Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Friday, September 03, 2004

Blog All Over Those Tee's

The truth must be told. I am a rock star - maybe not musically or drug related, but definitely by lifestyle. You see - the JägerMonster graduated from college last May and hasn't started his job yet. The break has been tight titties, but I am in need of paychex, Affleck stizz. The people in my apartment complex think I am a trust fund baby, but soon enough I will join the ranks of millions of Americans in the workforce. Because of 'work' I will be unable to:

Drink every night
Go to bars every night
Stay up till 3am every night
Bobvs on tees every night
Wake up an noon every day

Adjustments will be made - but I will overcome.

Wurst way to wake up? Walking into the living room and finding your roommate watching this. MISERABLE!

Bestest Lohan site I have seen in awhile. Anyone else counting down the days till this? I sport her entire collection.

Give me an eph'ing break. Who would pay $75 for that shit? The only Paris Hilton collection I want to be a part of is her 'greatest hits' - if you know what I am saying.



Tonight promises to be one of the best parties of the year. We have a rooftop party that looks out on the Dallas Skyline. Can you say schmears?

The clan:
GoogleCV
Hoffman
T2
A.Parks (Ah ha, hush that fuss everybody move to the back of the bus!)
Charlie "eff'in" Murphy
Scottland Dub
Harshaw'd
Kelly Eich.
Aus10
ect.

Gonna be Übertigs.

Next week will be filled with more buzz - I promise! Stay tuned.

I cook -- I clean -- I bobvs on tees. Aside from my alcohol problem(s), I make the ideal husband.

You Don't Know the Struggle, Man



So I was awoken this morning at 6:45 by my roommate, who, in a quasi-panic alcoholic haze, forgot I shaved a mo-hawk into his head last night (he so asked for it). Unfortch, he totally forgot about it until he was faced staring down a man sporting a patch-work sheep style mo-hawk and red eyes. I couldn't help but laugh for like 15 minutes straight, and then got really pissed for waking up 30 minutes early, hung over no less. Could have really used that extra sleep. Rough morning.

Looks like I'm off to party with Jagermonster (natch), Venus, Scotty Dub, GoogleCV and crew in the Big D, rooftop stizz. Already placed my order for the translucent green bottles featuring my favorite alcoholic animal (supposedly already in the freezer and ready to be drawn from). The Uptown weatherman is calling for showers late-night (comprised mainly of barf). If you're planning on traveling near the intersection of State and Allen, be sure to bring your umbrella, as you might be sprinkled upon with heave (of alcohol poison and bulemia origin...after all...we're only 5 miles from SMU campus). Tees are sure to be bovs (and possibly barfed) upon. Hey man...I'm just trying to live.

Thanks in advance to the girls of 2464 Worthington for the hospitality...Christine, you're the best! (robvs) By the way, I LOVE Belgian Waffles (but will settle for taquitos).

Three day weekend could be detrimental...here's to being alive on Tuesday morning. May Labor Day bless you with a stomach full of beef and Guinness (and a relatively painless exit).

Cheers!







Thursday, September 02, 2004

Chivas Christ!


This is the Chivas Life! Last night was a hell of a time, one of the best I have had since last week. Chivas was opened and Chivas was consumed. Scotch tastings are the tits. Thanks to all who went -- Scottland, Casual Quail Hunter, K-Bob, Erin, GoogleCV, T2. I looooooooooooooooove Scoooooooootch!

Last night started out with some choice adult cocktails : Chivas on rocks, Chivas & Ginger, and Chivas Apple Martini's. Just when we thought our luck couldn't get any better we were led into a ballroom where each of us was seated with 5 shots of scotch in front of us. Our host was a drunk Scottish bagpipe player who has made his living the last 18 years by drinking whiskey. Could be the best profession evs. He was very entertaining and enlightened us about the process of making scotch. It was tigs. Chivas Regal 18 year - fuuuuuuuuueeeeee.

As parting gifts they gave each one of us a bottle of 12 yr Chivas Regal. These people know how to throw a party.

After departing - we drove a block to
The Idle Rich on McKinney Ave. Any bar that serves Hoegaarden is good in Scottland's book. Debauchery ensued.

Tonight mark's the opening night of
Aggie Football - or the start of another losing season. Hey I like A&M just as much as the next guy, but I just don't have faith in our program. Solution? Bring back Bear Bryant from the grave - than we might have a chance, Junction Boys stizz. Howevs, my friends have insisted that Reggie is much more mature this year, whatever that means. If anyone is in Dallas - we will be at the Knox Street Bar - enjoying $2 MillerLites all night long.

"Just because you fuck a felon, it doesn't make you a felon" - Scottland Dub after 5 glasses of Scotch. I have no further explanation at this time.

So Kobe got off. I actually feel sorry for the dude. I mean he went through a lot of shit this past year with the press, fans, and his family (which he probably deserved). As predicted last July - the 'accuser' was after him for fame and money - that is the only logical explanation. Hopefully all the bad vibe towards Kobe will wear off and people will realize that the kid can shoot.

"Is there any tits in this movie" - Jamieson Ryan, prior to watching The Passion.

Apparently the best way to get over Brit-Brit is to make out with a tranny for hours on end. That's right - Brit's ex-beau was spotting making out with a tranny at a nightclub. Not exactly his finest moment(s). If I ever get that wasted where I even talk to a tranny -- someone beat the shit out of me. so obvs.

Drinking urine is the new eating an apple. Say good-bye to sinus trouble, grey hair, and cancer. So sicks.

Don't hurt yourself tonight - it is only Thursday and it is going to be a looooong weekend.

"By the beard of Zeus!"




Do you smell that? A smokey green haze strong enough to choke Tommy Chong is about to occupy Zilker Park in Austin 15 days from now. The epic Austin City Limits Festival, embraced by gentle credit card hippies everywhere, has Charlie Murphy's lacrimal glands wetting themselves like a 30 year old woman on Zestra. Medeski Martin & Wood, G-Love, Trey Anastasio, Drive By Truckers, Gomez, Bob Schneider (BEST), Jack Johnson, Elvis Costello, The Roots, Toots (reggae original), My Morning Jacket, Old 97's, MOFRO (met them...straight from Bonnaroo), Monte Montgomery have my personal approval of hottness. Check them out.

Note to dumbass store clerk: There is no such thing as a $200 bill. Nor is there any type of currency with G-Dub's face on it. Honestly...people never cease to amaze me. (see above pic)

Holy Zell!
Senator Miller's speech last night...wow. This Republican National Convention is heating up man. G-dub to deliver the keynote speech tonight, rodeo stizz. He specifically requested no podiums, and a "bull-pen" style circle in the middle of MSG. Unprecedented...let's see how it works.

Did you honestly think Kobe even had a chance of serving time in Colorado? Come on...you should know by now...professional athletes are above the law. (i'm not saying he didn't do it, i'm just saying i never doubted his innocence).

China, seriously, don't let the communist regime
keep you from getting yours! (albeit by yourself). The porn crackdown - led by Information Minister WANG XuDONG. Irony? Es possible!

Fat Lip - What's up Fat Lip? download it.

Dude, Florida can't seem to catch a break these days. Hurricane Frances (that BITCH!) is headed for the east coast, legs spread as wide as Texas. Batten down the hatches and stay safe out there.

Skunk Stripe called me again last night. She was all "I want to come over tonight" and I was all "Listen...shit that happens at the lake, stays at the lake". Donkeyboatshoes knows what I'm talkin' bout.

Geez...effing lame-o day. I reckon I'll start packing for this weekend. Headed to Austin for a little culture. Disc golf, mountainbiking, wakeboarding (hyperlite stizz), and 6th street beckon my call. Floating the Guadeloupe (or Guad-a-poop) river on Sunday. And by floating I mean passing out in my tube via Jager IV drip. Aquasocks are still cool, right?

Let's hope Coach Fran can bring one home for the Ags tonight (or at least score enough to cover the 9.5 point spread for daddy!)


I'll leave you with this Brit-Brit sideboobage (oh fuuuuuuhhhhhh) to make up for the total lack of buzz today.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"I'm Naaaaaaationwide"



Straight from the lips of ZZ top (if you can find them hidden in that facial bird's nest). Seriously...huge thanks to Uncle Grambo (www.whatevs.org stizz) for all of the helpful input/advice/recognition recently. Like Sacajawea to Lewis and Clark, you have navigated us through this dense forest known as the blog-o-sphere. We owe you, godfather. RESPEC'!

So much hott dripping out of my orifices.

Okay, i'll admit it...i'm a Real World fan. I have no qualms about sitting and watching a whole marathon on a Sunday afternoon while avoiding the books. But it was bound to happen...they have run out of cool cities in America to host the show. Come on...Philadelphia? I know they have professional sports teams and all, but this year's cast is getting screwed.

Ipods...I'm over them. Who really wants to carry around a large, white rectangle with white headphones anyway? Check out the new Sony Network Walkman. Real clean.

Did any of you catch the GOP convention last night? So titties. Ahhhnold was in straight Commando form. You just knew he was going to throw out all sorts of one-liners from previous movies. My fav: "Stop being economic GIRLY-MEN." Partisanship aside, you have to love him for what he's worth (awesome jokes!). I must admit, though, I was expecting a larger range of previous movie quotes (commando, kindergarten cop, BATMAN 3!!!) Left me somewhat unsatisfied. Bush Twins: One is smart and classy, and the other one is Jenna. But for real, I'd love to party with her sometime. The Austin rumor mill has filled me with super fantasies over the past 4 years.

So long Kilby...you will be missed tremendously.

What is this world coming to when "NOW MUSIC 16" replaces Ashlee Simpson (so hot, yet so no-talent ass clown) as the number 1 selling album in music this week. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Doesn't everyone in the world own an effing CD burner by now?! Seriously...I think they give that shit away in cereal boxes.

I have been watching the Texas Rangers religiously since I was a wee lad, and for once I thought we had a shot at making the playoffs this year. Looks like my hopes are dwindling as the game count grows fewer. Problems sound hauntingly familiar: Best-in-league offense meets underachieving pitching. Chan Ho Park...some say worst deal to hit Dallas since Shawn "The Praying Mantis" Bradley. EFFFFFFFFFFF!

"Which A-Rod would you rather be: Alex Rodriguez or Andy Roddick?" Interesting question posed by Sportscenter this morning. Do you mean pre or post Mandy Moore breakup, because I would totally live life Groundhog Day stizz if it's pre. (obvs)

The administration at Texas Tech out in Lubbock, Tx must be beside themselves after learning that Bobby Knight may have a deal in the works for a sitcom based on his life. Although they do say any publicity is good publicity. Pretty skeptical...I'll be checking it out, regardless.

Carly Patterson...is it just me or is she kind of a camera hog?

Tara Reid is the new ______ (insert trashy, burnt out young female B-list celebrity here).


Picked up the new Drive By Truckers cd yesterday (The Dirty South). So best. Already owning Decoration Day and Southern Rock Opera, my anticipation was met with much delight after the first listen. Can't wait to listen again.

You know how you always hear about kids with weird-ass names penned by their parents. And I'm not talking Apple or KoKo. For instance, one time I heard a story of a friend of a friend of a friend (you know how that goes) who's name was Oranjello...supposedly concocted from Cosby's favorite snack. (orange + Jello). Crazy. Anyway...today at my place of work (medical in origin), this woman brings her daughter in. Her name: Toshiba! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who would do that to their kid?! Way to be original mom. For the love. Now your kid is going to have a complex by the age of 13. I would be changing that shit, pronto.

And finally, for weeks I have had friends trying to convince me to jump on the deodorant body spray bandwagon. I finally caved in and purchased a can of the Old Spice "Red Zone" spray, because the AXE effect wasn't doing it for me (seriously...they all smelled bad to me). I must say...I am somewhat pleased...I wear scrubs all day, and this is the perfect solution to smelling fresh without me having to waste my slightly more expensive cologne (does Aquavelva count?).

Alright...I'm off to the ole Kroger, because I just received their flyer in the mail, and they have avacados 4 for $1. Eat that shit like apples. I apologize for the late buzz, but school and work kept me at bay all afternoon.

Until next time....

It's Getting Hott In Here!

Can you SAAAAAY Shara-Hottness?


She isn't getting uglier - I swear. I, like many Americans was glued to the tele last night watching Maria sweat it out again someone less talented - and by less talented I mean she was fugly. She wasn't bringing the goods I was looking for on the court. In the end - hottness prevailed - as it should. Let's hope Maria has another Cinderella story at The Open, much like Wimblebest.

In totally unrelated news, Hurricane Drew blew through Dallas yesterday. Don't run over to
weather.com to see pictures of the damage. The damage done was mostly to livers and credit cards. All I can really say is that Ol' Crowe whiskey - so shits.

Apparently
The Gingerman has a new beer on tap. It's called VTL. (SFW). It was in high demand last night as 3 were spotted in less than 10 minutes. robvs all over them t-backs.

"It's not so much me as it is Roenick, he's good." In an interview with
ESPN yesterday, Jeremy Roenick admitted that he has placed several bets (totaling over $100 G's) on various sporting events. He also claims that he has never placed a single bet on hockey. If you ask me it sounds like booze and blow are involved, but that can be neither confirmed nor denied -essentially I just made that up. Roenick - you got the hair to be Pete Rose, let's hope you don't actually become Pete Rose or your days of being a hero on Nintendo's 'Blades of Steel' will be over.

The producers of "The Late Late Show" have lined up
four guest hosts to fill the void left by former host Craig Kilbs. Making the cut are Michael Ian Black, D.L. Hughley, Amy Sedaris, and JIM ROME! Many people know that I have been a clone for quite some time. I used to listen to Romey everyday in College Station - it would make my day/year if he did in fact get the 'late-late' job. Best of luck, from the Jungle. (via whatevs.org)

And finally - don't wait up for me tonight kids. I have a
Chivas Regal tasting event tonight at The Crescent. Fair enough! Thank you GoogleCV for the invite!

Stay bobvs people.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

We Will Become Silhouettes

Right back at ya kids! Another day of more buzz than your tees can handle. By the end of it all you will be dripping with bobvs, I tell you. We are gonna take over this world - one blog at a time, natch.

Only thing worse than preseason football - the Pro Bowl - schmears. Entertainment value = 0. Who wants to watch 2nd and 3rd stringers for more than like 2 minutes? You won't find that person in this house.

Deion 'Prime-Time' Sanders to play for the Ravens! Give me an eff'ing break. Yet another sad example of when an athlete does not realize that he should stay retired, MJ stizz.

You question our patois? Well it is in the dictionary. Which means it is tigs - obvs.

Let me ask you - how do you feel about Jessica Beal being in Maxim? I am for it. She is my summer caaaaaaatch - bobvs all over them.

If I was a locksmith I'd be pimping that out - I'd be like 'tell you what I'll trade you - a free key duplication.'

Turning your late husband into a diamond is the new - no it's just fuckin sick.

The Passion of The Christ came out on DVD today - Spoiler - Jesus dies.

Getting rid of Gmail invites is harder than expected. I have 2 left - any takers?

Matt Damon's uncle becomes the oldest dude to swim 'The Channel'. How do you like dem apples? (via Thigh Master)

Carly Patterson is the new Amanda Bynes - so much hottness and so much potential.

Time for me to catch some UV's and get some serious PT action.

It hardly seems fair we'd get the universe all to ourselves, but on a personal level I'm highly disturbed by the thought of extraterrestrial life. If there are, in fact, billions of other civilizations, where does that leave our celebrities? If worth is measured on a sliding scale of recognition, what would it mean if we were all suddenly obscure? How would we know our place?

Best of luck to Scottland Dub and The Silent Assassin - bobvs all over that CPA exam.



"So I made her the queen of my double-wide trailer"

Sammy Kershaw said it best...



Britney, honey, you need to wear your shoes in the parking lot. Didn't mom ever tell you not to walk around on the streets bare-footed? I bet your back alley trash, home-made meth lab fiance will lick those dogs tonight regardless (okay...so i would consider it).

Speaking of, if any of you subscribe to GQ magazine (which i highly recommend), flip to the last page. It is an open letter from the magazine to the pop princess. So funny. Direct excerpt: "You know how bad it's gotten, Britney? Here's who's hotter than you: Hoobastank." OUCH! Well...at least you know it's only up from here, because it certainly doesn't get any worse than Hooba-Suck. POSERS.

G-Dub...you've got some unbelievable supporters in the ranks (NSFW-not suitable for work!) Will they be appearing this week at the convention???

Dallas Cowboys...strong showing last night. Despite his age, old man Vinny looked like he was....well...35 at the MOST! Damn fine performance. And how about Keyshawn? I don't care how he runs his mouth. If he continues to play like that, he can talk all he wants to. Unfortunate schedule for Da Boys though. Finished a game last night, and have to turn around and play Thursday night. All the better for me though...Aggies on ESPN (might be scary), and Cowboys on ABC. A sixer of Guinness and some Wings should round off a perfect evening (i would have added the company of a girl...but i said a wanted a perfect night).

Seriously, people, stop picking on Paul Hamm! That guy is going to commit suicide if this shit goes on any longer!

anywiz, gotta get caught up on some reading...possible update to come. NATCH!





Monday, August 30, 2004

"Sounds like someone has a case of the MUNDAYS"

Alright bitches, let’s get dirty.

Get your nasty little cabbage smelling hands back, The Murph has hott o’ plenty to go around.

I have a beef with Mcdonald's (no pun intended). Whatever happened to those badass commercials with Ronald Mcdonald prancing around a frozen lake, or fat-assed Grimace waddling around singing of Big Macs and special sauce? And let’s not forget the eternal Hamburglar (personal fav). I saw perhaps the shittiest Mcdonald's commercial today…some douche-bag office rat (of Rob Schneider Saturday Night Live origin) is talking about his oh-so-tasty new chicken strips, throwing out all sorts of shitty one liners. Or how about the ad with the inner city brothas playing basketball on rollerblades? Are you kidding me? First of all, which African American (inner city no less) do you know who owns a pair of rollerblades? Let alone enough to fill both sides of a basketball court. And please, you can’t freaking dunk with that shit on. What, is the iron only 7 feet tall? I mean...is it me, or is Mcdonald's pretty much done? Due to a worldwide obesity epidemic (which I’ve had the luxury to write several twenty page papers on thanks to my life as a public health grad student), people are starting to eat healthy. In response, Mickey Deez (NUTZ!) decides to offer, get this, healthy happy meals! Contents include salad, bottled water, and a pedometer. “Mommy, can we stop by Mcdonald's so I can get one of those salad happy meals?!” SHYAAH!

Sportscenter…it’s seen better days. I’m talking Kilby, Steiner, Olberman, Mayne. You remember those days. “JUMANJI!” “EN FUEGO!”. Non stop laughs to supplement my daily regimen of sports. Not only is ESPN erroneously trying to make Sportscenter more professional, they are desperately trying to corner a piece of the reality tv market. I’m talking of course about “Dream Job”. I must admit, when I first heard about this concept…I was a bit excited. Zacharias (the badass-guitar playing-long hair wearing-unshaven-funny one line tossing contestant) was the obvious choice for the job. Right? Apparently not, as they selected the pussy ass, borderline homosexual Mike, who makes me want to run into a brick wall every time I see him on screen. Well, get ready, because Dream Job 2 starts in a couple of weeks. I can’t wait to see what lame-o, cookie cutter loser they employ next. Know that I will be pulling for Anish!

Note to self: the next time (or the first time) I decide to get in a fight with some jackass on Northgate (and I don’t mean break-dance fighting, NXNG stizz), I’ll make sure to size up his ears for my sake.

Listen now, hear me later. Quickest way to catch up on the B.A.C. meter when you are way behind in the count…drop a shot of vodkie in your Keystone Light. Seriously…'Stones and Skol…some say quickest route to barftown evs.

I am addicted to coffee. 4 travel mugs/day. Kidneys like the hoover dam.

Republican Convention: huge buzz. Former mayor Ed Koch…who knew the ole democrat was a switch hitter?! Seriously…did he used to play Grandpa on the MUNSTERS? By the way, did you see any of the protesting going on Sunday? What a joke! That wasn’t a protest…it was effing Mardi Gras on NYC. I saw more nasty whores without bras dancing around than I’ve ever witnessed in the Crescent City. Go home you credit card hippies. “THE BUMS LOST, LEBOWSKI!”


Music Tele Vision…lately (and by lately I mean for the past 6 years) I’d rather watch the Lifetime channel for women. Talk about going from cutting edge to corporate sell-out. The music they play on that channel (yeah…all 20 minutes of it) is a culmination of fake-angry, pseudo punk pre-teen kids who sing songs (all of which are pre-written for them) about life events which they've never had, nor ever will experience. Leading the list of losers is Good Charlotte. Hey…let’s get some devil-cult style tattoos, dye our hair, and have crazy piercings, yet we’ll sound like the chipmunks meet pop rock. Seriously…dress how you sound. At first glance, I would imagine some hardcore, Slayer style metal band. The way you sound, I should be digging skirts, training bras, and puma shoes out of your wardrobe closet. Don’t even get me started on Avril, Hillary Duff, New Found Glory, (insert shitty fake punk band here), etc. By the way…VMA’s…no buzz. Schmears.

The hockey world cup just started. Who effing cares. (go Stars!)

Well, apparently Mase is back. Didn’t take him long to realize there is no money in preaching. His rap is now focused and "squeaky clean”. Obviously why he signed with Bad-Boy records. Hmmmm…

Kevin Smith will soon be getting ready to shoot a sequel to Clerks. I couldn’t help but wince when I heard of a sequel to such a good movie. By the way, Kevin, in the future let’s do some work with someone other than Ben Affworst.

Going back to politics…the Dems are definitely winning the War On Music. Have you seen their line-up? Stellar! Pearl Jam (best!), The Boss, REM. G-Dub…seriously…is Brooks & Dunn, Kid Rock, and Michael W. Smith (what the fuck?) all you can muster up??!! Might have to attend the Donkey concert incognito. Oh wait…I am a white, twenty-something male from Texas. It would be dead giveaway. Note to self: start practicing fake yankee accent, wear black dress socks with tennis shoes, and don’t tan for 4 weeks.

Paris Hilton wrote a book. Okay…so she talked into a tape recorder and had a literate person transcribe it for her.

And finally, airlines are making an effort to make airline food more appealing to our palette. What was wrong with one-fourth of a coke and a roast-beast sandwich? (which was served on the last flight I’ve been on where a meal was served, roughly 10 years ago).

Until next time....

“I found a fatal flaw, in the logic of love, and go out of my head. You are the sinking stone, that will never be loved, so get used to the lonesome, you must atone some, don’t leave me no phone number there, la-de-dah.”
-the shins “a call to apathy”


Roofies and Pukies

As usual, this weekend was filled with detrimental times to my body. I went from zero to supa-eff'ed in about 3 minutes. As my good friend Bob Monette(that's ME!) would say "I got TIP SIE ACED". Somehow all the shots,beer,licka,and insane dancing (which included ripping my shirt off) caused me to ralph all over TT's car door. So durst on my parts. Howevs, Saturday night was a hell of a time -- 70's stizz at the Tea Room. Shout out to Kim 'K-bob' Yerby - bobvs all over your birthday tees.

Hey Mom - I won Gold!!! (and didn't even get g-dubs!!!) According to
Esspen, Durex donated 130,000 condoms and 30,000 tubes of 'lubricant'. Congrats to all the athletes who scored both on and off the field. I know if I were there (or b-marsh) I would be knocking on Courtney Kupet's or Carly Patterson's door. schmobvs all over those gymnast tees. It is GOOD to see these games are finally over, 16 days of unproductive behavior needed to cease.

In yet another poor move on his part, The Fez(deutsch bag) gives
Lohan(goddess) a promise ring - Samford stizz. Who seriously does this anymore? no buzz.

VMA's? More like VMGAY's. Scottland and I forced ourselves to watch, but continually found ourselves switching channels begging to find something MORE entertaining than that crap. Once again, another un-delightful MTV production. Are we supposed to get excited about P-diddy and Urrrrsher fighting over who rented the biggest yacht? I will say that I chuckled when I saw the drummer for Jet - so best. Polyphonic spree - so wurst - duhvs.

If I were a betting man - and I am - I would bet that Jay-Z isn't 'retired'. I think he is going to pull an MJ and come back, like 6 times.

Someone seriously wrote a book about metrosexuality? If anyone buys this book you have too much disposable income, and our friendship is terminated - fobvs.

Also - if you waste $59.98 to buy the Apprentice - the complete first season, you are Übergay. The fact that someone rated it 5 stars is totally mind-boggling. These people should be saving their money and spending it on something useful. For rilz.

You guys are the tits and you know it....