Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Friday, September 17, 2004

oh fuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh

Debauchery ensues. Good stories to come on the flip-side.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I'm Not That Innocent Trashy

where's your turtle neck?'re right, Lynne, your daughter is a very classy, usptanding, respectable looking young woman. What would give you the impression people think she looks trashy?

In similar news...Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are now engaged. Congratulations. Now you can make a Canadian musical UBERDURST!

Best Musical Force to come out of Canada EVS:

Wicked, EHH??!

Neil Peart - Best drums Evs
Geddy Lee - Highest Male Voice Evs

Ladies looking for a man??? Check out these hott poses from the BIKERFOX!!! (No shirt + JORTS = Instant Classic!!!)

Tuesday, September 14, 2004


My name is Charlie Murphy, and I approve this message.


Okay...if you haven't heard of Gmail, then toss that Commodore 64 out the window and get with the times. Like a nasty global pandemic of the G-Dubs (the STD), 1986, YO!the Gmail juggernaut has spread to the far reaches of the country (thanks in most part to GoogleCV). I have never been so happy with an email provider (FREE no less). I love the ability to search to find the exact message you want, no matter when it was sent or received. 1000 megabytes (serious porn capacity) of free storage. Each message is grouped with all its replies and displayed as a conversation. No pop-up ads. No untargeted banners. BOVS ON THEM TEES. Best part about's still in beta quasi-underground country club phase ...which means to be a member, you must be invited by another member (um...Bob Connely...I was just trying to get some Tee Time - Spoonie Luv). If you're cool enough, maybe Charlie Murphy has one of his invites left with your name on it.

So I've been totally obsessed with this band Athlete. New cd (Vehicles and Animals) is featured in my hottness on the sidebar. Click on the link and purchase immediately. You won't be disappointed.

Recent reads of the current state in Russia can't help but leave me with visions of the old hammer and sickle. Is is just me, or have the outlandish statements and acts by current president Vladimir Putin seem to be leaning towards the days of the Red Machine? I'll keep an eye out...

Heads up Gulf Coast (and my parents, who currently reside in the Crescent City!), Ivan seems determined to tear some shit up. What a crazy year for weather. 3 category 4 or greater hurricanes in less than 2 the apocalypse upon us or something? If Ivan strikes the heart of New Orleans, Jackson Square could end up looking something like this!

So Cubs

Have you ever wondered what it is like to be a Cubs fan? Want to practice? Watch the Rangers. A diehard fan since my conception (do the names Scott Fletcher, Oddibe McDowell, Pete O'brien and Icaviglia, Charlie Hough, Geno Petralli, Steve Beuchelle, Don Slaught mean anything to you??), I think I have slowly developed a condition over the years. Year after year...same story. Typically in contention for the first 3/4 of the season (thanks year in and year out to a stellar offense), the Rangers always fall as the last month or two of baseball come to a close. Old SchoolAlthough I can't really complain this year thanks to a complete 180 from last season, I can't help but feel the pain of Chicago and Boston fans. Did anyone happen to catch the game last night (probably not). I was just about to finish the last of my volumes of readings when I looked up to see the camera zooming in on a woman resembling Massive Head Wound Harry (Dana Carvey stizz). Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco, apparently having enough of the taunting, hurled a chair hammer-throw style at the first row of patrons, hitting 3 of them. Totally Unexcusable. As a professional athlete, you are expected to be able to hold your cool and act like a professional. You know going into this profession that there will be taunting, heckling, cell phone throwing, etc. Never should retaliation cross the mind, save for a breach in your own personal safety. I say give the jackass a lenghty suspension accompanied by a hefty fine. The dude will no doubt be sued as well. no buzz.

Speaking of Dallas sports, if you love sports talk radio, become a P-1 and check out The Hardline on KTCK The Ticket. I listen to the show every afternoon online. So Best!!! Snake!!

Somewhat excited about a couple of upcoming movies. First on the list...I Heart Huckabees. I love quirky little indie movies, and based on the buzz, this one seems to hold a lot of promise ( tigs).

Also somewhat aroused (no pun intended) about the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard. Not only is Boobie McGee (bovs on those sweater monkeys) officially cast as the ass-splitting JORTS sponsor, but Jay Chandrashekar of Supertroopers (tits) and Club Dread fame is writing and directing the remake. Word has it that he's trying to cast Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg. No word yet as to who will play Cooder! (not you, skunk stripe!)

Nothing makes The Murph happier than when a young, beautiful female actress decides to shed her bubble-gum kiddie teen movie image by playing peek-a-boobie in a more serious, artsy movie (fobvs). In the upcoming movie Havoc, Anne Hathaway of Princess Diaries fame will supposedly be showing off her assets opposite Bijou Phillips. Hathway had recently said, "I wish people wouldn't sensationalise seven seconds of a two-hour performance." Seriously...those people are immature.

And Adam Brody (from the OC) has taken his ideas for a new Revenge of the Nerds to director McG (come on dude...use your real name). Plot line...the AlphaBetas tease the dorks, a competition ensues, Nerds rule the school. Sprinkle in a couple of tatties here and there and you've got yourselves a true ROTN installment. (and possibly a cameo by Booger)

Alright bitches...The Murph is off to the lap pool, Michael Phelps stizz. May bovs drip steadily down your own respective tees this afternoon. NATCH!

Skater Crash clip (OUCH!)

Monday, September 13, 2004

Big Champs! Big Champs!

As promised - this site is blowing up, Kristie Alley stizz. We got national recognition today from the Thigh Master. Big Titties - Big Titties. I am glowing with fobvs...

Mark Cuban as The Benefactor. Call me crazy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the show tonight. Sure I am bias because I live in Dallas and I am a MFFL (if you don't know what this means - don't ask! Yeah I am talking to you SKUNK-STRIPE!!!). Jenga for a mill? Are you kidding me? I love it. Only thing better - sexual Jenga (circa 1996).

Best frozen pizza - Freschetta Sauce Filled Crust - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE

Best take out pizza - Campisi's. Bfobvs on your Mafia tee's.

I love living in downtown D. The main benefit is that I put very few miles on my car. The last time I filled up was August 28th - and I only have 156 miles on my car since then. Megatigs.

I know a lot of people are concerned about hurricane Ivan (no, not Ivan Fox - AJ), but the people of the lone starshould be worried about a tropical depression that is forming 1 mile north of Dallas. Weather reports shoow that tropical depression Jamieson is heading south and should arrive in c-stat on Friday around 8:00pm. Meterologists warn that by Friday it is likely that Jamieson will be a full blown Category 5 storm. I expect my groupies to have Jagerbombs ready - two at a time. Cowabunga dude.

Tomorrow night - Must see tely. WSOP '04 final table!!!! I have been waiting all summer for this shit. All in - biaaaaatch.

What the hell is this all about? Who dresses up as Batman to protest? You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I know a lot of you guys know our good friend "The Venis". Please send your prayers - he is in bad shape. I saw him looking at this at work yesterday! Who does that shit, I ask again?!?!

Stay bobvs people!

O Liver, Where Art Thou?


BC Powder + Fruit Punch Gatorade = Best Hangover Cure EVS!!!

Holy effing strong
still trying to recover from an EPIC weekend. Ingredients for a three day Donkeyfest includes (in no particular order): 1 bottle of Sunny Brooke (sunny bone), 3 cokes, multiple 1 litre beers a la Logan's, 3 Turkish Golds (bummed, NATCH!), CHARTREUSE??!!!, Jager, 3 meals of Mexican Food (followed by my good friend Rrhea), Wrecking Drew the Alcoholic Cyborg, sunscreen (Andy J stizz), 1 hot dog, a beer bong, and 500 million LOVE BUGS!

Football Re-Cap:

"Ags Win, Ags Win!!!" (Harry Carry Stizz) The Ags managed to put together a better than average performance in the second half of their home opener Saturday. Unfortch for me, I was busy wiping the alcohol pouring out of my sweat glands and missed probably half of the game because of it. Worked up quite an ass sweat. Seriously, I can't remember the last time my chode was so moist.
nice GUNT!

Cowboys...leave a little bit less than to be desired. The Vinny to Keyshawn connection proved a formidable foe, yet the lack of experience in our secondary permitted Randy Moss to run circles around Pete Hunter's chicken. I'd hate to be on the practice field come monday morning. Something tells me a Devil's Thunder is a brewin' in Bill Parcells' FUPA!

Might as well rename them the Washington Foreskins, seein' as how everyone in sports media is sucking their D. For reals...they're not THAT good.

Phila now has a forseeable Super Bowl opportunity thanks to the man who carries a Sharpie in his Jockey Strap. (and I'm not talking about Andy Reid).

You didn't hear about Primetime making any big plays this weekend, did you? That's because they didn't throw to his man ONE SINGLE TIME all game. I'd say that's quite a compliment.

Ken Jennings, the Stormin' Mormon who is making Alex Trabec look like a public school dropout, might have ended his record winning streak (42 as of thursday) on a recent show taped last tuesday. racing stripe, perhaps?Can you say QUIZ SHOW? Seriously...that dude HAS to have an earpiece, Vince Vaughn stizz.

"Shave It* Like Beckham": the new slogan Gilette has paid David Beckham $61 mil to use. They'll never hear the end of that one.

* (Victoria Beckham)

Neve Campbell has decided to break her "no nudity clause" by appearing nude in the upcoming movie When Will I Be Loved. The actress, who previously swore off all roles requiring her to dis-robe, has finally reached that point in an aging female actress' career where only soft core porn can generate enough money and attention to earn her an extra 15 seconds of fame (see also: Meg Ryan).

Someone please remind Katie Couric that she's 47 (platinum highlights are so high school).

In more shocking news, former N'SYNC douchebag Joey Fatone got married this weekend, dispelling the often-circulated rumors that he has lots of sex with dudes.

I've just decided...The Killers suck. no buzz.

Surprise, Surprise. A famous supermodel comes clean about snorting rails for the past 10 years. do you think she keeps that spectacular bod? Yesterday's Frosted Flakes = today's Special K and Coke.

Ashton Kutcherworst will be wearing his Von Durst trucker hat opposite Sharon Stone in the long dreaded sequel to Basic Instinct. Demi's nervous...count on that.

And lastly, a woman was pronounced dead at a Cincinnati hospital over the weekend compliments of her cute little Urutu Pit Viper (WTF?). Other pets found in the apartment included 9 poisonous snakes, various lizards, and aligators. Hey Jack(ie) Hanna...should have gone with the slightly less poisonous Bichon Frise.

That's all I have time to put together for now, check back with us later when you're coasting on fumes and the LOW PHC light flicks on.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

I had an AWESOME time....

Hello - Hola - Caio - привет and Het hallo...

How the hell is everybody? I know that most people are probably having severe withdrawals from the lack of content posted on TheBoner the past couple of days - but fear not, the Jagermonster is back. I got so much hottness it will be dripping from your tees for weeks.

Worst way to wake up in the morning? Listening to this
crap. I can't say that I listen to it - but I have a friend that does. Kidd is so 1990, it makes C. Thomas Howell jealous.

Shaq comes out with a
cd. Finally something worse than Kazzzzzzzzzzzzzam!

Joey - So becks. My guess - no more than 3 episodes.

The Apprentice deuce - did anyone watch the hour long BOREDroom scene? How many times did I hear 'talented' or 'utilized' -- way too many I tell you. I am going to go out on a limb here and say this one is going to be ever shittier than the first. Let's be honest, that bitch Pamela should have been fired along with Rob. Both suck.

Georgia Tech/Clemson game - So best. One of the better upsets I have seen in awhile. Let's hope Clemson is depressed and doesn't show up next week.

Pretzels are the new croutons - or so Scottland Dub believes. I was shocked to see my roommate load up his salad with some Rold Gold's tonight. "This shit is going to catch on, I swear" - bfobvs. Speechless....

David Carr's
hair - durstimus maximus.

Anyone else freaked out by the abundance of ink in the NFL these days? I threw up after I saw Jason Babin's. That shit is gross.

The OC - Obsessed Completely. Mischa -- looking hotttttttttttt.

"There is a real good chance that we can kill this bottle tonight" - Scottland referring to the 4 liter bottle of Sangria he purchased at 11:00pm last night. I refuse to tell you the outcome.

Do yourself a favor and download
Bob Schneider "The King of the World" - this song is the tits. Thank me later.

I just was informed that my birthday falls on a Friday this year. Disastrous. Blowout details to follow in the upcoming weeks.

Don't be fooled by the Blog that I got -- I'm still Jamie from the block.