Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Back By Popular Demand's been a while. I know I said I would be better about posts...I really don't have an excuse...please don't break up with me. I heart you. With an arrow through it. Shot by cupid...who has a boner. Yesssssssssss.

I have recently picked up an item to aid in my blogging efforts...the Lenovo IBM Thinkpad. Best evs. I mean...blogging while watching The Hills = Bliss. Throw in the wireless router and you might never get me off of this beautiful mocha couch. Good thing I didn't opt for the clear plastic cover. Or maybe I should have......(wireless laptop....laying down on couch....bored...surfing internet....risque sites....mmmmmmmmmmm). Just don't ask me why I keep a towel under my sofa.

Speaking of The Hills...I'm not quite as addicted as I was to Laguna...but it still rings in as my number 1 spot for reality tv.

Things I miss from Laguna:

-Steeeepppphhhheeeeen and Kristin...their ever-so-twisted love triangle, and her tees.
-I miss Jessica's bounteous flapjacks.
-I miss hot Alex (blonde)
-I miss Lo
-I miss Laguna High. (tear)

Things I don't miss:
-Jason...I mean...really....LC...drop that sack of sticky douche and find someone else. That dude's beard is starting to make me itch. What a pussy. I think I heard they're still together. Wurst.
-The girl who was supposedly in beauty pagents...I think her name was Casey? Nice prom dress beautiful slut rag.
-Fat Alex.

They've basically replaced all of the hot girls with annoying, immature trustfund babies (Heidi), and countless chaches all recently moved to LA trying to "make it as an actor". Good luck...I hope you have a back-up plan. 1-800- BARTEND perhaps?

So I think I'm finally starting to recover from the Mavericks-Post-Gag-Playoff run. We've lost Marquis Daniels...which means I won't be getting second hand stoned from my 3rd deck seats anymore. KVH might be on his way out...not sure how I feel about it. I was a fan during the season...until he got hurt and started jacking up fruitless 3's without reservation. Shades of Antwoine Walker...and that shimmy. Brings back nightmares. Is just me or does he look like a scrawney George Forman with 13 year old girl saggy tits? Get a training bra under that jersey. Seriously. Hopefully Avery can whip them into shape and get them to "paaaassss the baaaawwwlll" more fluidly. (in my best Avery voice). And get Frankenstein (aka Cuban) behind the glass in a box on the upper level. I'm getting tired of seeing that aweful haircut/hightops/black jeans/leather mavericks bomber jacket.'re brilz but let's get it together.

I have eaten mexican food 5 out of the last 6 days. I always say I could eat mexican food (specifically Manny's Uptown...mmm...brisket tacos) every day for the rest of my life...but I think I might have overstepped my boundaries a bit. Let's just say my stomach and I aren't on the best of terms right now. I spent 45 minutes on the white seat last night with possibly the worst knotted up feeling in my stomach of my life....felt like Sonic the Hedgehog was cutting his patented razor flips all the way down from my duodenum to my large intestine...Sega stizz. I think it's nature's way of telling me I can't eat jalepenos anymore. Might have gone through half a box of wet wipes. I had to take stand up breaks like every 5 minutes to keep my lower half from going numb. Don't want to spawn a know?

There was a "suspiscious white powder" found in a letter sent to the NY times today. Here's a's coke....and I'd like it back. You'll find my return address in the upper left corner. hand got a little shaky when I wrote that.

It looks like Bruce Arena will be stepping down as the US soccer team's head coach. Maybe if you would have selected a single player over 5 foot 7, we could have been competitive. And someone call Tony Meola...that guy has to have a pair of goalie gloves lying around somewhere. Lets bring back that beautiful black pony tail for one more round of US soccer glory (sarcasm).

Pete Townshend announced he will be taking a break from 13 year old boys to re-unite with original Who band member Roger Daltry for a 16 date US tour later this year. I'm sure they'll bypass Texas altogether... but if not, look for this guy in the crowd jamming to Baba O'reilly and Eminence Front (Mavs Pre-Game Stizz). Huge.

"After yet another errant shot, Michelle Wie groaned and tugged her baseball hat down over her eyes. Nice try. There was no escaping the ugliness on her scorecard, though."

Classic. You might want to try winning on the LPGA tour before you even think about another PGA event. Maybe you'd have better luck on the Senior tour. And I'm pretty sure Lee Trevino would still kick your ass....Fighting Golf Stizz. (Circa 1988...pre Golden Tee...obvs). At least you have better boobs than Anika. that's irony. Please enjoy Coors Light responsibly, right Pete?

Justin...dude...musicians don't make good actors. Didn't you ever watch Glitter? Crossroads? Swept Away? either. Let's just stick to creating music that makes girls want to shake their good parts on the dance floor.

Okay, so one of my favorite bands of recent years has a new album out. You've seen them on Charlie Murphy's Hottness in the past. The band's name is The Long Winters. Their previous album, "When I Pretend To Fall" is one of my favorites of all time. That's a bold statement. Anyway...get that album, and then check out their new album "Putting The Days To Bed". Stream the new album here. So dripping.

I'm also buzzing on the new Thom Yorke album out...sans Radiohead, "The Eraser" which you can stream at as the album of the month. Heard some negative buzz so far...mostly by mainstream reviewers....I give it a big thumbs up...but I've always thought he/they are brilliant. In the meantime, also check out the new Pearl Jam self titled cd, the new Snow Patrol "Eyes Open", and the new Phoenix album "It's Never Been Like That".

By the way...Zack Braff has a new movie coming out with a soundtrack that seams pretty tight. Problem is, ol Zack is a bit behind the times. Charlie Murphy approved artists featured on the new Braff "Last Kiss" soundtrack which have been featured on the Donkey Boner in the past 3 years include:

Snow Patrol
Turin Brakes

The songs they picked for the soundtrack are pretty old...but good. Pretty good variety of good artists...a couple I don't really like. Anyway....just remember you heard some of them here first.

And with that I'm out to do a mountain of laundry. 4 loads. I'm on my last pair of underwear...which is like pair #6 or 7...unlike you girls out there who might own 36 different thongs...not including the granny panties. Ain't that right skunk stripe?

Don't change. Don't you ever change.

Charlie Murphy


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