Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Flaccid

Friends of the Boner,

Jagermonster and The Murph apologize for the recent chaos...Skunkstripe was trying to hold us down by effing up our cozy little PHC nook. Please don't be deterred by our sidebar debacle.

In the Lord's name we pray,

Amen.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Crying is for bitches - word.

That's right. Big Daddy Jagermonster posting on a worknight. You won't hear me crying no rivers (JT stizz), though. Fobvs all over your TFB tees.

Whoever said this blog wasn't going to be a success can ess my dee. That's right kids, we are on the aol search engine. Apparently someone was directed to our site (fueeeee) by searching for 'boner' on aol. Surprise - Surprise, result page 7 of 2821. The daddy's are blowing up - total tits.

Some small hottness from work today:

  • Big Titty Dell Laptop fully equiped with wireless (the only way to fly) and a dvd player (sydnee steele)NSFW
  • Corporate Amex cards on the first day
  • Payday on the 15th of September
Can it get any bedda? Yes - look below skunkstripe!



Lohan in '04

3 entries found for boner.


bon·er1 (bnr)n. Informal - A blunder or an error.
bon·er2
(bnr)n. Vulgar Slang - An erection of the penis.
boner n. - an embarrassing mistake [syn: blunder, blooper, bloomer, bungle, foul-up, fuckup, flub, botch, boo-boo]

Gotta love "boo-boo"

Boner, Growing Pains Stizz

Sorry, D'ers, but highway 290 (not northbound 45) heeded the call of the Land Rover (not my own, unfortch for me) this weekend. Debauchery ensued. A hauntignly familiar sequence of events to which I proudly lay claim.


It all started off with a little trip to City Park for a leisurely pre-party mountainbiking stint in north Austin. Unbeknownst to me, this effing bitch of a trail comprised mainly of grueling steep grade rock climbs and 3 to 5 foot limestone drops. Never the pessimist (yeah right), I convinced our group to proceed with the danger, cause that's how we roll...like my buddy Lance. But I have 2 grapes. 3 hours and 10 lacerations later, we emerged victoriously to the final steep drop in. All of the other riders decided to skip the last drop and ride out the smooth part in true vaginal fashion. I, on the other hand, decided to attempt the 8 foot drop in front of a small audience of semi-professional mountainbikers. Just as I am about to tuck my tail between my legs and ride out the rest on the flatter, easier path, a man yells out to me in his loudest voice (in front of a crowd of 15 people), "Do it you PUSSY! My 12 year old son just nailed that drop twice!" FUCK! Now I pretty much had to do it, or withstand a(nother) night of drunken and persistent ridicule. My eyes reluctantly open, I picked a line and kicked that fucker straight in the nuts. I rode down to the crowd of dudes, and the one guy tossed me an ice-cold Shiner Best. He was all "I was just kidding about calling you a pussy". Regardless...I'm glad I landed on two tires and not my neck (or weiner).

Come sundown, we are partying at Shakespear's, 6th street stizz, and a freaking fight breaks out in the middle of the street. Some barely 5'10" white "fratty" is talking shit to this jacked African American fellow. Out of nowhere comes a cherry left followed by a hard right uppercut to his lack of chin, burnt orange hat flying off into the night. Liquid courage...it's a bitch sometimes. On 6th street, the city of Austin deploys a horse-mounted unit to patrol the often out of control Texas version of Bourbon Street. The mountees were soon on these two like flies on shit. Imagine two guys handcuffed laying face-down on this alcohol swamp of a street. Now picture a mountee coming full circle around these guys, backing his horse in to get closer, and his horse takes a Gi-normous shit no further than 3 feet from their noses. I'm talking splatter paint all over the face. Streaming shredded wheat hay-biscuits of wholesome horse deuce (nice alliteration) clap noisily on the ground, and all these punks could do was turn their faces to avoid the little pellets of green and brown slop. CLASSIC! By now there was a strong crowd gathering, and everyone within a 5o meter radius was bent over in stitches laughing. SO BEST!


I just took my Jeep in to the shop to get some over due body work done from my little fender-bender last month. I'll be rolling all week in a beige Nissan Alti-worst. Look for me.

I was reading in the new People magazine today (instead of actually working) that MTV is rumored to be in talks with Brit-Brit and Kevin Feder-Wharf Rat about being the new Newlyweds. The original show, which featured Nick Lachey and wife, surprisingly had me watching every episode during season one. Before the show, I always thought Nick was such a freaking homo-douche bag, boy-band loser who didn't deserve to be married to America's most beautiful entertainer. Post season 1 reflection: Nick Lachey is a badass...Jess is quite the high-maintenance/whiny princess. Call it a hunch, but I don't forsee myself giving the same respect to ol' Kev. In a related story, Brit just cast the future wife-beater as her groom in the sure-to-be-shitty remake of Bobby Brown's "My Perogative". I can't wait.

Tiger Woods has been passed for the first time in 264 weeks (record) by The Cheater, Vijay Singh. After such a disappointing season, it comes as no surprise to me that Tiger has been ousted. I just was just hoping for Ernie to take the honors, and definitely not bitch-tits Phil the Spill, who albeit does still hold the number one slot for hottest wife on tour. schmears.
Who has the bigger boobs now?

Today's new Sports Illustrated ranks the Cowboys last in the NFC East??? Are you kidding me? How does Washington rank above the D? Horseshit.

Sadly, friends, I have books to be bobvs'd upon. So becks.

But first, it's time to sleep off that chicken fried steak I had for lunch. mmmm...

Remember Topanga from Boy Meets World??? (don't pretend like you don't)


Monday, September 06, 2004

All-Star Weekend, yo!


Holy shitballs kids. What the hell happened this weekend? I will enlighten you with several stories involving poor decisions and OOC times(not The OC, skunkstripe!). This weekend was badazz, thanks to everyone who came out and celebrated my last weekend of freedom.

Friday Night :
A.Parks, Harshaw, and Matty Kerins all came in from out of town for the rooftop blowout party. But, lets be honest, we had a few TMFB's (tasty mutha eff'in bevy's) prior to arriving at The Heights. We had 'dinner' at The Loon, notorious for destroying people's nights/lives. We ordered a few coffee cups full of Jäger (apparently we didn't learn our lesson last time) and choice cocktails (g/t, bourbon and a 'splash' of coke) and had some siick catching up to do. Scottland Dub - "I can't take this shot, I am driving -- I will have a vodka tonic, please". From there we went to the G-Gallery to view "The Artiist's" work. The best part of the G-Gallery visit was being greeted with the instrumental version of "I'm a slaaave for you". Neptunes, best band ever -- hands down, according to the Artiist.
A rundown of all the 'best things' - according to the Artiist.


-Best Bar Evs: The Loon, hands down
-Best Band Evs: N.E.R.D, hands down
-Best City Evs: San Fran, hands down
-Best Drink Evs: G/T, hands down
-Best Place to Throw-up: JägerMonster's Sink, hands down


From the G-Gallery we headed to the rooftop fiesta, where the number of gay men outnumbered us 100 fold. While this might have been an uncomfortable situation, we made the best out of it by having several beers and enjoying the Dallas Skyline - dripping with hottness. The quote of the party by K.Harshaw, "Fratty.net - that shit is soo gay", while surrounded by 10 gay men. Nice move ace. After getting blown-up Patty-J. stizz, by A. Brown (who works for my dad) - we decided to head to the "Idle Hands"- as A.Parks calls it. Several drinks later, two people promised me they were going to throw-up that night, amazingly neither one of them did. Congrats, I'm sorry! Everyone passed out around 4:30am, and one person had a wedding at 8:30am - sucked for him. schmears.




Saturday: filled with telling stories and participating in a modified Uptown-Olympics.

Maguire's M-Grille - Who made sticks?
The Dresden
Manhattan Bar
Severine's Martini Bar - Did I really play 'The Scientist' on the piano? Jeez.
TABC

My liver is hurting - but it will be on vacation for awhile, for rilz.

NCAA Football - total boring weekend - no upsets whatsoevs.
Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Shampoo - heaven.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - my newest favorite show. Check out them tee's.


Tomorrow I start work - not sure on the frequency of posts from here out. I trust Charlie Murphy will continue to bring you wit and buzz. It has been a ride, hasn't it?

Now on to Stick-Procurement!!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. bobvs.