Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Two Burritos and a Stool Softener...

...a recipe for true love...just ask Scotty Dubs. Just so long as it doesn't mess up his JNCO Chinos. So Best.

Mardi Gras...Dallas Stizz. Charlie Murphy, Craaaaiiiiiiig, DJ Ketter, The Goldapp, GoogleCV, Spaghetti, Booty Lee Fonzworth, and others ended the pub crawl (Hurricane's, followed by The Dubliner, followed by Stan's Blue Note) last night at the Lakewood Bar & Grille for some late-night karaoke. The star studded list of performers included, but were not limited to, Carlton (as pictured with Tito Jackson's hair, singing "Return of the Mac"...complete with lyrics) Rick Moranis sporting the "Men's Warehouse Special" suit (via ketter), an 80 year old lady singing Daddy was a Coal Miner (she brought her own cd), Bob singing his best Bobby Darin, and some dude named Vance singing Tool's "Schism"...which by the way is the worst possible choice for karaoke in a crowded bar EVS...followed by an inappropriate Jesus joke...totally killed the mood...for about 5 seconds.

I almost freaking blew a gasket today when I found out I was only getting half the Income Tax Rape Refund I was expecting. Seriously...I guess I won't be buying that sweet Huffy Sledgehammer after all.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
-Albert Einstein

"I have a left mammary"
-Charlie Murphy with left breast pocket inside out, post Maredsous Massacre

Well aparently Corey Feldman (of Stand By Me and The Surreal Life fame) was coming up on the losing end of a few games of Late Night Sneaky Uncle with his overgrown pal Michael Jackson. Based upon past experiences, he has recently come to a "sickening realization" about his childhood relationship with the crotch grabber. He must have succumbed to the Boone's Party Coke like the rest of the kids.

You know how beer manufacturers (specifically imports) each have their own special little glass with ensignia adorned on the front (many of which comprise C-Murph's own drinking glass collection). Hoegaarden with the large, thick glass. Grolsch - slightly taller and skinny. Guiness...skinny at the bottom with a bulbous top. I'm going to write a letter to the brewer's of one of my favorite bevy's, jet-fuelMaredsous, to reconsider the almost wine goblet styled "Cup of Christ" glass with gold trim they distribute to bars for serving. I feel like such a choach drinking from that rediculously viking-esque chalice. What ever happened to the simple pint glass? Get over yourselves.

Speaking of, the last time I spent an evening on the Maredsous I woke up with my shirt on inside out and backwards...4 hours after making/eating a scrambled egg sandwich which was not nearly as satisfying as a Whataburger tacquito. I don't know what it is about that place...but I'll be damned if I can't make a fucking tacquito taste like theirs. And I even tried extra butter last time.

According to Us Weekly, Lindsey Lohan has been spending some quality time with Johnny Knoxville while they're both in New Orleans shooting their respective movies. I mean...Knoxville is tight and all...but dating material? Aren't you the little rebel. Keep up the good work and write me as soon as you make it into the Tara Reid Club.

And in the best bit if entertainment news I've heard all week, the Desperate Housewives Season 1 dvd will include all of the racy bits which didn't make it past the editing room at ABC. So Hott.

Best Super Bowl commercial this year. My favorite: Mama's Boy. "Breast fed until the age of 7." Classic.

I'm giving up fried food for lent. If you run into me on the street and I'm cranky, you'll know why.

Happy Thursday.

Tomorrow is Friday.

Tacquitos don't count as fried food. Yesssssssssssssss!

Don't Change.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Slightly Used Jetski

Your popsicle is melting.

Well hello long lost friends. No need to refresh - your eyes are not deceiving you. The Jagermonster is back - but before I get to far into this, I must make a earth-shattering confession. Everybody knows the Jagermonster used to get deep in the sauce many a times a week (duhvs, skunkstripe!). Well let me just tell you I have contained myself since 1/1/2k5. That's right peop's (no not peabs), the Jagermonster has given up Jager. You heard me right. I have been sans Jager for for 34 days - and let me tell you, it was the best thing for me to do. I have testamonials. For rilz.

Before you start bleeding out of your ears, I will be changing my pen name, twain stizz. For the interim, let's stick to The Blogga Formerly Known As The Jagermonster - or just The Blogga Formerly Known As.

So I appologize for the lack of posts on my behalf. I have been in the midst of saving the world from corporate fraud, Enron stizz. "Busy Season" really is 'busy season' - go figs.

So I got my year-end Amex summary today (who am I,
Laird Hamilton?) and I realized that I had a great semester before I graduated. In fact -- I had a great 2004, or at least according to my summary. Upon conferring with CMurph, I was informed that I could have bought a Gatewurst Plasma or even better, a 2000 used Sea-doo. Next time I am enjoying a brew, I will try to think of the good times I could be having, on my 2nd hand jetski. I am up for BLACK this year - bobvs.

Eff'in fired up about this weekend. Lots going on. Shit to do. Places to be seen. Tee's to be Bobvs'd upon. The Blogga Formerly Known and coherts will be throwing it down with Bobby Schneid's on Saturday night. So eff'in best. Haven't seem him since Margarita Cocks, but you can bet your ass I will be putting a napkin, accompained with a 2 dolla bill, up on stage requesting "King of The Wiz" - best song evs.

Speaking of music -- I have been ituning my ass off these days. I got my hands on (thanks to Tommy B) the unreleased Beck cd. I know what you are saying - you are a loser baby - but this cd is so tits. If you get a 'bootleg' copy, jump on it. How can you not like a cd that has sound bytes from old school 8-bit Metroid on it! Beat the mother brain!

Taking a T.O. on TO. Is anyone else tired of Terrell Owens. I am tired of hearing about how he 'might' be ready on Sunday. I guarentee you that acehole will be playing in Da Bowl. If I were a Pat, I would be thinking "grill to motha eff'ing ankle". I would not shed a tear if TO has a career ending injury on Sunday. Dude is a total boner.

Idiot, Gosh. Richard Crotch, how about instead of boning dudes in the corn, you pay your taxes. My thoughts - he probably wants to go to jail, free shower sex on a daily basis, not to mention countless trachea-banging sessions. I don't even want to think about that balloon knot.

Blue Balls - wurst evs. Azure Balls, doesn't sound as bad does it. Well how about Azure Tits. The hottest thing to hit The D since Debbie. Azure!

Friends of mine know I like Hoe's. That's no secret. But -- did you know I have a Hoe Gaarden? LEMONADE, beyotch.

See the vegetable man

In the vegetable van
With a horn that's honking
Like a mariachi band
In the middle of the street
People gather around
Put the dollar-dollar-dollar in the can
Hey wait, que onda?
TJ cowboys hang around
Sleeping in the sidewalk
With a Burger King crown
Never wake 'em up
Mas cerveza
Til the rooster crows
Vatos de gallos

Que' onda guero?

-The Blogga Formerly Known As.....

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

It's all about the "O"

Is it just me, or does that girl on the commercial get your cobblers in a tizz? I mean...the all white tennis outfit with her hair in pig-tails? Or how about when she says, "I promise....99% of the time" with the little toss of the hair and the Iwanttoeffyourbrainsout eyes? Even though the auction site doesn't stand a snowball's chance vs. ebay, aces to the men who hired that marketing team.

And while we're on commercials...I'd rather sit on a porcupine than watch another Jamster Cell Phone Ring-tones commercial. Do they really think people want a ring-tone with a shitty imitation of "I like big butts" on their phone? Much less pay 5 bones for it? And I think instead of "I like big butts" it says "I like ring tones and I cannot lie". And then there's the one with the blue rhino rapping, and some yellow bird singing. If I ever see you answer your phone to one of those shitty ass ring tones on the street, your cell phone is finished.

Campisi's in Dallas has been serving up some of the area's best pizzas for years. But I don't know that I've ever seen a Campisi's pie that looked quite this good. (NSFW) Wow.

Four employees of a Michigan based health care company have been fired for refusing to take a test to determine whether they smoke cigarettes. Apparently you will be made redundant if you are caught blazing some chalkies "even if the smoking happens after business hours or at home." Surely this is illegal. I can understand banning cigarettes in the workplace...but testing for cigarette smoking? Better start letting your roommate wring his sock out in your stadium pal and wear that shit at work. NO BUZZ.

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the man who pissed his way out of an avalanche last week. So tits. Next time I hit the double blacks I'll be sure to carry a pony keg in my pack.

I know you are bored at work, so watch this dude beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in eleven minutes. Un-Fucking-Believable. Brings back memories. *tear*

Top 10 signs you weren't the most popular guy at your high Napoleon Dynamite. So Best. "Everyone's jealous of your teatherball skills"

If you live in Dallas, you might remember Mark Mathis...he was a weatherman for the Fox affiliate here for a short time. Anyway...the dude was fired for being an alkie and always goofing off on camera. And by goofing off I mean rapping. Weather rapping. Painful. Take a look. This is a compilation of his best work from past gigs.

I'm getting my Jeep worked on today. Let's hope the son of a bitch doesn't cost more in repairs than the blue book value. (I'll keep you updated)

I'm out. Don't change.