Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Thursday, April 07, 2005

"I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"Mexicans love The Dallas Cowboys, Bud Light, and Looney Tunes...especially the Tazmanian Devil" -The Gabe

Well...I attended my first death metal concert over the weekend. The Dubs and I braved the Slipknot concert on Saturday night. Much to my was not as miserable of an experience as I had thought. Not so much because of the music...we'll get into that in a second. I got more laughs out of those four hours than any re-run of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge as of late. Let's start with the obvious...Mullets were in full force. Conventional mullets, mexi-mullets, skullets, terribly dyed red and black mullets. It was a collection of bad coifs that hair queen Kyan from Queer Eye would have jacked off to all week. And I've never seen so many pairs of JNCO's in my life. I almost felt bad for some of these guys...wearing black lipstick and too much eyeshadow. It makes you wonder where along these kids' lives did it all go wrong? I'm sure it stems from too much late night sneaky uncle as a child, or possibly overbearing parents. provided for hours of viewing pleasure. The opening band was called Lamb of God. A collection of the most embarrassingly terrible music I've ever heard in my life. I mean, I could easily put on a black t-shirt, write some lyrics about how I hate life, and mumble unrecognizable lyrics into a microphone and sound way better than these ass-clowns. Slipknot was a more visually appealing show. They seem to have a bit more talent than anyone else I've heard of that genre (which is a stricktly limited list). They're still no Pantera.

On the other hand, I have been able to catch a few quality shows over the past couple of weeks. Ambulance LTD played at Trees a couple of weeks back. Great show...although I have no idea why they were opening for The French Kicks and not the other way around. Ambulance is a much better band. French kicks were pretty bush league in my opinion...but maybe they were just having a bad night. The next week I caught Dogs Die in Hot Cars opening for Phoenix. Both being on my top 10 list of bands for the past year...felt quite lucky that they decided to swing through Dallas (a la South by Southwest). Fucking great show by two brilliant bands. If you've never checked them out, I highly recommend both bands. And just last week, caught The Decemberists at Trees. Another great show. I may or may not have fallen in love with the hot violin player. So hot. And when she sang lead on this one song she wrote, I was mesmerized. Download/Buy/Itune all three bands to get a leg up on some of these cutting edge indie acts.

I saw Woody Allen's "Melinda and Melinda" last night. Great movie (and great performance by Will Ferrell). I thoroughly enjoyed movie I've seen since Sideways. But don't forget to bring your 9 mil or a rape whistle to the movie if you're in Dallas, because the only theater currently showing it in the city is the off Haskell and 75. Definitely not Tinseltown.
Lowes City Place

Word on the street is Michael Vick has got the HERPS. MMMMMmmmNasty. According to the 26 year old accuser Sonia Elliot, he used the so-dirty-yet-so-titties alias "Ron Mexico" when getting tested for the Simplex Deux. I think I might adopt that one. The name, not the herps.

Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning author of one of my favorite books "Henderson the Rain King" passed away this week. What's the deal with all of these famous people dying lately?

I've been spending some quality time with my "on again, off again" friend Levi Garrett. You might know him. If you don't, allow me to introduce you sometime. He's been most recently spotted hanging out at some high profile Dallas Socialite hotspots such as The Old Monk. A true friend who will never do you wrong, Levi knows how to pick you up when you most need it.

The Lakers are out of the playoff race, and I couldn't be happier. Unlike marriage, Kobe can't buy his way out of this one. Let's hope Phil Jackson doesn't head back to LA next year. He would be crazy not to coach Baby MJ with the Cavs.

I like you

In today's white trash news, Britney and her herpe of a husband -Federwurst- are set to star in a new WB reality show together, Newlyweds stizz. Says Britney, "I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened rather than all the stories, which have been misconstrued by journalists in the past."'re saying that little FUPA action is not a baby but the product of a cheetoh/redbull overindulgence?

Whataburger: Best Breakfast Food Evs. But look out...The Burger King is trying to steal Charlie Murphy's heart4 stomachs away with this mouth-watering donkey sized breakfast hoagie. It's a good thing BK isn't open late-night, or else I might be investing in my very own AED. Kudos to the funny yet creepy advertising campaign though.

Looks like I've got my weekend already planned out, and it involves beer, a television, and dimpled balls. Not your dad's scrotum, Skunkstripe. I'm referring only to the greatest sporting event known to gentlemen around the nation. The Masters. Let's hope for an exciting last round finish on par with the Tiger/BitchtitsPhil battle at Doral this year. Schmears.

I'll leave you with this Mitch Hedberg quote to get you through the day...

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."