Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Friday, October 01, 2004

Trouble

Best text-message ever:

"Cab + Vomit"

Oct. 1, 2004
4:11am CT

-Scottland Dub

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Deep in the Sauce

What's up bitches. I've missed you. I've been recovering all week, and as a result letting Jagermonster catch up on some PHC debriefing.

RE-CAP

If you weren't in Dallas last weekend, here's what you missed:

donkey boner shot - nast!

Hard

Dirt off yo' shouldah

Shark

Debauchery

  • Manhattan Bar Happy Hour w/ Craig, Monster, Swampthing, hot femmes. Thanks to the Baylor Dental School "Zips" fraternity for letting me drink on their tab (you know those dental school frats get Ca-razy - FOBVS!).
  • The Loon (for Kelly Cheeseburger's B-day)...where I proved it is possible to LIVE from 11 pm to 4 am with your eyes closed. Lots of beautiful people...3 coffee cups of Jager...cigarettes...4 finger high vodkie tonics toxics. Directly proceeded by a trip to Whataburger IN A FUCKING TAXI! (thanks Venus). Geez...most expensive taquitos I'll ever eat. Note to self: when you feel your esphagus self-lubricating...pre-vahmit stizz...don't order 2 taquitos and a saugsage/egg/cheese biscuit (96 grams of fat combined...look it up). I shortly thereafter donated my evidence to the throne, where Erin found me passed out against the wall and so graciously helped me to bed.
  • Drama (ex girlfriend stizz...seriously...stop spying on me)
  • Charlie Murphy...Professional Body Shield
  • Hangover Tennis...beaten by none other than my partner in crime (thanks to the low net, NATCH!).
  • 1 pound of hummus from Eat-Zi's (so best)
  • Back to Manhattan Bar for Erin's B-Day party
  • Jagermonster's Sportcoat from Sears (come see the softer side)
  • Knox Street Pub where debauchery ensued with Stu, Parker, Rocket, Scotty Dub, Craig, DJ Ketter, Wessah, Camgoldapp, Sheedy, Chaddicus, amongst others. Also sighted were the WORST boob job evs, followed by the biggest SMU frat-tastic crowd ever assembled. Since when is it okay to wear shorts, a button down shirt, and a FUCKING TIE?? Come on, guy.
  • Donkeyboner Shots....so WORST!
  • The Sony Mavica
  • Corner Bar to finish off Saturday night where Dub's cousin bragged about a night of donkey sex and blowing rails. Nice finish.

Hey man, I'm just trying to live.Aged...15 years


Unfortch for my liver, Jagermonster is coming to The Station for 4 days...The Glenlivet in tow (and hopefully Skunk Stripe).




How tall do you think John Kerry's head is?? I'll go ahead and throw out a bold 12 inches. Someone get a ruler and measure that thing.
So Pissed!

Some say Worst trick EVS! A hooters employee in Florida busted her ass (and sweater hogs) moving beer to win a Toyota in a recent contest put on by the chain. Is a play-on-words grounds for a lawsuit?? Apparently so. Should have used The Force.



WARNING: Shitty Pun Ahead. This guy was flying high trying to smuggle an effing METH LAB on an airplane. Backwoods son of a bitch. I realize you probably don't fly often, but dude, come on. Did you really think you would get past the dogs with that shit in your fanny pack?

Seriously...the guy really was raised by wolves.

In an effort to get Kerry elected, a group of "sexy liberals" are driving around the northern U.S. trying to trade sex for votes in swing states. Please tell me Teresa Heinz-Kerry is driving the van! I would donkey all over that shit!

I am a true Patriot (I can count myself as the voter, right???)


Kobe Bryant was quoted as saying he "should have done what Shaq does ... that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything" and already had paid up to $1 million "for situations like this." Shaq rebutted with "I'm not the one who is buying love." Still nowhere close to Wilt the Stilt...count on that.

"Tiger Woods hurtOww...My Back!
his back last week when he fell asleep in an awkward position on his plane, and said on the eve of the tournament he might have to withdraw." Yeah...in your fucking Gulfstream, laying down in your king sized bed and shit. Did you forget to sleep with your body pillow?? What is it with this guy. Just come on out with it...you threw your back out boning ELLEN! In a related note, looks like The Murph will have to wait a couple more weeks for the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005. So Durst.


And with that, I'm off to cook a buffalo roast (i'm not even kidding...my roommate's parents raise them...so titties).

I love scotch. I love gold.

Don't Change.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I see Paris - Volume Deuce!!!!

Part Deuce


BREAKING NEWS (10:30pm): Reports have surfaced that yet another Paris Hilton sex tape has surfaced - containing OVER 11 hours of footage! The report states that the video shows Paris having sex with multiple ex's including mega-durst Dick Carter. Hello G-Dubs! The video even shows Ms. Hilton rolling a fatty-j. Developing.....

I'm rich - bitch.

That's right friends - yesterday I made a purchase - or an investment if you will. I talked the parentals into hooking up the Jagermonster with an ipod for my 24th, which is just around the corner. Regardless - this thing is straight up so titties. So many bad azz functions, so easy to use. SO BEST. I assure you I will be involved in some tom-foolery today in the office - uploading songs and whatnot.

It sure is nice to give my liver a break - 3 days of soberiety and loving it. Now I just need to start exercising to shed off the ellbs. I remember when I had a 6-pack (not booze) - I remember that DAY.

I am finally willing to admit defeat. We are done for the playoffs. I guess it is time to renew my card carrying rights to be a member of RSN (Red Sox Nation - natch).

There will be an update tonight on The DB - Best Hair in sports - REVEALED! The smart money is on Johnny Damon - howevs I will be doing research throughout the day.

It is sad that even the Chinese are wrapped up (safety first kids) in Britney Schmears Gossip. When asked if pregnant, brit-brit's response "No, not that I know of. But next year, I am so there." SO THERE? This isn't a vacation to the beach or a night at a concert - this is a kid you are talking about. Hey Kevin - thanks for the Herp's.

Jay Leno to retire - IN 2009. Don't you think this announcement is a bit premature? Let me mark my calendar for 2009 - that I haven't bought yet! No buzz.

Hey Agassi - Kurt Warner called.

zzzzzzz NEXT!

And speaking of zzz's - check out this article forwarded to me by GoogleCV. After some long nights of boozing and debauchery I could surely use on of those....

Updates later yo.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Her Undercarriage Was Showing!

FRIZZZIDAY!
Wow. As predicted this weekend was totally AWESOME. Hurricane Chuck (aka Charlie Murphy) blew through town and damn - it did some destruction (i.e. my liver). Within 30 minutes of arriving C-Murph and myself were enjoying free cocktails on the dental school students tab at Manhattan Bar.

After several tasty bevy's and some good chatter(about tee's and debauchery) we decided to a 'last day at work' happy hour for a p2 friend. C-Murph quickly became a PBS - personal body shield - as we decided last minute to bail. We made our way to The Corner Bar for some delicious $2 dos equis (Double X, natch!) and some piss poor service. Not to mention the fact that they were showing the Sox/Yanks game on the big screen instead of the Rangers/Mariner's - durst move on their part. This was the first time during the night that I realized we were in trouble. Anytime a friend suggests that they are going to 'drink their dinner' - beware!

From Corner Bar we headed to the Loon - and became Loonatics - to celebrate Kelly Cheeseburger's b-day. Bfobvs all over your b-day tees, gfriend. Instantly we ordered our first coffee mug full of Jager - where Charlie had to take a quick Time-out and swallow 50 times to make sure it wasn't going to come back up. It was awesome to see everybody out -- and thanks to all the kind words people said about the blog. We got fans - biaaatch. The time-bomb named Charlie exploded after some 4-finger vodkee's and another shot o' Jager. At this point in the night - alcohol was being abused. The funniest moment of the night was when Charlie went to use the bathroom and stood at the door waiting to go in. I came over 5 minutes later and he was still standing outside. "Who the eff is taking a shit at the Loon, man" was slurred by Charlie, and I decided to make sure someone was in the bathroom -- I turned the knob and to Charlie's surprise - nobody was in the bathroom. Instantly classic - schmears. Warning! Do not send text messages while at the bar that read 'I need sauce'.

We caught a ride home for Mr. p2 himself - and ended up calling for a cab to take us to TWhataburger - worst idea evs. Matty V decided to enjoy a beer in the cab - so ridic's. Charlie leans over to me and says "I am trying so hard not to throw up right now - and am losing the battle". Jeez. We finally return to Kim's to enjoy our late night delicacies - eff'ing PEC taquito's yo! Charlie finishes eating and than goes and lays on the toliet to empty his stomach - so best.

SaturDAZE - The day was filled with dry heaves and tennis - not at the same time, of course. I was supposed to help my brother move a armoir and instead just got in the way as I sweated out the Jager I had consumed the night before. Miserable.

I ended up having a very busy night - consisting of 3 parties to attend as well as having dinner with Big Bob. We decided to have dinner at Truluck's where I bobvs'd all over some salmon and salad. fuuuuueeee. So delicious.
Afterward,I saw the most ridiculous thing evs. See below.

Give me an eff'in break!

I have no explanation for what would cause someone to want to have that. Straight up the most fucking asinine thing I have ever seen.

After dinner I stopped by C.K.'s party for some quality patio time and some ice cold Miller Lites. I then headed off with Scottland to meet up with Charlie Murphy at Knox Street Pub - for a donkeyboner and debauchery.

The infamous Donkey Boner

A donkeyboner - Revealed! A donkeyboner is hands down the wurst shot that was ever invented. It works like this - you get a group of guys (girls stay out of this!) and each person calls a different licka. Our donkeyboner consisted of Jager - 151 - and peppermint schnaaps. Not as bad as I originally thought - but definatly not good. Things started getting hazzy after this point in time - but we did have several discussions about improvements for the site (boner of the month) and wurst boob job of the week - stay tuned!

Diiirt off my shoulder

We got crunk with Jay during "dirt off my shoulder". DJ Mike was cracking my shit up with his air turntable abitilites - robvs.

DJ Mike getting crunk

Quote of the night was Scottland Dub - "Tonight is not about Donkey Boners - it is about other Debauchery". And he was correct, kinda. I can't describe what happened afterwards b/c apparently I left abruptly and told people I stole a bottle of licka - which did not happen. Anyways - I was hurting this morning when I ralphed at 12:30 - straight up 151 - uggggh. The bottom line - weekend was total tits. Thanks for all the good times - and high fives.

Now - for some quick PHC.

Hey Taco C. - hire some people who at least speak English at the drive-thru, or you will continue to lose my business!

Has anyone seen that Drew Barrymore documentary on MTV where she travels around and tries to convince people to vote? Don't waste you time - it blows. While I am on the rant - I think MTV is trying way to hard these days to send political messages. For example - the Bush sisters and Kerry sisters at the Music Awards - wurst idea evs. MTV - the majority of your viewers are to young to vote!

Wurst attempt to get media attention evs! Your life is basically over sweetheart.

I give you the best weather research on the web, hands down. Go ahead and bookmark it.

Singh me a song - talk about a hell of a year. This guy is looking like Tigre' did in the late 90's.

Say whaaaat?

And finally - you can bet your ass I will have front row tickets for this hottness. bobvs.

You guys are beautiful - keep reading - and stay bobvs.