Donkey Boners & Other Debauchery

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

We Will Become Silhouettes

Right back at ya kids! Another day of more buzz than your tees can handle. By the end of it all you will be dripping with bobvs, I tell you. We are gonna take over this world - one blog at a time, natch.

Only thing worse than preseason football - the Pro Bowl - schmears. Entertainment value = 0. Who wants to watch 2nd and 3rd stringers for more than like 2 minutes? You won't find that person in this house.

Deion 'Prime-Time' Sanders to play for the Ravens! Give me an eff'ing break. Yet another sad example of when an athlete does not realize that he should stay retired, MJ stizz.

You question our patois? Well it is in the dictionary. Which means it is tigs - obvs.

Let me ask you - how do you feel about Jessica Beal being in Maxim? I am for it. She is my summer caaaaaaatch - bobvs all over them.

If I was a locksmith I'd be pimping that out - I'd be like 'tell you what I'll trade you - a free key duplication.'

Turning your late husband into a diamond is the new - no it's just fuckin sick.

The Passion of The Christ came out on DVD today - Spoiler - Jesus dies.

Getting rid of Gmail invites is harder than expected. I have 2 left - any takers?

Matt Damon's uncle becomes the oldest dude to swim 'The Channel'. How do you like dem apples? (via Thigh Master)

Carly Patterson is the new Amanda Bynes - so much hottness and so much potential.

Time for me to catch some UV's and get some serious PT action.

It hardly seems fair we'd get the universe all to ourselves, but on a personal level I'm highly disturbed by the thought of extraterrestrial life. If there are, in fact, billions of other civilizations, where does that leave our celebrities? If worth is measured on a sliding scale of recognition, what would it mean if we were all suddenly obscure? How would we know our place?

Best of luck to Scottland Dub and The Silent Assassin - bobvs all over that CPA exam.



"So I made her the queen of my double-wide trailer"

Sammy Kershaw said it best...



Britney, honey, you need to wear your shoes in the parking lot. Didn't mom ever tell you not to walk around on the streets bare-footed? I bet your back alley trash, home-made meth lab fiance will lick those dogs tonight regardless (okay...so i would consider it).

Speaking of, if any of you subscribe to GQ magazine (which i highly recommend), flip to the last page. It is an open letter from the magazine to the pop princess. So funny. Direct excerpt: "You know how bad it's gotten, Britney? Here's who's hotter than you: Hoobastank." OUCH! Well...at least you know it's only up from here, because it certainly doesn't get any worse than Hooba-Suck. POSERS.

G-Dub...you've got some unbelievable supporters in the ranks (NSFW-not suitable for work!) Will they be appearing this week at the convention???

Dallas Cowboys...strong showing last night. Despite his age, old man Vinny looked like he was....well...35 at the MOST! Damn fine performance. And how about Keyshawn? I don't care how he runs his mouth. If he continues to play like that, he can talk all he wants to. Unfortunate schedule for Da Boys though. Finished a game last night, and have to turn around and play Thursday night. All the better for me though...Aggies on ESPN (might be scary), and Cowboys on ABC. A sixer of Guinness and some Wings should round off a perfect evening (i would have added the company of a girl...but i said a wanted a perfect night).

Seriously, people, stop picking on Paul Hamm! That guy is going to commit suicide if this shit goes on any longer!

anywiz, gotta get caught up on some reading...possible update to come. NATCH!





Monday, August 30, 2004

"Sounds like someone has a case of the MUNDAYS"

Alright bitches, let’s get dirty.

Get your nasty little cabbage smelling hands back, The Murph has hott o’ plenty to go around.

I have a beef with Mcdonald's (no pun intended). Whatever happened to those badass commercials with Ronald Mcdonald prancing around a frozen lake, or fat-assed Grimace waddling around singing of Big Macs and special sauce? And let’s not forget the eternal Hamburglar (personal fav). I saw perhaps the shittiest Mcdonald's commercial today…some douche-bag office rat (of Rob Schneider Saturday Night Live origin) is talking about his oh-so-tasty new chicken strips, throwing out all sorts of shitty one liners. Or how about the ad with the inner city brothas playing basketball on rollerblades? Are you kidding me? First of all, which African American (inner city no less) do you know who owns a pair of rollerblades? Let alone enough to fill both sides of a basketball court. And please, you can’t freaking dunk with that shit on. What, is the iron only 7 feet tall? I mean...is it me, or is Mcdonald's pretty much done? Due to a worldwide obesity epidemic (which I’ve had the luxury to write several twenty page papers on thanks to my life as a public health grad student), people are starting to eat healthy. In response, Mickey Deez (NUTZ!) decides to offer, get this, healthy happy meals! Contents include salad, bottled water, and a pedometer. “Mommy, can we stop by Mcdonald's so I can get one of those salad happy meals?!” SHYAAH!

Sportscenter…it’s seen better days. I’m talking Kilby, Steiner, Olberman, Mayne. You remember those days. “JUMANJI!” “EN FUEGO!”. Non stop laughs to supplement my daily regimen of sports. Not only is ESPN erroneously trying to make Sportscenter more professional, they are desperately trying to corner a piece of the reality tv market. I’m talking of course about “Dream Job”. I must admit, when I first heard about this concept…I was a bit excited. Zacharias (the badass-guitar playing-long hair wearing-unshaven-funny one line tossing contestant) was the obvious choice for the job. Right? Apparently not, as they selected the pussy ass, borderline homosexual Mike, who makes me want to run into a brick wall every time I see him on screen. Well, get ready, because Dream Job 2 starts in a couple of weeks. I can’t wait to see what lame-o, cookie cutter loser they employ next. Know that I will be pulling for Anish!

Note to self: the next time (or the first time) I decide to get in a fight with some jackass on Northgate (and I don’t mean break-dance fighting, NXNG stizz), I’ll make sure to size up his ears for my sake.

Listen now, hear me later. Quickest way to catch up on the B.A.C. meter when you are way behind in the count…drop a shot of vodkie in your Keystone Light. Seriously…'Stones and Skol…some say quickest route to barftown evs.

I am addicted to coffee. 4 travel mugs/day. Kidneys like the hoover dam.

Republican Convention: huge buzz. Former mayor Ed Koch…who knew the ole democrat was a switch hitter?! Seriously…did he used to play Grandpa on the MUNSTERS? By the way, did you see any of the protesting going on Sunday? What a joke! That wasn’t a protest…it was effing Mardi Gras on NYC. I saw more nasty whores without bras dancing around than I’ve ever witnessed in the Crescent City. Go home you credit card hippies. “THE BUMS LOST, LEBOWSKI!”


Music Tele Vision…lately (and by lately I mean for the past 6 years) I’d rather watch the Lifetime channel for women. Talk about going from cutting edge to corporate sell-out. The music they play on that channel (yeah…all 20 minutes of it) is a culmination of fake-angry, pseudo punk pre-teen kids who sing songs (all of which are pre-written for them) about life events which they've never had, nor ever will experience. Leading the list of losers is Good Charlotte. Hey…let’s get some devil-cult style tattoos, dye our hair, and have crazy piercings, yet we’ll sound like the chipmunks meet pop rock. Seriously…dress how you sound. At first glance, I would imagine some hardcore, Slayer style metal band. The way you sound, I should be digging skirts, training bras, and puma shoes out of your wardrobe closet. Don’t even get me started on Avril, Hillary Duff, New Found Glory, (insert shitty fake punk band here), etc. By the way…VMA’s…no buzz. Schmears.

The hockey world cup just started. Who effing cares. (go Stars!)

Well, apparently Mase is back. Didn’t take him long to realize there is no money in preaching. His rap is now focused and "squeaky clean”. Obviously why he signed with Bad-Boy records. Hmmmm…

Kevin Smith will soon be getting ready to shoot a sequel to Clerks. I couldn’t help but wince when I heard of a sequel to such a good movie. By the way, Kevin, in the future let’s do some work with someone other than Ben Affworst.

Going back to politics…the Dems are definitely winning the War On Music. Have you seen their line-up? Stellar! Pearl Jam (best!), The Boss, REM. G-Dub…seriously…is Brooks & Dunn, Kid Rock, and Michael W. Smith (what the fuck?) all you can muster up??!! Might have to attend the Donkey concert incognito. Oh wait…I am a white, twenty-something male from Texas. It would be dead giveaway. Note to self: start practicing fake yankee accent, wear black dress socks with tennis shoes, and don’t tan for 4 weeks.

Paris Hilton wrote a book. Okay…so she talked into a tape recorder and had a literate person transcribe it for her.

And finally, airlines are making an effort to make airline food more appealing to our palette. What was wrong with one-fourth of a coke and a roast-beast sandwich? (which was served on the last flight I’ve been on where a meal was served, roughly 10 years ago).

Until next time....

“I found a fatal flaw, in the logic of love, and go out of my head. You are the sinking stone, that will never be loved, so get used to the lonesome, you must atone some, don’t leave me no phone number there, la-de-dah.”
-the shins “a call to apathy”


Roofies and Pukies

As usual, this weekend was filled with detrimental times to my body. I went from zero to supa-eff'ed in about 3 minutes. As my good friend Bob Monette(that's ME!) would say "I got TIP SIE ACED". Somehow all the shots,beer,licka,and insane dancing (which included ripping my shirt off) caused me to ralph all over TT's car door. So durst on my parts. Howevs, Saturday night was a hell of a time -- 70's stizz at the Tea Room. Shout out to Kim 'K-bob' Yerby - bobvs all over your birthday tees.

Hey Mom - I won Gold!!! (and didn't even get g-dubs!!!) According to
Esspen, Durex donated 130,000 condoms and 30,000 tubes of 'lubricant'. Congrats to all the athletes who scored both on and off the field. I know if I were there (or b-marsh) I would be knocking on Courtney Kupet's or Carly Patterson's door. schmobvs all over those gymnast tees. It is GOOD to see these games are finally over, 16 days of unproductive behavior needed to cease.

In yet another poor move on his part, The Fez(deutsch bag) gives
Lohan(goddess) a promise ring - Samford stizz. Who seriously does this anymore? no buzz.

VMA's? More like VMGAY's. Scottland and I forced ourselves to watch, but continually found ourselves switching channels begging to find something MORE entertaining than that crap. Once again, another un-delightful MTV production. Are we supposed to get excited about P-diddy and Urrrrsher fighting over who rented the biggest yacht? I will say that I chuckled when I saw the drummer for Jet - so best. Polyphonic spree - so wurst - duhvs.

If I were a betting man - and I am - I would bet that Jay-Z isn't 'retired'. I think he is going to pull an MJ and come back, like 6 times.

Someone seriously wrote a book about metrosexuality? If anyone buys this book you have too much disposable income, and our friendship is terminated - fobvs.

Also - if you waste $59.98 to buy the Apprentice - the complete first season, you are Übergay. The fact that someone rated it 5 stars is totally mind-boggling. These people should be saving their money and spending it on something useful. For rilz.

You guys are the tits and you know it....


Saturday, August 28, 2004

Uh-Oh

that's right...charlie murphy is plugged in, and everyone is invited (not you, skunk stripe!). big boy and i are delivering only the hottest to your pc, dominos stizz. i'll be tossing up input whenever i find the time...which, let's be honest, is almost every day. thanks college station.

my new roommate and i just went to goodwill in the station. i was dressed in polo shorts, a polo shirt, smiths tortoise-shell sunglasses (best), and birkenstocks. i felt real uncomfortable flying through the dress shirts looking for pearl snaps, right next to an older man who was shopping for a business suit. sidenote: i think i am going to purchase a leisure suit to lounge around the house in.

usa basketball...what a rimjob of a series. whoever is in charge of their operations has some serious homework to do. did you see the way argentina destroyed our b and c list players? horrible. hey, douchebags, how about fielding a couple of players who can shoot from the perimeter. for one time in my life i felt bad for allen iverson. and it lasted like 3 seconds. and except for larry brown, did anyone happen to see a white person on our sidelines? probably because every honky in the nba is eurotrash (or a canuck, ehh steve?).

i am a music snob. that said, here is a short list of hott bands i am listening to right now. download at your own risk. to be updated prn (that's medical shorthand for "as needed", biatch).
-The Shins (obvs)
-The Long Winters (so best)
-The Secret Machines (kind of pink floyd-meets-velvet underground)
-Helio Sequence
-Iron & Wine
-Phoenix
-Frou Frou (garden state)

bands to stay away from:
-polyphonic spree...seriously...don't jump on the bandwagon
-franz ferdinand
-creed

i'm sure i can think of many more...but i'm moving on.

i have started to notice that my beer gut is starting to peek over the top of my jeans. consequently, i am headed to beautiful lake bryan today to mountainbike my extra layer of orca fat off. seriously.

after dinner last night i drank a whole bottle of red by myself on our porch. effing relaxing. i rigged up some old shitty car speakers and mounted them on our fence right next to our little patio table. gypsy kings, a bottle of yellowtail shiraz-cabernet (cheap, yes, but good), and a couple of camel lights...best evening in weeks...barring last weekend at paradise.

okay...albeit short...that's all i have for now. saturday posts will be rare...but i had to get this ball rolling. catch me next time, when this crockpot of hottness is bubbling over with goodies. hopefully by then i will have had time to read up on linking and posting pics, because the murph knows you need to feed the monkey.

i leave you with this....

Friday, August 27, 2004

Coffee Cups Full of Jäger

Last night started out as quiet, and by quiet I mean shots. Let me give you some advice - don't let your wasted friends talk you into going to the bar after they have been boozing for hours on end. Next thing you know I got talked into going to the infamous Loon, which apparently only pours triples for shots. Jäger was consumed - debauchery ensued.

We have only had our new apartment for just over a week and we already have 2 noise violations. To help combat this problem we have issued a rule that states you must take a breathalyzer test to enter our apartment after the hours of midnight. That rule was violated last night by Andrew "Paul Hamm" Jamison. Bastid. I don't want to get into finger-pointing, but we expect our 3rd noise violation shortly.

This weekend could be huge - If in Dallas lets make it happen. Keep being beautiful..bobvs.

I leave you with a quote from 'The Venis' - "Bowel movements won't go down." Who says that shit, schmears...

Thursday, August 26, 2004

A new day - A new beginning

Dudes - what is really going on here? That is the question that gets asked alot when I am around. To answer it, finally, I will say this is the craziest/dumbest/most ridiculous thing I could possibly be doing. After talking about blogs with my friends for months, Charlie Murphy and myself have decided that we can bring you some of the best Piping Hot Content (via http://www.whatevs.org) the internet has to offer. We promise to bring you more NSFW posts than any other blog.

Can everyone please pray/cross their fingers for me. If we get lucky (which I am hoping for) -- we might have the hottest, most bestest neighbor evs. MBD kids. If you are thinking Road Rules you are on the right track, if you are thinking The Tap you are on the right track, if you are thinking fake tees you are on the right track. Scottland Dub has promised to 'bobvs all over the plastic' once they get settled.

For now it is time for some PT. The daddies are going to be floating on the rafts, drinks in hands, with good times to be had.

Must have back - fobvs.

I leave you with the bestest sideboobage evs....