Put that shit on some waffles!

That's right kids. My partner, the Jagermonster, has wisely invested in a Jagermeister Tap!!! Are you effing kidding me? Ice-Cold labial bliss. So good when it hits your lips...so good! Bottle count (7 days old mind you) = 7. I can smell the black-liquorice vahmit now.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a picture of the most rediculous invention evs - The Arm Pillow. Those crazy asians have one-upped themselves by coming up with something a bit more scandalous...the Girlfriend's Lap Pillow. I mean...come on. The thing has a skirt. Don't you think that's just a little creepy? The palms of every petter-ass across the nation are getting sweaty in anticipation. Dude...that's fucking weird.

Children at a Southlake, Texas elementary school received an early lesson in sex ed when an American Government informational video was switched with a porn tape and shown during an assembly. Reminds me of the time in 5th grade after the "Changes" sex ed tape when Shawn Burns asked the school nurse what a blow job was. Classic.

PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) = most worthless organization EVS. Fish don't have feelings. And even if they did, I wouldn't stop eating them because Mrs. Paul is a nice lady and I love her fish sticks. Those fuck-o's need to get a clue and join the rest of us in the real world.

Have your local radio stations started playing Christmas music yet? Dallas already has 2 stations playing all Christmas, all the time. Don't get me wrong...I'm a sucker for "Holly Jolly Christmas" (right Stinie?)...but I can forsee a huge burnout come week 3. Isn't there a strict "No Christmas Until After Thanksgiving" policy?

Speaking of douche-bags, Michael Moore Fat Bastard is planning on making a follow up shockumentary to Farenheight 911. I mean...is there really any new material for you to cover, or are you just going to film like 20 sob stories like that woman from Flint, MI? What's with the personal vendetta against the Bush family? Seriously man...give it a rest. Everyone knows you're a fraud. You are not helping anyone out by exploiting these poor families for the benefit of your pockets. When you join the military, you know what you are getting into. These noble men and women sign an oath to serve and protect our country...knowing death is a risk. Ill defer to my man Vitamin P Didler... "I do have a little military background (west point 1998). When you enter into the military you take an oath. By taking this oath, you know what you are giving up as a civilian to enter a life in the armed forces. These soldiers know that by becoming a soldier, marine, seaman, guard, or pilot that they may one day be required to put their life on the lines, for the liberties we enjoy. To say Bush is sending them to their death is wrong. These men and women know what is expected when they raise their right hand." Well put. Do us a favor, Bitch-Tits, and clean the Big Mac secret sauce out of your moostache.

I'm hoping everyone saw the fight that broke out between the Pacers and the Pistons Friday night.
So effing best. Ben Wallace...holy shit. I never want to cross paths with that fist. I can't believe how out of control the fans got. Ron Artest's cleft palate getting fucked up by Detroit Fans = Marvelous. Now you can take the rest of the season off to promote your rap album, jackass. Hands down my most hated player in the NBA. Beer flying everywhere...so classic. How embarrassing for the Pacers...Saturday night's match looked like a pick up game at the local YMCA. I must say I watched Sportscenter with a huge grin on my face. Eff the Thuggish Ruggish Bone Pacers. Fobvs.

Northgate Friday night...Greg and I were bovsing all over those Plus-Sized Model Tees!!! NATCH.

Whataburger at 4am...good idea. Eating your taquito in my jeep while wasted...bad idea. Leaf spring suspension + drunk picante sauce pouring = red jeans...leaky tampon stizz.







Are you still hiding under the deck at Darcey's lake house?







30 days till Charlie Murphy relocates to the socialite capital of Texas, Uptown Stizz! Get your umbrellas and Jager bottles ready. Schmears.

Don't Change.

Flaaava Flaaaaaaave!

Big weekend coming up. The Murph has an interview at Baylor College of Dentistry all day Friday. Is it ironic to say I hope to be studying for 4 more years of my life?

Next on the list is finding a place to hang my hat for the next 6 months. Uptown and Knox Henderson area....so best.

Okay...so I have some decent stories to unravel from the past week. Start it off with last Thursday. Greeeeeeeeg calls me early afternoon and demands my presence at his house...huge night lined up. Guest of honor? M.J. from Music Tele-Vurst's The Real World. Apparently the guy is giving a speech on diversity at the university's Diversity Symposium that night. Greg's roommates are both involved in student government, and attend the event, natch. We convince them to invite The Curly out with us for the night. Phone calls are made. 10 minutes later, the dude is chilling with Me, Greg, Jack, and Woei in their living room. We are in the middle of The Big Lebowski...drinking caucasians (obvs). He joins in, we go through a whole bottle of vodkie, fake kalua, and creamer. Proceed to the Keystone. Feeling good...we head to Northgate. Geez. 5 minutes after we get a chugger at New York Subs, people start recognizing him. Mobbing ensues. Schmears...huge crowd follows us around for the rest of the night. Perks of being an overnight celebrity: Free drinks (and by drinks I mean at least 6 shots of Jager), no covers, women using you to get to him. After a while...the crowd gets old. Some people are rude. Some people are annoying as hell. I kind of feel bad for the guy. Huge mob everywhere you go. On the road every week. Living out of a suitcase. But let's be honest...the pros outweight any cons. The guy is basically getting paid to travel around the country and speak at these types of events. All expenses included. He said he has events booked up for a solid two years right now. On top of that he does endorsements. For example...he's getting paid next month to promote the new Sony Walkman. I won't disclose figures...but it's a good 5 figure sum to promote a product for 1 effing month. Note to self: start preparing Real World application video for next year.

Something legendary happened to me later on that night en route to Whataburger. I am driving my Jeep, Greg is shotgun, Woei in back seat. Before we can even make it to the stop sign at the end of Greg's street....Greg farts. Not just a regular fart. I have never smelled something so putrid in my entire life. So enveloping, in fact, I have to open my car door and vomit. 3 times. Have you ever heard of such a thing? You can't make that shit up, folks.

Ring Dunking last Saturday night. The 'Raig Brothers (Craig and Greg) both dunked their rings in 15 seconds. And I feel like a pussy at a good minute and 15 seconds. Seriously...I can't chug for shit.














Some TV stations across the nation are refusing to air "Saving Private Ryan", citing violence and profanity as reasons for the block. Stations are reluctant to show is since the FCC has taken such a strong stance since the Janet Jackson incident. I mean...seriously. This movie is not that bad. I remember watching Platoon air as a kid, which is just as violent. What is this world coming to when you can't watch a television edited version of Saving Private Ryan because stations are fearful of getting fined.

Did anyone see Jennifer Tilly on Leno last night? Geez...effing wasted. Someone needs to moderate the shot bar in the green room. Nice boobs though.

BEST NEWS EVS! Paul Reubens is in the process of making 2 new movies, one of which will be a new Pee-Wee Herman Movie. Speaking of...I never realized until recently that Cowboy Curtis was played by Lawrence Fishburn! Weird.

Can you tell which one is the real Britney? And for an interesting story...read this






Alright bitches. That's enough PHC for one sitting. Wipe your mouth off and chase that shit with some water.

WORD.

Donkeyboner lives

Back to the ole blogging board. Schmears. It's been a harrowing past few weeks, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Or is that just my glow worm?

Today is election day...and I've decided to keep the tele off all day, and wake up in the morning with a surprise. Honestly...at this point...I'm tired of the bullshit commercials, fake stories, uberliberal media, etc. I need a break. So what did I rent to pass the time tonight? The Passion of Christ. Yep. Haven't seen it. Haven't been to church in a while. Jesus is my homeboy. Seriously.

Today is November 2, which means I have exactly 39 days left in prison College Station. And after losing the Battle of the Brazos this past weekend, I'm not too sure it can come any sooner.

This morning my partner at work couldn't wait to show me her new tattoo of some flowers (looked like hibiscus) on her outer calf. She proceeded to tell me that she won a gift certificate to a tattoo parlor last weekend at the local demolition derby contest. Which only further proves my point that fat, white, female hicks love tattoos. It's her 4th one. The one on her back used to be a lizard...but she grew a bit...and now it looks as if it were done by Picasso. Seriously...tattoo's = worst idea evs.

One of the most uncomfortable moments shared between two men: getting fitted for a suit. Don't they have a machine that can do that shit yet?

Well...apparently ol' Ben Affleck needs someone to pin his recent series of unfortunate events on. Lord knows any man in his right mind would never make such terrible decisions in his own right. I don't even know how Kevin Smith stuck with this guy for so long in the first place. Hey Ben...do us all a favor and take you and your hair plugs out of Hollywood for life.

Supposedly Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrel are in talks with producer Michael Mann to shoot a new Miami Vice movie. Speed boats, pink shirts, white shoes, Flock of Seagulls...so titties.

Jeffery Jones, the actor who played Mr. Rooney on Ferris Bueller's Day Off, will be doing some time for playing too much late-night-sneaky-uncle with a teenage boy. Made the dude dress up as a cowboy, sailor, indian (insert random village people garb here), and took pics of the kid touching himself. What a creep. Lock the dude up in Chino. "8 year olds, dude. 8 year olds."

Lucian Freud, grandson of Sigmund Freud, has painted a nude portrait of a pregnant Kate Moss. The auction is anticipated to bring in over 3 million dollars. See painting below.






And with that I'm off to go pick up my suit from the tailor. No funny business this time, I hope.