Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Thursday, November 25, 2004

You're Done, Dude.



I'm am blogging while basking on the balmy beach (alliteration beyyyotch, Hendrick Middle School Stizz) of South Carolina's finest - Kiawah Island. So best.

Plane ride on Tuesday morning? WURST evs. Remind me never to fly Delta again. Small ass plane. Hungover (obvs). Seated next to a 4 year old who insisted on climbing in my lap the entire time. To combat this, I simply blew my stale, alcohol rich breath in his face the entire trip. Don't eff with the Jagermonster.

Shake that thang!
DonkeyBoner Exclusive! Looking for some Dallas Mavericks Skanks? Apparently Primo's on Mckinney is the place to go after a loss. Myself, G.A.B.E., and Ed witness 10-12 Dallas Mavericks dancers (i.e. sluuuts) walk into Primo's on Monday night after the game. We were also surprised when Devin Harris, the Mavericks rookie PG, walked in later. Isn't that guy like 19 years old? Don't worry he was drinking a strawberry 'rita.

'Tis true these things the Charlie "I'm not a weekend Blogger" Murphy has said. I did in fact invest in the Jager Tap - and let me tell you. It's the tits. Feel free to stop by and indulge in the 5 degree Jager. mmmmm.

Late Night Happiness
Speaking of the tits - I have heard the best way to obtain bitch tits is from eating several Hardee's 'Monster Thickburgers'. How is this for a late night after the bar - 1420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 2 1/3 lb patties, all on a BUTTERED BUN. BeeTeeDubs, they do have a Hardee's in South Carolina and you can bet your ass I will be documenting the adventure via the Mavica.

Matty V, so hott
Good News! Matty V has earned the esteemed honor of being this year's sexiest/most bobvs man! Congrats.


Speaking of The Venus, apparently wearing Diesel Jeans, an Express shirt, and a Thomas Pink tie will earn you the title of 'Uptown Jamie' - according to M.V. Dubya - Tee - Eff.

Better late than never. Yes, that's right. My Goddess - Lindsay Lohan has dumped Wildurst's ass. Do you really think it is just a coincidence that both Lohan and myself have become suddenly single in the past 30 days? Destiny I tell you. SupaBobvs.

Michael Cheney - you might be interested in this. Schmears.

I have decided that there is just to much julliard going on in Dallas this past week.

While some of my friends have become obsessed with The Facebook, I am not that impressed. What's all the hype? Am I the only one that thinks it is crap?

MckOlympics is the new Northgate Olympics and coffee cups full of Jager is the new Saki Bomb. Stay tuned - 12/3/2004, natch.

You know how much the Jagermonster likes to pimp products. And contrary to popular folklore, the Jagermonster does not have purrfect skin. I must use facial wash products or else I look like a 14 year old at Sadie Hawkins Dance. Best new facial wash - It's so Icey.

Huge ups to Harshaw & E to tha A for making the trip to The Dallas (I love The Dallas) for a hellava weekend. It was epic friends. Jager Bombs, Mambo Taxis, and of course walking 2 miles home at 2:15 in the am. Classic fools.

Do you want to share an earbud?

"MJ's my boy!!!"

Happy Thanksgiving from The DB - and remember, I get the drumstick. Gobble Gobble.

JM

Monday, November 22, 2004

Put that shit on some waffles!



That's right kids. My partner, the Jagermonster, has wisely invested in a Jagermeister Tap!!! Are you effing kidding me? Ice-Cold labial bliss. So good when it hits your lips...so good! Bottle count (7 days old mind you) = 7. I can smell the black-liquorice vahmit now.

A couple of weeks ago, Dude...I can almost see her panties!I posted a picture of the most rediculous invention evs - The Arm Pillow. Those crazy asians have one-upped themselves by coming up with something a bit more scandalous...the Girlfriend's Lap Pillow. I mean...come on. The thing has a skirt. Don't you think that's just a little creepy? The palms of every petter-ass across the nation are getting sweaty in anticipation. Dude...that's fucking weird.

Children at a Southlake, Texas elementary school received an early lesson in sex ed when an American Government informational video was switched with a porn tape and shown during an assembly. Reminds me of the time in 5th grade after the "Changes" sex ed tape when Shawn Burns asked the school nurse what a blow job was. Classic.
Elementary School Essential
PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) = most worthless organization EVS. Fish don't have feelings. And even if they did, I wouldn't stop eating them because Mrs. Paul is a nice lady and I love her fish sticks. Those fuck-o's need to get a clue and join the rest of us in the real world.

Have your local radio stations started playing Christmas music yet? Dallas already has 2 stations playing all Christmas, all the time. Don't get me wrong...I'm a sucker for "Holly Jolly Christmas" (right Stinie?)...but I can forsee a huge burnout come week 3. Isn't there a strict "No Christmas Until After Thanksgiving" policy?

Speaking of douche-bags, Michael Moore Fat Bastard is planning on making a follow up shockumentary to Farenheight 911. I mean...is there really any new material for you to cover, or are you just going to film like 20 sob stories like that woman from Flint, MI? What's with the personal vendetta against the Bush family? Seriously man...give it a rest. Everyone knows you're a fraud. You are not helping anyone out by exploiting these poor families for the benefit of your pockets. When you join the military, you know what you are getting into. These noble men and women sign an oath to serve and protect our country...knowing death is a risk. Ill defer to my man Vitamin P Didler... "I do have a little military background (west point 1998). When you enter into the military you take an oath. By taking this oath, you know what you are giving up as a civilian to enter a life in the armed forces. These soldiers know that by becoming a soldier, marine, seaman, guard, or pilot that they may one day be required to put their life on the lines, for the liberties we enjoy. To say Bush is sending them to their death is wrong. These men and women know what is expected when they raise their right hand." Well put. Do us a favor, Bitch-Tits, and clean the Big Mac secret sauce out of your moostache.

I'm hoping everyone saw the fight that broke out between the Pacers and the Pistons Friday night. Break yo'self!
So effing best. Ben Wallace...holy shit. I never want to cross paths with that fist. I can't believe how out of control the fans got. Ron Artest's cleft palate getting fucked up by Detroit Fans = Marvelous. Now you can take the rest of the season off to promote your rap album, jackass. Hands down my most hated player in the NBA. Beer flying everywhere...so classic. How embarrassing for the Pacers...Saturday night's match looked like a pick up game at the local YMCA. I must say I watched Sportscenter with a huge grin on my face. Eff the Thuggish Ruggish Bone Pacers. Fobvs.

Northgate Friday night...Greg and I were bovsing all over those Plus-Sized Model Tees!!! NATCH.

Whataburger at 4am...good idea. Eating your taquito in my jeep while wasted...bad idea. Leaf spring suspension + drunk picante sauce pouring = red jeans...leaky tampon stizz.

Arghh!





Are you still hiding under the deck at Darcey's lake house?







30 days till Charlie Murphy relocates to the socialite capital of Texas, Uptown Stizz! Get your umbrellas and Jager bottles ready. Schmears.

Don't Change.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Flaaava Flaaaaaaave!



Big weekend coming up. The Murph has an interview at Baylor College of Dentistry all day Friday. Is it ironic to say I hope to be studying for 4 more years of my life?

Next on the list is finding a place to hang my hat for the next 6 months. Uptown and Knox Henderson area....so best.

Okay...so I have some decent stories to unravel from the past week. Start it off with last Thursday. Greeeeeeeeg calls me early afternoon and demands my presence at his house...huge night lined up. Guest of honor? M.J. from Music Tele-Vurst's The Real World. Apparently the guy is giving a speech on diversity at the university's Diversity Symposium that night. Greg's roommates are both involved in student government, and attend the event, natch. We convince them to invite The Curly out with us for the night. Phone calls are made. 10 minutes later, the dude is chilling with Me, Greg, Jack, and Woei in their living room. We are in the middle of The Big Lebowski...drinking caucasians (obvs). He joins in, we go through a whole bottle of vodkie, fake kalua, and creamer. Proceed to the Keystone. Feeling good...we head to Northgate. Geez. 5 minutes after we get a chugger at New York Subs, people start recognizing him. Mobbing ensues. Schmears...huge crowd follows us around for the rest of the night. Perks of being an overnight celebrity: Free drinks (and by drinks I mean at least 6 shots of Jager), no covers, women using you to get to him. After a while...the crowd gets old. Some people are rude. Some people are annoying as hell. I kind of feel bad for the guy. Huge mob everywhere you go. On the road every week. Living out of a suitcase. But let's be honest...the pros outweight any cons. The guy is basically getting paid to travel around the country and speak at these types of events. All expenses included. He said he has events booked up for a solid two years right now. On top of that he does endorsements. For example...he's getting paid next month to promote the new Sony Walkman. I won't disclose figures...but it's a good 5 figure sum to promote a product for 1 effing month. Note to self: start preparing Real World application video for next year.

Something legendary happened to me later on that night en route to Whataburger. I am driving my Jeep, Greg is shotgun, Woei in back seat. Before we can even make it to the stop sign at the end of Greg's street....Greg farts. Not just a regular fart. I have never smelled something so putrid in my entire life. So enveloping, in fact, I have to open my car door and vomit. 3 times. Have you ever heard of such a thing? You can't make that shit up, folks.

Ring Dunking last Saturday night. The 'Raig Brothers (Craig and Greg) both dunked their rings in 15 seconds. And I feel like a pussy at a good minute and 15 seconds. Seriously...I can't chug for shit.














Some TV stations across the nation are refusing to air "Saving Private Ryan", citing violence and profanity as reasons for the block. Stations are reluctant to show is since the FCC has taken such a strong stance since the Janet Jackson incident. I mean...seriously. This movie is not that bad. I remember watching Platoon air as a kid, which is just as violent. What is this world coming to when you can't watch a television edited version of Saving Private Ryan because stations are fearful of getting fined.

Did anyone see Jennifer Tilly on Leno last night? Geez...effing wasted. Someone needs to moderate the shot bar in the green room. Nice boobs though.

BEST NEWS EVS! Paul Reubens is in the process of making 2 new movies, one of which will be a new Pee-Wee Herman Movie. Speaking of...I never realized until recently that Cowboy Curtis was played by Lawrence Fishburn! Weird.

Can you tell which one is the real Britney? And for an interesting story...read this






Alright bitches. That's enough PHC for one sitting. Wipe your mouth off and chase that shit with some water.

WORD.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Donkeyboner lives

squeeze me!

Back to the ole blogging board. Schmears. It's been a harrowing past few weeks, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Or is that just my glow worm?

Today is election day...and I've decided to keep the tele off all day, and wake up in the morning with a surprise. Honestly...at this point...I'm tired of the bullshit commercials, fake stories, uberliberal media, etc. I need a break. So what did I rent to pass the time tonight? The Passion of Christ. Yep. Haven't seen it. Haven't been to church in a while. Jesus is my homeboy. Seriously.

Today is November 2, which means I have exactly 39 days left in prison College Station. And after losing the Battle of the Brazos this past weekend, I'm not too sure it can come any sooner.

This morning my partner at work couldn't wait to show me her new tattoo of some flowers (looked like hibiscus) on her outer calf. She proceeded to tell me that she won a gift certificate to a tattoo parlor last weekend at the local demolition derby contest. Which only further proves my point that fat, white, female hicks love tattoos. It's her 4th one. The one on her back used to be a lizard...but she grew a bit...and now it looks as if it were done by Picasso. Seriously...tattoo's = worst idea evs.

One of the most uncomfortable moments shared between two men: getting fitted for a suit. Don't they have a machine that can do that shit yet?

Well...apparently ol' Ben Affleck needs someone to pin his recent series of unfortunate events on. Lord knows any man in his right mind would never make such terrible decisions in his own right. I don't even know how Kevin Smith stuck with this guy for so long in the first place. Hey Ben...do us all a favor and take you and your hair plugs out of Hollywood for life.

Supposedly Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrel are in talks with producer Michael Mann to shoot a new Miami Vice movie. Speed boats, pink shirts, white shoes, Flock of Seagulls...so titties.

Jeffery Jones, the actor who played Mr. Rooney on Ferris Bueller's Day Off, will be doing some time for playing too much late-night-sneaky-uncle with a teenage boy. Made the dude dress up as a cowboy, sailor, indian (insert random village people garb here), and took pics of the kid touching himself. What a creep. Lock the dude up in Chino. "8 year olds, dude. 8 year olds."

Lucian Freud, grandson of Sigmund Freud, has painted a nude portrait of a pregnant Kate Moss. The auction is anticipated to bring in over 3 million dollars. See painting below.






And with that I'm off to go pick up my suit from the tailor. No funny business this time, I hope.




Monday, November 01, 2004

Look Sharp - Live Smart

TEES!



Helllllo Loves.

Have you missed us? I have missed you guys - for rilz. But don't you worry - Charlie Murphy and I are back - back again - tell a friend!

Holy Hell - alot has happened since I last posted - it's eff'in embarrasing how much PHC has come across 'my desk' - and yet I was still to busy to post. Fear not - this will be the hour of hate - and by hate, I mean I love. I promise to give up my day job - and blog full time - siiiiike.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better - they released the
Dvd. Obsess Completely over the OC Box set yo's! By far some of the best $44's I have spent in awhile. 27 episodes of hottness.

If you are ever at best buy - do not be tempted to waste a single penny on
this. Wurst evs. Gabe "the artist" and myself tried to watch it, unsuccessfully. I like how the rating includes "not for childern". It should be changed to "not for any human being". This could by far be the worst low budget, soft core, 90's stizz porno ever. While the dvd menu has boobs on it (which is promising) - the plot and movie in general are MISERABLE. For christ sake - the 1st chapter is titled "Stroke Techniques". What the hell was I thinking - $5.09 yo.

While vacationing in California (heeeere we cooommmmeeee) last week, and by vacationing I mean slaving from Eight-to-Ate, I did visit the best burger joint evs.
In-n-Out burger - so best. If you are ever in Cali - this is a must. Some might say that Whataburger just got 'out whataburgered'.

Speaking of lard - have you seen
Super Size Me? The movie is just flat out awesome. Schmears. What an incredible idea - to partake in gluttonous activities for 30 straight days - this reminds me of something - oh yes! my life. Do yourself a favor - rent the movie - you won't be able to order that Double Quarter Pounder meal, super sized, with a diet coke anymore. But seriously it is a great flick with a great message - quit eating shit everyday!

I know that I am totally bricking on this - go buy the October's
GQ. Lohan - so - best - evs - jeez.


Red Sox Nation. and eff you - I am not bandwagon.

I have to admit - I am not very fired up about the
Mavs roster this year. Don't tell this to Cuban or it might ruin my chances of being the next contestant on the benefactor - which turned out to be horrible bee-tee-dubs. Regardless - the season opener is tomorrow night - and I promise to keep an open mind - even though we still employ the 'praying mantis'. But seriously - how can you not like someone named Tariq Abdul-Wahad??

This is the sweetest sin? Horrible move by Dick Legay -
reports have surfaced from two very reliable sources that the newlywed star got horizontal with a porn star. Classic boy band shit - you are married to a hot (yet fuckin dumb) wife and you are out at parties banging washed up skanks. While I like 'lesbian shows' just as much as the next guy - I don't know if I would jeopardize my marriage to Boobs Magee.

It's soothing - Its sensual - and it almost ends with a happy ending. No I am not talking about 24th b-day parties at the
SC restuarant. I am talking about the awesome haircut/wash that I got yesterday. Definately worth my $12.95. I bleed for Tea Tree.

Is there anything wurse than
this? Totally humiliated and embarrased. I have no justification - nor will I try. For once I am totally out of words....

Ipod - just keeps getting
bedda and bedda.

I hope on Wednesday after G-Dubs wins (eff you John Heinz Kerry) he exports this
eff'in idiot. Give me a break - your 48 seconds of fame are over Billy Ripken . (i.e. Michael "fat azz" Moore)


Must have been a slow day for Drudge. This article was seriously posted.

Call me crazy - but I see a
second Rap war (Biggie Biggie Biggie stizz) about to erupt. Watch out Jay - you might get peed on.

Do not delete us from your 'favorites' list (you know who you are....) - we are baaaaaaack!

BLOG THE VOTE IN '04!