Deep in the Sauce

What's up bitches. I've missed you. I've been recovering all week, and as a result letting Jagermonster catch up on some PHC debriefing.

RE-CAP

If you weren't in Dallas last weekend, here's what you missed:

• Manhattan Bar Happy Hour w/ Craig, Monster, Swampthing, hot femmes. Thanks to the Baylor Dental School "Zips" fraternity for letting me drink on their tab (you know those dental school frats get Ca-razy - FOBVS!).
• The Loon (for Kelly Cheeseburger's B-day)...where I proved it is possible to LIVE from 11 pm to 4 am with your eyes closed. Lots of beautiful people...3 coffee cups of Jager...cigarettes...4 finger high vodkie tonics toxics. Directly proceeded by a trip to Whataburger IN A FUCKING TAXI! (thanks Venus). Geez...most expensive taquitos I'll ever eat. Note to self: when you feel your esphagus self-lubricating...pre-vahmit stizz...don't order 2 taquitos and a saugsage/egg/cheese biscuit (96 grams of fat combined...look it up). I shortly thereafter donated my evidence to the throne, where Erin found me passed out against the wall and so graciously helped me to bed.
• Drama (ex girlfriend stizz...seriously...stop spying on me)
• Charlie Murphy...Professional Body Shield
• Hangover Tennis...beaten by none other than my partner in crime (thanks to the low net, NATCH!).
• 1 pound of hummus from Eat-Zi's (so best)
• Back to Manhattan Bar for Erin's B-Day party
• Jagermonster's Sportcoat from Sears (come see the softer side)
• Knox Street Pub where debauchery ensued with Stu, Parker, Rocket, Scotty Dub, Craig, DJ Ketter, Wessah, Camgoldapp, Sheedy, Chaddicus, amongst others. Also sighted were the WORST boob job evs, followed by the biggest SMU frat-tastic crowd ever assembled. Since when is it okay to wear shorts, a button down shirt, and a FUCKING TIE?? Come on, guy.
• Donkeyboner Shots....so WORST!
• The Sony Mavica
• Corner Bar to finish off Saturday night where Dub's cousin bragged about a night of donkey sex and blowing rails. Nice finish.

Hey man, I'm just trying to live.


Unfortch for my liver, Jagermonster is coming to The Station for 4 days...The Glenlivet in tow (and hopefully Skunk Stripe).




How tall do you think John Kerry's head is?? I'll go ahead and throw out a bold 12 inches. Someone get a ruler and measure that thing.


Some say Worst trick EVS! A hooters employee in Florida busted her ass (and sweater hogs) moving beer to win a Toyota in a recent contest put on by the chain. Is a play-on-words grounds for a lawsuit?? Apparently so. Should have used The Force.



WARNING: Shitty Pun Ahead. This guy was flying high trying to smuggle an effing METH LAB on an airplane. Backwoods son of a bitch. I realize you probably don't fly often, but dude, come on. Did you really think you would get past the dogs with that shit in your fanny pack?

Seriously...the guy really was raised by wolves.

In an effort to get Kerry elected, a group of "sexy liberals" are driving around the northern U.S. trying to trade sex for votes in swing states. Please tell me Teresa Heinz-Kerry is driving the van! I would donkey all over that shit!

I am a true Patriot (I can count myself as the voter, right???)


Kobe Bryant was quoted as saying he "should have done what Shaq does ... that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything" and already had paid up to $1 million "for situations like this." Shaq rebutted with "I'm not the one who is buying love." Still nowhere close to Wilt the Stilt...count on that.

"Tiger Woods hurt
his back last week when he fell asleep in an awkward position on his plane, and said on the eve of the tournament he might have to withdraw." Yeah...in your fucking Gulfstream, laying down in your king sized bed and shit. Did you forget to sleep with your body pillow?? What is it with this guy. Just come on out with it...you threw your back out boning ELLEN! In a related note, looks like The Murph will have to wait a couple more weeks for the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005. So Durst.


And with that, I'm off to cook a buffalo roast (i'm not even kidding...my roommate's parents raise them...so titties).

I love scotch. I love gold.

Don't Change.