Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Thursday, November 25, 2004

You're Done, Dude.



I'm am blogging while basking on the balmy beach (alliteration beyyyotch, Hendrick Middle School Stizz) of South Carolina's finest - Kiawah Island. So best.

Plane ride on Tuesday morning? WURST evs. Remind me never to fly Delta again. Small ass plane. Hungover (obvs). Seated next to a 4 year old who insisted on climbing in my lap the entire time. To combat this, I simply blew my stale, alcohol rich breath in his face the entire trip. Don't eff with the Jagermonster.

Shake that thang!
DonkeyBoner Exclusive! Looking for some Dallas Mavericks Skanks? Apparently Primo's on Mckinney is the place to go after a loss. Myself, G.A.B.E., and Ed witness 10-12 Dallas Mavericks dancers (i.e. sluuuts) walk into Primo's on Monday night after the game. We were also surprised when Devin Harris, the Mavericks rookie PG, walked in later. Isn't that guy like 19 years old? Don't worry he was drinking a strawberry 'rita.

'Tis true these things the Charlie "I'm not a weekend Blogger" Murphy has said. I did in fact invest in the Jager Tap - and let me tell you. It's the tits. Feel free to stop by and indulge in the 5 degree Jager. mmmmm.

Late Night Happiness
Speaking of the tits - I have heard the best way to obtain bitch tits is from eating several Hardee's 'Monster Thickburgers'. How is this for a late night after the bar - 1420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 2 1/3 lb patties, all on a BUTTERED BUN. BeeTeeDubs, they do have a Hardee's in South Carolina and you can bet your ass I will be documenting the adventure via the Mavica.

Matty V, so hott
Good News! Matty V has earned the esteemed honor of being this year's sexiest/most bobvs man! Congrats.


Speaking of The Venus, apparently wearing Diesel Jeans, an Express shirt, and a Thomas Pink tie will earn you the title of 'Uptown Jamie' - according to M.V. Dubya - Tee - Eff.

Better late than never. Yes, that's right. My Goddess - Lindsay Lohan has dumped Wildurst's ass. Do you really think it is just a coincidence that both Lohan and myself have become suddenly single in the past 30 days? Destiny I tell you. SupaBobvs.

Michael Cheney - you might be interested in this. Schmears.

I have decided that there is just to much julliard going on in Dallas this past week.

While some of my friends have become obsessed with The Facebook, I am not that impressed. What's all the hype? Am I the only one that thinks it is crap?

MckOlympics is the new Northgate Olympics and coffee cups full of Jager is the new Saki Bomb. Stay tuned - 12/3/2004, natch.

You know how much the Jagermonster likes to pimp products. And contrary to popular folklore, the Jagermonster does not have purrfect skin. I must use facial wash products or else I look like a 14 year old at Sadie Hawkins Dance. Best new facial wash - It's so Icey.

Huge ups to Harshaw & E to tha A for making the trip to The Dallas (I love The Dallas) for a hellava weekend. It was epic friends. Jager Bombs, Mambo Taxis, and of course walking 2 miles home at 2:15 in the am. Classic fools.

Do you want to share an earbud?

"MJ's my boy!!!"

Happy Thanksgiving from The DB - and remember, I get the drumstick. Gobble Gobble.

JM

Monday, November 22, 2004

Put that shit on some waffles!



That's right kids. My partner, the Jagermonster, has wisely invested in a Jagermeister Tap!!! Are you effing kidding me? Ice-Cold labial bliss. So good when it hits your lips...so good! Bottle count (7 days old mind you) = 7. I can smell the black-liquorice vahmit now.

A couple of weeks ago, Dude...I can almost see her panties!I posted a picture of the most rediculous invention evs - The Arm Pillow. Those crazy asians have one-upped themselves by coming up with something a bit more scandalous...the Girlfriend's Lap Pillow. I mean...come on. The thing has a skirt. Don't you think that's just a little creepy? The palms of every petter-ass across the nation are getting sweaty in anticipation. Dude...that's fucking weird.

Children at a Southlake, Texas elementary school received an early lesson in sex ed when an American Government informational video was switched with a porn tape and shown during an assembly. Reminds me of the time in 5th grade after the "Changes" sex ed tape when Shawn Burns asked the school nurse what a blow job was. Classic.
Elementary School Essential
PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) = most worthless organization EVS. Fish don't have feelings. And even if they did, I wouldn't stop eating them because Mrs. Paul is a nice lady and I love her fish sticks. Those fuck-o's need to get a clue and join the rest of us in the real world.

Have your local radio stations started playing Christmas music yet? Dallas already has 2 stations playing all Christmas, all the time. Don't get me wrong...I'm a sucker for "Holly Jolly Christmas" (right Stinie?)...but I can forsee a huge burnout come week 3. Isn't there a strict "No Christmas Until After Thanksgiving" policy?

Speaking of douche-bags, Michael Moore Fat Bastard is planning on making a follow up shockumentary to Farenheight 911. I mean...is there really any new material for you to cover, or are you just going to film like 20 sob stories like that woman from Flint, MI? What's with the personal vendetta against the Bush family? Seriously man...give it a rest. Everyone knows you're a fraud. You are not helping anyone out by exploiting these poor families for the benefit of your pockets. When you join the military, you know what you are getting into. These noble men and women sign an oath to serve and protect our country...knowing death is a risk. Ill defer to my man Vitamin P Didler... "I do have a little military background (west point 1998). When you enter into the military you take an oath. By taking this oath, you know what you are giving up as a civilian to enter a life in the armed forces. These soldiers know that by becoming a soldier, marine, seaman, guard, or pilot that they may one day be required to put their life on the lines, for the liberties we enjoy. To say Bush is sending them to their death is wrong. These men and women know what is expected when they raise their right hand." Well put. Do us a favor, Bitch-Tits, and clean the Big Mac secret sauce out of your moostache.

I'm hoping everyone saw the fight that broke out between the Pacers and the Pistons Friday night. Break yo'self!
So effing best. Ben Wallace...holy shit. I never want to cross paths with that fist. I can't believe how out of control the fans got. Ron Artest's cleft palate getting fucked up by Detroit Fans = Marvelous. Now you can take the rest of the season off to promote your rap album, jackass. Hands down my most hated player in the NBA. Beer flying everywhere...so classic. How embarrassing for the Pacers...Saturday night's match looked like a pick up game at the local YMCA. I must say I watched Sportscenter with a huge grin on my face. Eff the Thuggish Ruggish Bone Pacers. Fobvs.

Northgate Friday night...Greg and I were bovsing all over those Plus-Sized Model Tees!!! NATCH.

Whataburger at 4am...good idea. Eating your taquito in my jeep while wasted...bad idea. Leaf spring suspension + drunk picante sauce pouring = red jeans...leaky tampon stizz.

Arghh!





Are you still hiding under the deck at Darcey's lake house?







30 days till Charlie Murphy relocates to the socialite capital of Texas, Uptown Stizz! Get your umbrellas and Jager bottles ready. Schmears.

Don't Change.