Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Distended belly


Worst way to start the day evs? An emergency restroom brake (deuce stizz) at New Orleans MSY airport 5 minutes pre-board. Rather than suffering uninterrupted mysterious stomach noises for the duration of the flight, a game-time decision was made. Unfortch for me, all three stalls were taken by what appeared to be a reunion tour of 80's rap group The Fat Boys. Seriously...I could feel my palms starting to sweat in quasi-panic mode. Make no mistake though...porcelain was painted. After an awkward moment involving some improper rigging of my triple stacked toilet seat sanitary paper rings, The Murph was on his way. Lesson learned: never open-throat a travel sized mug of coffee en route to the nastiest airport on earth. schmears.

I definitely weighed in at a good 4 lbs heavier at work this morning. I won't even go through last week's menu. Let's just say meals mainly consisted of meats, starches, sugars, and pork fat. I gorged on items most of you have never even heard of, much less tasted...Boudin and Cracklins being the top 2 favs (see below). Who else do you know makes a breakfast out of pork/rice sausage and straight up fried pork fat? Cajun Cooking = BEST EVS. By the way, is my family the only one who had 2 turkeys this holiday? One deep fried, one oven baked. Been a while since I've seen that much breast. ZING!

Celeb Trend of 2004: Ruining your kid's life with a shitty name. Most recent addition...Julia Roberts who named her twins Hazel and PHINNAEUS??? WTF? Seriously...get over yourself and give your kid a normal name. Real creative Julia. Give me an effing break.

Brett Michaels' $3,000 guitar, which was recently stolen, has been anonymously returned. No word yet, though, on the hair which has been missing from the top of his head for some time now. We'll keep you updated.

Congratulations, Dr.'ve just won Charlie Murphy's award for the most rediculous title ever fit onto a coke can: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Don't even think about caffeine free.

Looks like Tom Hanks will extend his streak of bad movie selections by taking lead role in The Da Vinci Code. I smell an overcommercialized, over hyped, mediocre film devoid of buzz.

Sideways by Rex Pickett. Great Book. Fast Read. Finished the last half over a bottle of Red. Highly recommended. Highly anticipating the movie. See sidebar for details.

And with that...I'm off to dig in someone's mouth.

Don't change.