Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Monday, September 13, 2004

O Liver, Where Art Thou?


BC Powder + Fruit Punch Gatorade = Best Hangover Cure EVS!!!

Holy effing strong
still trying to recover from an EPIC weekend. Ingredients for a three day Donkeyfest includes (in no particular order): 1 bottle of Sunny Brooke (sunny bone), 3 cokes, multiple 1 litre beers a la Logan's, 3 Turkish Golds (bummed, NATCH!), CHARTREUSE??!!!, Jager, 3 meals of Mexican Food (followed by my good friend Rrhea), Wrecking Drew the Alcoholic Cyborg, sunscreen (Andy J stizz), 1 hot dog, a beer bong, and 500 million LOVE BUGS!

Football Re-Cap:

"Ags Win, Ags Win!!!" (Harry Carry Stizz) The Ags managed to put together a better than average performance in the second half of their home opener Saturday. Unfortch for me, I was busy wiping the alcohol pouring out of my sweat glands and missed probably half of the game because of it. Worked up quite an ass sweat. Seriously, I can't remember the last time my chode was so moist.
nice GUNT!

Cowboys...leave a little bit less than to be desired. The Vinny to Keyshawn connection proved a formidable foe, yet the lack of experience in our secondary permitted Randy Moss to run circles around Pete Hunter's chicken. I'd hate to be on the practice field come monday morning. Something tells me a Devil's Thunder is a brewin' in Bill Parcells' FUPA!

Might as well rename them the Washington Foreskins, seein' as how everyone in sports media is sucking their D. For reals...they're not THAT good.

Phila now has a forseeable Super Bowl opportunity thanks to the man who carries a Sharpie in his Jockey Strap. (and I'm not talking about Andy Reid).

You didn't hear about Primetime making any big plays this weekend, did you? That's because they didn't throw to his man ONE SINGLE TIME all game. I'd say that's quite a compliment.

Ken Jennings, the Stormin' Mormon who is making Alex Trabec look like a public school dropout, might have ended his record winning streak (42 as of thursday) on a recent show taped last tuesday. racing stripe, perhaps?Can you say QUIZ SHOW? Seriously...that dude HAS to have an earpiece, Vince Vaughn stizz.

"Shave It* Like Beckham": the new slogan Gilette has paid David Beckham $61 mil to use. They'll never hear the end of that one.

* (Victoria Beckham)

Neve Campbell has decided to break her "no nudity clause" by appearing nude in the upcoming movie When Will I Be Loved. The actress, who previously swore off all roles requiring her to dis-robe, has finally reached that point in an aging female actress' career where only soft core porn can generate enough money and attention to earn her an extra 15 seconds of fame (see also: Meg Ryan).

Someone please remind Katie Couric that she's 47 (platinum highlights are so high school).

In more shocking news, former N'SYNC douchebag Joey Fatone got married this weekend, dispelling the often-circulated rumors that he has lots of sex with dudes.

I've just decided...The Killers suck. no buzz.

Surprise, Surprise. A famous supermodel comes clean about snorting rails for the past 10 years. do you think she keeps that spectacular bod? Yesterday's Frosted Flakes = today's Special K and Coke.

Ashton Kutcherworst will be wearing his Von Durst trucker hat opposite Sharon Stone in the long dreaded sequel to Basic Instinct. Demi's nervous...count on that.

And lastly, a woman was pronounced dead at a Cincinnati hospital over the weekend compliments of her cute little Urutu Pit Viper (WTF?). Other pets found in the apartment included 9 poisonous snakes, various lizards, and aligators. Hey Jack(ie) Hanna...should have gone with the slightly less poisonous Bichon Frise.

That's all I have time to put together for now, check back with us later when you're coasting on fumes and the LOW PHC light flicks on.


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