Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Wrong side of the bed

Oh my God, I'm a DRUGGIE!
How many times will this picture pop up in the media over the next couple of days? What a nightmare. And what bad timing…I mean the bastard is riding high after the mild success of Saved, and then he gets caught carrying half an ounce of weed (modest chunk), and Xanex (which he definitely didn’t have a prescription for). Some say worst move since letting Jacko touch his tee-tee.

An amazing article by John Lopez (Houston Chronicle) describing the Atrophy of American Supremecy in athletics after the Europeans made us walk to the red tees with our dongs hanging out (old golf rule) at this year's Ryder Cup. This guy is dead on. Americans once again have something to prove to the rest of the world...who will step up to the challenge?

Martha Stewart. Why do I feel like this trip to Jail will only help her stock. Go Figure. many fucking CSI shows can TV Dinner!run at the same time before America spontaneously vomits their El Charrito Saltillo TV dinner all over the living room? I mean, THREE are on during primetime slots this fall. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHO FAKE-MURDERED SOME CRACK DEALER IN EITHER MIAMI, NEW YORK, OR LAS VEGAS! SHIT!!!

Jason Alexander - favorite show on TV is ESPN's Pardon The Interruption. Now, Jason...Seinfeld was played a character who was was based upon the life of Larry David (writer of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm)...the act fit your look...but your last couple of projects have bombed. Maybe you should hang up the spikes. Your new show, based on Espn's PTI, features you playing a cranky, hot-headed (starting to sound familiar?), animated sports anchor...albeit Tony Kornheiser is way funnier than you will ever be. I guess some actors, although unfortunate, can only realize success when accepting roles suited for their typecast (see Matt LeBlanc). If it weren't for Theo Huxtable playing your sidekick, I probably wouldn't even bother to watch. Maybe you should start reconsidering a sequel to Dunston Checks In.

The only thing worse than listening to Soft Rock
(don't get me wrong...Charlie Murphy loves Phil Collins, but they repeat that shit like 5 times a day) at work is listening to Country all day. My new hate: the song by Gretchen Trailer-fem that's about redneck women and goes "Hell Yeah" like 50 times. I want to dig out my eardrums with the surgical scissors every time I hear that damn song. Whatever happened to hott female country artists like Mindy McCready? Hillbilly Heroin?
I Love Drugs!

Does your Grandmother relate everything in the universe to food like mine does? I love Mama Eva, she's a saint. But sometimes she makes me laugh out loud at her on the phone. For instance, last week I was asking her about Mom, Dad, and the house back in New Orleans (they stayed with her because of the hurricane). Her reply, "Oh...they're fine. But Charlie...I bought the most beautiful ham yesterday at the grocery wouldn't believe it." I mean...I'm trying to check on my parents' life status and assess the possible damage done to our house by the hurricane, and she's bragging to me about some glorious ham she just purchased from the butcher. Lesson? Cajuns are serious about their meat.

Nalgene bottles have become quite the trend these days. I think I saw a 7 year old walking to school with one clipped to her backpack the other day. Being the avid outdoorsman, I have collected a few over the years...not as a trend setter...but for the simple fact that they are supposed to be able to withstand a fall from some rediculous height (I think the dude at Whole Earth told me 10 stories). Anywizz...I ran my own little experiment yesterday. Full of water. 5 story parking garage. To my amazement, held its form...and I am a satisfied customer.

Bush and Kerry have their first televised debate slated for next week in Florida. Do yourself a favor and watch.

Mrs. Federline. "The nondenominational ceremony took place at a private home in Studio City, California, with about twenty guests in attendance, including Spears' mother Lynne and younger sister actress Jamie Lynn. The couple ate chicken fingers and ribs, and danced to Journey." JOURNEY?!! Come on. Need I say more? Did you see that MTV COMMERCIAL about how the girl wasn't going to put the name of Brit's husband on the wedding card cause she knows she'll have to change it later? Re-Fucking-Donkulous....maybe you had to be there.

Speaking of funny commercials...the new Bud Light commercial where the ref gives the dude a 15 yard penalty for a Tribal Band arm tattoo. Classic!

Guns and alcohol don't mix? Don't tell this guy.

Okay....I just finished this at work (on the clock!), and I have a surgery to assist. Catch me on the flip side.



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