime. Fucking Hell.

New Death Cab For Cutie song (via Stereogum).Tasty.

Why is it that every time I go to the workout facilities at The Villas, the WB is on the TV? Who the hell watches One Tree Hill when they are working out? Seriously, if that is you turning that on, please stop. Really. Please stop.

So I went to the cafeteria of this client that I am working on Today, and I bought a Diet Coke. This chick rotten whore at the cash register gives me a $.50 piece as change. I was so stunned I couldn't even say anything. Hey babe, next time why don't you just fire me a Susan B. Anthony.

Splitting a fifth of crown before going to the bars. Some might say a completely under-rated way to getting completely shitcanned.

Finally saw Kill Bill Vol 2 on Saturday. Quentin Tarantino is amazing. (nhjic)

Have I mentioned how much I love The Grooming Room? If you aren't going there yet, you should reconsider.

I was floored the other day at work when I received an email from a co-worker who seriously wrote me a 10 paragraph (completely unnecessary) email about how the latest Coldplay CD is the greatest CD since August and Everything After. Now, I like Coldplay just as much as the next guy, but can you seriously rank this CD that high this soon? The CD is alright, but lets not get carried away here.

Getting Saturn Rockets shot at you - some might say the worst way to spend the 4th of July. That being said, sometimes you just have to ride it out.

Let me just preface this paragraph with a huge no homo. I must admit, I love the show Laguna Beach. I pine for LO and Kristen. I might even buy the 1st season on DVD. On top of that, I look forward to Season 2. I know everyone who is going to call me a fag-bar has obvs never seen the show. Fuck off.

While Laguna Beach is a quality MTV show, The 70's House is seriously the worst show they have ever come up with.

I must confess. I have reverted back to my childhood and become obsessed with popsicles again. Nothing sobers you up after a long night at the bar faster than an Original Bomb Pop.

While some people get depressed when they do not take broads home from the bar (read: Pricecube), I get depressed when D'wayne from the Whataburger drive-thru does not take my order at 2:15am on Friday's or Saturday's.

Idle Rich Pub - home of the prudest sluts in Dallas.

Pineapple drenched in Tu-Ah-Cah (see: Brunson Pronunciation) - not a delectable dessert.

In hindsight, I probably should have gone to the wedding.

Done and Done.


-JM

Monday, July 11, 2005

Wait...(The Whisper Song)


"You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt
Do it up slappin ass cuz the sex gets rough
"
-Ying Yang Twins

Wow. And I thought "my neck, my back" was filthy. Regardless, there's nothing better than "The Whisper Song" to grind some fat girl late-nite at the Knox Street Pub. For Rilz. Thank you Ying Yang Twins for almost getting me into a situation I would most undoubtedly regret the next morning. Take a look at the rest of these lyrics by the way. No doubt somewhere in heaven Billy Shakespear is shedding a tear.

Speaking of bars, I'm over the Idle Rich Pub for a while. I would be completely done if it weren't for Donna taking care of us. Otherwise we'd be waiting in line for over an hour to get drinks like the rest of them. Last night I must have waited for honestly 20 minutes at the front bar while some frat-tastic choach behind the bar made sure to serve every girl first as if that would help him and his American Eagle hat get laid. Enjoy this quarter tip, fuckrag. You're lucky I don't like to carry change.

The only thing spreading faster across America than Ron Mexico's herpes is The Asshole Dance, a la Jamison Merril. Simply stand as erect as possible, place both hands on hips in a perfect triangle, and sway your hips side to side in as gay of a manner as possible. It's the perfect dance for any song. Hip-hop...go at a medium pace. Techno....speed it up a bit. Country, imagine a willow tree flowing in the breeze. Now you've got it!!! Try it tonight!


Boardshorts are the new boxers. Just ask Scotty Dubs.


I had a Pottery Barn Gay Out last week. Among Items purchased was a Duvet Cover (cringe) for my new down comforter, pillows for my couch, and end table, and a magazine basket. Still trying to bend my wrists upwards...this one might take a while.

So I work for a dentist in downtown Dallas while I'm applying to dental school. Biggest downfall of working in a medical office....soft rock. KVIL is the station of choice in our office. So, in it's honor, I'll keep a running tally of the best and worst songs recently heard on your favorite station for the 70's, 80's and 90's.
Best Song of this Week: London Beat "I've Been Thinkin' About You"
Wurst Song of this Week: Pat Benetar "Harden My Heart".
I'd rather hear someone rubbing the shit out of styrofoam.

Have you ever accidentally wiped your ass with your dress shirt thinking the toilet paper was on top? Oh yeah....me either. But I do know someone who recently managed to diarrhea on his back. The sheer logistics seem mind boggling...but I have been assured its true. "My upper lip was sweating."

I realized it's been ages since I've last posted, but please cut me some slack. It's almost impossible to find time while working full time and taking Human Gross Anatomy and Physiology in summer school. You can bet that when my school ends on August 1st, we'll return to regular postings to keep your palate 0h-so-whet while you slave away at work.


The Rangers were off to a terriffic start this season...and then the inevitable caught up with them. You can't continue to win on a patch-work pitching staff. Hey Tom Hicks, how about investing some money in a set-up man or two. We've got the bats, now get a bullpen. And I don't mean Brian Shouse or John Wasdin. Thank the Lord we ran Ryan Drese and Pedro Astacio out of town. Worst evs.



I love Whataburger, as do the rest of us. But sometimes you have a night when you're too blotto'd to drive, and the only rides available are with girls who are watching their figure (unless you luck out and she's bulemic). Well, my friend, there is now a backup plan available in your grocer's freezer. A sort of "break glass in case of emergency" if you will. The Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuit sandwich. Unbelievably close to the coveted Whataburger equivalent. They come in boxes of 6. I wouldn't recommend eating 3 in one sitting like I did. Throw these bad boys in the oven, not the microwave, for best results.

This dude jumped his skateboard over the Great Wall of China. I used to be able to Ollie like at least 4 inches. On my Variflex. Never bought the Vision Street Wear gear though. Mom wouldn't go for that. Instead I skated tough in my O.p. and Morrey Boogey. Jams.

Lots going on in the world of music these days. In case you had your head up your ass, Pink Floyd reunited with the original band members last weekend at Live 8. It was an unbelievable concert/event/fundraiser....but come on. Pink fucking Floyd with Roger Waters. The dude's voice is still great and solo's haven't skipped a beat. I had goosebumps for the solid 20 minutes or so until MTVurst CUT TO A COMMERCIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF COMFORTABLY NUMB. Seriously...what a crime. You have to show them in their entirety. What a bunch of morons running that station. Anyway....check out this link...this guy has every performance of every city during the whole event. Pretty good resource. Some great performances. How about Richard Ashcroft coming out with Coldplay to sing "Bittersweet Symphony" Pretty tight.

ACL is almost upon us. I just bought my ticket last month for a wallet burning $125. Huge lineup this year though...totally worth it. So many good shows. I can almost smell the weed and hippie B.O.

Catch me Saturday the 16th at the Galactic Concert @ the Gypsy Tea Room. Should be a badass show. Also catch the North Mississippi Allstars at the same place on the 24th. Possibly David Garza on the 28th.






What I've been listening to:
Beck Guero
Ben Folds Songs for Silverman
White Stripes Follow Me Satan Gorillaz Demon Days



Coolest nickname ever: Styles (a la Teen Wolf)
I'll go ahead and put that one out there for adoption.





And with that I'm off to eat a nice meal of food. More to come soon. I promise.

Don't Change.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

"I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."



"Mexicans love The Dallas Cowboys, Bud Light, and Looney Tunes...especially the Tazmanian Devil" -The Gabe

Well...I attended my first death metal concert over the weekend. The Dubs and I braved the Slipknot concert on Saturday night. Much to my surprise...it was not as miserable of an experience as I had thought. Not so much because of the music...we'll get into that in a second. I got more laughs out of those four hours than any re-run of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge as of late. Let's start with the obvious...Mullets were in full force. Conventional mullets, mexi-mullets, skullets, terribly dyed red and black mullets. It was a collection of bad coifs that hair queen Kyan from Queer Eye would have jacked off to all week. And I've never seen so many pairs of JNCO's in my life. I almost felt bad for some of these guys...wearing black lipstick and too much eyeshadow. It makes you wonder where along these kids' lives did it all go wrong? I'm sure it stems from too much late night sneaky uncle as a child, or possibly overbearing parents. Regardless...it provided for hours of viewing pleasure. The opening band was called Lamb of God. A collection of the most embarrassingly terrible music I've ever heard in my life. I mean, I could easily put on a black t-shirt, write some lyrics about how I hate life, and mumble unrecognizable lyrics into a microphone and sound way better than these ass-clowns. Slipknot was a more visually appealing show. They seem to have a bit more talent than anyone else I've heard of that genre (which is a stricktly limited list). They're still no Pantera.

On the other hand, I have been able to catch a few quality shows over the past couple of weeks. Ambulance LTD played at Trees a couple of weeks back. Great show...although I have no idea why they were opening for The French Kicks and not the other way around. Ambulance is a much better band. French kicks were pretty bush league in my opinion...but maybe they were just having a bad night. The next week I caught Dogs Die in Hot Cars opening for Phoenix. Both being on my top 10 list of bands for the past year...felt quite lucky that they decided to swing through Dallas (a la South by Southwest). Fucking great show by two brilliant bands. If you've never checked them out, I highly recommend both bands. And just last week, caught The Decemberists at Trees. Another great show. I may or may not have fallen in love with the hot violin player. So hot. And when she sang lead on this one song she wrote, I was mesmerized. Download/Buy/Itune all three bands to get a leg up on some of these cutting edge indie acts.

I saw Woody Allen's "Melinda and Melinda" last night. Great movie (and great performance by Will Ferrell). I thoroughly enjoyed it...best movie I've seen since Sideways. But don't forget to bring your 9 mil or a rape whistle to the movie if you're in Dallas, because the only theater currently showing it in the city is the off Haskell and 75. Definitely not Tinseltown.
Lowes City Place



Word on the street is Michael Vick has got the HERPS. MMMMMmmmNasty. According to the 26 year old accuser Sonia Elliot, he used the so-dirty-yet-so-titties alias "Ron Mexico" when getting tested for the Simplex Deux. I think I might adopt that one. The name, not the herps.



Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning author of one of my favorite books "Henderson the Rain King" passed away this week. What's the deal with all of these famous people dying lately?

I've been spending some quality time with my "on again, off again" friend Levi Garrett. You might know him. If you don't, allow me to introduce you sometime. He's been most recently spotted hanging out at some high profile Dallas Socialite hotspots such as The Old Monk. A true friend who will never do you wrong, Levi knows how to pick you up when you most need it.

The Lakers are out of the playoff race, and I couldn't be happier. Unlike marriage, Kobe can't buy his way out of this one. Let's hope Phil Jackson doesn't head back to LA next year. He would be crazy not to coach Baby MJ with the Cavs.

I like you

In today's white trash news, Britney and her herpe of a husband -Federwurst- are set to star in a new WB reality show together, Newlyweds stizz. Says Britney, "I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened rather than all the stories, which have been misconstrued by journalists in the past." So...you're saying that little FUPA action is not a baby but the product of a cheetoh/redbull overindulgence?

Whataburger: Best Breakfast Food Evs. But look out...The Burger King is trying to steal Charlie Murphy's heart4 stomachs away with this mouth-watering donkey sized breakfast hoagie. It's a good thing BK isn't open late-night, or else I might be investing in my very own AED. Kudos to the funny yet creepy advertising campaign though.




Looks like I've got my weekend already planned out, and it involves beer, a television, and dimpled balls. Not your dad's scrotum, Skunkstripe. I'm referring only to the greatest sporting event known to gentlemen around the nation. The Masters. Let's hope for an exciting last round finish on par with the Tiger/BitchtitsPhil battle at Doral this year. Schmears.

I'll leave you with this Mitch Hedberg quote to get you through the day...

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."