Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Geez



Sorry friends. The Murph took a longer than anticipated hiatus (thanks to rediculous internet prices and a transition pay period). I won't even waste any more precious time on apologies. Let's get dirty.

I don't think I'll even begin to re-cap anything prior to this past week. The only thing really worth bragging about was my birthday (NATCH)...started off with seven shots of the Jag in 20 mins...obvs. Got a little bit sideways...though lung butter was contained.

Speaking of Sideways...eff the Academy for not nominating Paul Giamatti or Jim Carrey for Oscars this year in their respective roles. Absolutely redonkulous. At least Michael Shrek Moore didn't get a Best Picture nod for his shitty-ass documentary.

Oh yeah...somehow along the way I picked up a Master's Degree. I've seen enough 30 page papers to last me a lifetime. Hopefully.

I am finally back in Dallas. This means I can now:

1. Watch the Mavs/Rangers/Stars(well...maybe next year) instead of the fucking Rockets/Astros
2. Look at girls and not feel like a petter-ass
3. See live music other than country Texas country rockabilly audio diarrhea
4. See independent films
5. Consume Slurpees (7/11) and Taco Bueno.
6. Pay 5 dollars for a bottled beer. Domestic. So worst.

Golf tip of the week: Carry your buddy Levi Garrett in your back pocket. He soothes your last nerve like an oriental masseuse (happy ending included) when the 30 mph north wind queefs your ball into the east fork of the Trinity River. Double-Pull of golf-ball sized chaw on the back nine = marvelous.

Second Golf tip of the week: Never buy a wind-breaker with the Tennison Municipal Golf Course logo on it. Seriously Virant.

Went to the Keane concert last night with DJ Mike and Craaaaaiiiiiiiig. The first two bands were real tight. First opener: The Red Walls. 4 kids from Chicago who, let's be honest, have already lived out my lifelong fantasy at age 19. They can't even legally drink and they're touring the country with one of the biggest bands of the year. I would join them...but i just don't look that cool in a skinny tie and thrift store leather jacket. I'll just be a dentist instead. Second band...The Zutons...pretty tight. Much harder...loud, clean guitars, raw energy, and the hottest female saxaphone player evs. Totally thought about stalking the tour bus after the show. But then I got hungry for a taquito and immediately departed for Whataburger. Keane delivered a good performance if you're into them...but I'm not really sure that I am. It was the first time I have heard any of their music except for that song they play on MTV2. It was okay...I just have a hard time listening to a band with no guitar. Nevertheless...a good performance if you are into their shit. Hero of the night...definitely The Red Walls. Very impressive.

The good thing about not having internet for a couple of months (besides saving up on lotion)is that you aren't constantly checking your screen for IMs/emails. Maybe it's just me...but I sometimes feel like a slave to the computer. It was a nice break...alas...put the handcuffs back on.


The prestigious "Worst Actress of the Year" award is being closely followed by Charlie Murphy. Jennifer Lopez (Jersey Girl), Britney Spears (Farenheit 9/11), Halle Berry (Catwoman), Hilary Duff (A Cinderella Story/ Raise Your Voice), and The Wayans Bros. (White Chicks) are running neck and neck for what some are calling the closest race since Shawn Crawford raced Leonard the Giraffe and Zack the Zebra in Fox's Man vs. Beast. So classic.

"I'm tryin to get in yer ass wit out spendin my cheddah" (audio...be careful at work)

By the way...this was a real video game.





And with that I'm out.

The Boner is back.

Don't Change.




12 Comments:

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    I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him on the golf course yesterday. Now this is strange because usually I see him in the supermarket.

    Honest really, last time I saw him there he was right in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

    He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new lcd tv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

    But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a lcd tv .

    Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger.

    Then I'm gonna go home, put ma dancin' suit on, munch me some uppers and freak out to that maaaaaaaaad surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on ma lcd tv .

    How cool is that boy?

    And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

    "You give me love and consolation,
    You give me strength to carry on "

    Strange day or what? :-)

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