Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Monday, July 18, 2005

I Am The Wizard of Ohh's and Ahh's and Fa-la-la's (no homo)

I won't make any excuses for my lack of posting. Instead, I will dive right into it. (nhjic)

Two new favorite restaurants in The D. Fireside Pies & Manny's. Delicious food, Delicious drinks.

While at Manny's during a recent "men's dinner" who did we see? That's right, Keyshawn.Was he wearing a real tight suit? No, rather he was wearing a throw-back George Gervin jersey -- sans undershirt. Is there anything less appealing than trying to eat Mexican food and being stunk out by Keyshawn's nasty ass BO? No sir.

Like most summers, I have attempted to get back into golf. I was lucky enough to recently play at the esteemed The Cowboy's Club. Even though it sounds like a stripper joint, I assure you it isn't. Best course in Dallas. Respect.

This is called a segway. Speaking of The Cowboys, does anyone listen to ESPN 103.3 during GAC? For some reason I am totally attracted to the Little Ball Of Hate's voice (Jennifer Floyd Engel). I made the mistake of looking up her picture on the internet. Don't judge a book by it's cover? Try, don't judge hottness by the sound of a voice.

Chicks dig the long ball (no homo). Some might say I am considered a "heavy user" when it comes to watching baseball. Is it just me, or is anyone else ready to give up on the Rangers already? After watching 45+ games this season, I have realized that so long as Hicks is 'the boss' - we are never going to win. I guess I can start looking forward to the NHL season. Wait..

While on the subject of baseball. Has there ever been a more annoying commentator than Chris "the boomer" (homo) Berman. Christ almighty, I was watching the Home-Run Derby last week and I got sick of listening to "back back back back back back back" when any ball was hit. On top of that, how annoying was it that anytime someone went yard he would say "Hello (insert Michigan city here)". Seriously. Worst. Ever.

I have heard enough of Tom Cruise lately to last me a lifetime. Fucking Hell.

New Death Cab For Cutie song (via Stereogum).Tasty.

Why is it that every time I go to the workout facilities at The Villas, the WB is on the TV? Who the hell watches One Tree Hill when they are working out? Seriously, if that is you turning that on, please stop. Really. Please stop.

So I went to the cafeteria of this client that I am working on Today, and I bought a Diet Coke. This chick rotten whore at the cash register gives me a $.50 piece as change. I was so stunned I couldn't even say anything. Hey babe, next time why don't you just fire me a Susan B. Anthony.

Splitting a fifth of crown before going to the bars. Some might say a completely under-rated way to getting completely shitcanned.

Finally saw Kill Bill Vol 2 on Saturday. Quentin Tarantino is amazing. (nhjic)

Have I mentioned how much I love The Grooming Room? If you aren't going there yet, you should reconsider.

I was floored the other day at work when I received an email from a co-worker who seriously wrote me a 10 paragraph (completely unnecessary) email about how the latest Coldplay CD is the greatest CD since August and Everything After. Now, I like Coldplay just as much as the next guy, but can you seriously rank this CD that high this soon? The CD is alright, but lets not get carried away here.

Getting Saturn Rockets shot at you - some might say the worst way to spend the 4th of July. That being said, sometimes you just have to ride it out.

Let me just preface this paragraph with a huge no homo. I must admit, I love the show Laguna Beach. I pine for LO and Kristen. I might even buy the 1st season on DVD. On top of that, I look forward to Season 2. I know everyone who is going to call me a fag-bar has obvs never seen the show. Fuck off.

While Laguna Beach is a quality MTV show, The 70's House is seriously the worst show they have ever come up with.

I must confess. I have reverted back to my childhood and become obsessed with popsicles again. Nothing sobers you up after a long night at the bar faster than an Original Bomb Pop.

While some people get depressed when they do not take broads home from the bar (read: Pricecube), I get depressed when D'wayne from the Whataburger drive-thru does not take my order at 2:15am on Friday's or Saturday's.

Idle Rich Pub - home of the prudest sluts in Dallas.

Pineapple drenched in Tu-Ah-Cah (see: Brunson Pronunciation) - not a delectable dessert.

In hindsight, I probably should have gone to the wedding.

Done and Done.


-JM

Monday, July 11, 2005

Wait...(The Whisper Song)


"You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt
Do it up slappin ass cuz the sex gets rough
"
-Ying Yang Twins

Wow. And I thought "my neck, my back" was filthy. Regardless, there's nothing better than "The Whisper Song" to grind some fat girl late-nite at the Knox Street Pub. For Rilz. Thank you Ying Yang Twins for almost getting me into a situation I would most undoubtedly regret the next morning. Take a look at the rest of these lyrics by the way. No doubt somewhere in heaven Billy Shakespear is shedding a tear.

Speaking of bars, I'm over the Idle Rich Pub for a while. I would be completely done if it weren't for Donna taking care of us. Otherwise we'd be waiting in line for over an hour to get drinks like the rest of them. Last night I must have waited for honestly 20 minutes at the front bar while some frat-tastic choach behind the bar made sure to serve every girl first as if that would help him and his American Eagle hat get laid. Enjoy this quarter tip, fuckrag. You're lucky I don't like to carry change.

The only thing spreading faster across America than Ron Mexico's herpes is The Asshole Dance, a la Jamison Merril. Simply stand as erect as possible, place both hands on hips in a perfect triangle, and sway your hips side to side in as gay of a manner as possible. It's the perfect dance for any song. Hip-hop...go at a medium pace. Techno....speed it up a bit. Country, imagine a willow tree flowing in the breeze. Now you've got it!!! Try it tonight!


Boardshorts are the new boxers. Just ask Scotty Dubs.


I had a Pottery Barn Gay Out last week. Among Items purchased was a Duvet Cover (cringe) for my new down comforter, pillows for my couch, and end table, and a magazine basket. Still trying to bend my wrists upwards...this one might take a while.

So I work for a dentist in downtown Dallas while I'm applying to dental school. Biggest downfall of working in a medical office....soft rock. KVIL is the station of choice in our office. So, in it's honor, I'll keep a running tally of the best and worst songs recently heard on your favorite station for the 70's, 80's and 90's.
Best Song of this Week: London Beat "I've Been Thinkin' About You"
Wurst Song of this Week: Pat Benetar "Harden My Heart".
I'd rather hear someone rubbing the shit out of styrofoam.

Have you ever accidentally wiped your ass with your dress shirt thinking the toilet paper was on top? Oh yeah....me either. But I do know someone who recently managed to diarrhea on his back. The sheer logistics seem mind boggling...but I have been assured its true. "My upper lip was sweating."

I realized it's been ages since I've last posted, but please cut me some slack. It's almost impossible to find time while working full time and taking Human Gross Anatomy and Physiology in summer school. You can bet that when my school ends on August 1st, we'll return to regular postings to keep your palate 0h-so-whet while you slave away at work.


The Rangers were off to a terriffic start this season...and then the inevitable caught up with them. You can't continue to win on a patch-work pitching staff. Hey Tom Hicks, how about investing some money in a set-up man or two. We've got the bats, now get a bullpen. And I don't mean Brian Shouse or John Wasdin. Thank the Lord we ran Ryan Drese and Pedro Astacio out of town. Worst evs.



I love Whataburger, as do the rest of us. But sometimes you have a night when you're too blotto'd to drive, and the only rides available are with girls who are watching their figure (unless you luck out and she's bulemic). Well, my friend, there is now a backup plan available in your grocer's freezer. A sort of "break glass in case of emergency" if you will. The Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuit sandwich. Unbelievably close to the coveted Whataburger equivalent. They come in boxes of 6. I wouldn't recommend eating 3 in one sitting like I did. Throw these bad boys in the oven, not the microwave, for best results.

This dude jumped his skateboard over the Great Wall of China. I used to be able to Ollie like at least 4 inches. On my Variflex. Never bought the Vision Street Wear gear though. Mom wouldn't go for that. Instead I skated tough in my O.p. and Morrey Boogey. Jams.

Lots going on in the world of music these days. In case you had your head up your ass, Pink Floyd reunited with the original band members last weekend at Live 8. It was an unbelievable concert/event/fundraiser....but come on. Pink fucking Floyd with Roger Waters. The dude's voice is still great and solo's haven't skipped a beat. I had goosebumps for the solid 20 minutes or so until MTVurst CUT TO A COMMERCIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF COMFORTABLY NUMB. Seriously...what a crime. You have to show them in their entirety. What a bunch of morons running that station. Anyway....check out this link...this guy has every performance of every city during the whole event. Pretty good resource. Some great performances. How about Richard Ashcroft coming out with Coldplay to sing "Bittersweet Symphony" Pretty tight.

ACL is almost upon us. I just bought my ticket last month for a wallet burning $125. Huge lineup this year though...totally worth it. So many good shows. I can almost smell the weed and hippie B.O.

Catch me Saturday the 16th at the Galactic Concert @ the Gypsy Tea Room. Should be a badass show. Also catch the North Mississippi Allstars at the same place on the 24th. Possibly David Garza on the 28th.






What I've been listening to:
Beck Guero
Ben Folds Songs for Silverman
White Stripes Follow Me Satan Gorillaz Demon Days



Coolest nickname ever: Styles (a la Teen Wolf)
I'll go ahead and put that one out there for adoption.





And with that I'm off to eat a nice meal of food. More to come soon. I promise.

Don't Change.